hold me again (so i can feel you)
Title: hold me again (so i can feel you)
Pairing: Jimin/Jeongguk
Words: 2235w
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Triggers
Summary: Jimin's tired of needing, tired of wanting things that doesn't exist.
I strongly recommend for you to read with BTS - Hold Me Tight ^^
Snow was falling outside, littering the roads, driveways, and roofs of houses. Laughing children were everywhere, throwing snowballs, making snowmen; happy and innocent, and Jimin envies them. Envies how life hadn’t swooped in and stolen that happiness from them and left them bare, and naked, so, so naked, laid out for the whole world to see how pathetic they’ve become-just like how it did with him.
The television was running in the background, and it seemed
so far away, a white noise. Jimin starts to think that these white noises are the ones that keep him grounded so he keeps it on, even though he doesn’t watch. He doesn’t want to, because he knows that he will be there and that he will be smiling, happy, like the children outside his frosted window.
since my alcohol cup is empty, the loneliness is filling up again
i wish i'd just lost everything
Jimin closed the curtains. It was dark, the television was the only emanating light. He dragged his feet back to his bed. His eyes were heavy. Maybe they were tired of seeing things that weren’t there.
why did i nitpick so much even to the trash bags thrown aside on the road.
Tired of needing. Tired of wanting things that doesn’t exist.
they make a lonely sound in the wind. you just painted over my white paper.
He was staring at his hands when he heard his name. And it was like a beautiful melody in the middle of the noise inside Jimin’s head.
when i try to come to my senses it’s already become a complete painting.
“Hi, I’m Jeon Jeongguk.”
your and my handphones, if they fall, you know too that they’ll be broken.
Even hearing his name hurts. Because he sounded so happy, being in front of those people, being watched by thousands. Singing the music that he made, dancing, he has everything now. Maybe that’s why he left Jimin all those years ago.
only your body makes me able. come here and hold me.
The tears started to prickle at the corner of Jimin’s eyes.
i only see just you, only you
He wants to see him again.
i see nothing other than you
It took all of Jimin’s willpower to finally look at him.
look, it’s fair, it’s equitable. if i take you away, nothing
He was a little bit more tanned now, and he looked older, already past the awkward puberty age, compared to the last time Jimin saw him on the same television months ago.
even just one day without you is, please.
He never looked so beautiful.
hold me tight, hug me
“Kookie,” Jimin whispered in the dark. It was no wonder when Jeonggk didn’t answer, he was snoring his soul out.
For a while, Jimin listened to his snores, finding them peaceful, like waves beating against the shore; it almost lulled Jimin to sleep.
The moon’s light was streaming inside the window, it illuminates the room and Jimin thanks all the gods-he could see Jeongguk’s face, the way his lips are hung open, the way it curves, the slope of his nose, the dustings of his eyelashes on the top of his cheeks.
“Jeongguk-ah.” He whispered his name, and it sounded loud inside the silent, silent room.
“Jeongguk.”
He fell asleep like that, calling Jeongguk’s name their breaths mixing together like a harmony into the night-gone, then back again.
Jimin smiled in his sleep.
can you trust me
Jimin’s mind wandered, who was he?
There were voices that answered. Nobody, freak, reject, disgrace-
You couldn’t even make your own mother proud.
And it was the truth; he could still feel the disappointment his mom looked at him with every day. He could still the hostility in her voice when he asked Jimin who he was every time she was drunk. The hate in her voice when she screamed for him to get out and never come back.
The relief in her sighs when he walked out of the door.
pull me tight, hold me
Jeongguk was there. He was the only one who was there all his life. He was the one Jimin cried on, laughed with, he was even Jimin’s first kiss because Jimin was afraid he’ll mess up the real thing when it happens.
hold me tight, hug me
He just didn’t expect for Jeongguk to leave him too.
can you trust me
“How long did you train before you debuted?” The interviewer asked.
“3 years.” Jeongguk answered with a smile.
please please please pull me tight, hold me
Ah, it had been that long already.
as ever, a light shines from you
Jimin feels nothing.
as ever, you’re like a fragrant flower
And yet, he feels everything.
please believe me now
Jimin feels it prickle at the corner of his eyes.
please hold me again
Please hold me again.
so i can feel you
“Jimin hyung!” Jeongguk called, waving through the throngs of people on the hallways.
Jimin felt embarrassed, looking all around him before smiling back at Jeongguk when he saw that nobody was looking.
“What is it Jeongguk?”
“Look! I perfected my math! Thanks hyung.” Jeongguk said, wrapping his arms around Jimin.
Jimin could hear the snickers on his back. He decided to ignore it for a while.
“That’s good Jeongguk,” He smiled, patting Jeongguk at the head.
“Hyung, I’m already twelve, don’t do that to me anymore.” Jeongguk pouted and then turned to leave.
Jimin turned around. He hopes they won’t target his face today.
please pull me in and hold me tight
“What’s it like in Busan?”
“Well the beaches are nice.” Jeongguk laughs. “And it’s hot during summer.”
“Which is your favorite beach?” The interviewer asks.
“Dadaepo Beach, I’ve spent quite a few summers there!” Jeongguk said, excited.
i can’t breathe without you
Jimin checked the time. 11:12 pm.
“Jeongguk, we should probably go back, it’s cold and we don’t-“
“Ssh, hyung.” Jeongguk said. He cracked an eye open.
i don’t know anything without you
“Don’t stand so awkwardly there! You’re hurting my eyes, seriously.”
Jimin fidgets.
please open your closed heart, dampen my heart
“Lie beside me.”
please pull me in and hold me tight so i can feel you
Jimin did. Jeongguk put his arms around him.
your embrace, your heat, your heart
It was warm.
i pray that i want to see it again
“I was thinking, hyung.” Jeongguk said.
“What?” Jimin asked, voice barely a whisper among the rising tides.
right now at this moment, even the warm wind of flower scent
“I want to be a singer.”
even that sky without even a single dot of cloud
Jimin felt his heart pound.
every single thing is cold
“Me too.” He said. Anywhere, as long as I'm with you.
that bright sky is all darkened
Jeongguk’s head snapped to look at him.
“What? Really?” Jeongguk asked. Jimin didn’t answer.
without you, what breath can this corpse of mine breathe
“Then let’s go together, hyung! We can audition at that show, K-Star? Was that what it’s called? I don’t know. But let’s go, hyung. It’ll be fun.” Jeongguk said. Jimin could faintly feel Jeongguk’s heart beating fast.
i always hurt, i always cry cry cry
Jimin smiled. “Okay.”
On the age of seventeen, Jimin learned how to dream.
i go crazy and without you i get exhausted
Jimin didn’t know when the tears started falling down his face. It has been too long since he cried.
He wasn’t really listening to the show anymore, just staring, looking at the way Jeongguk smiles, the way he fidgets.
from the frequency of my thoughts of you
He wonders if he remembered him at all.
i hate everything, i hate every day
Maybe he got tired, the weird, quiet, nobody was weighing him down.
Or he just didn’t need Jimin anymore.
call me, ring ding dong
Jimin sighs, hands reaching upwards, trying to grasp something; protect a fire that’s in the danger of dying.
if there’s an opportunity, i'll hold you
The host laughs at something, something about Jeongguk’s pictures when he was young.
“Yeah, my fashion was really tragic then.” Jeongguk chuckled, nervous and embarrassed, and Jimin counts how many times he heard that sound.
i’m running, it’s starting, count down
“Jeongguk-ah, when are you going to cut your hair?” Jimin teased, ruffling Jeongguk’s hair.
Jeongguk slapped Jimin's hands off of his head, glaring at him.
“My hair is perfectly fine.” Jeongguk said.
Jimin laughed, and he ignored the shocked face Jeongguk gave him. “It really isn’t.”
“Hyung.” Jeongguk called. Jimin hummed in response.
with determination to be pricked by your rose-like embrace
“You laughed.”
i'll hold you again
“It’s because of that thing you call your hair. Honestly, it looks more like a mop. You look like you’re 10.” Jimin said, opening Jeongguk’s maths book to see what they needed to work on that day.
“I’m 14, how the hell do I look like I’m 10.” Jeongguk said.
Jimin smacked his head. “Your mouth is so dirty for a ten-year old Jeongguk.”
Jeongguk huffed. “Do that again.”
i only see just you, only you
“What? Hit you?” Jimin said, looking at Jeongguk incredulously.
i see nothing other than you
“Laugh. It’s pretty.” Jeongguk said, eyes locking with Jimin’s before he brings his eyes down to his notebook.
look, it’s fair, it’s equitable
After that, Jimin does.
if i take you away, nothing
“What’s your inspiration in being a singer?”
“I don’t know, it just kind of drifted over me.” Jeongguk said, smiling at the interviewer like he’s known her for years. And Jimin was envious. Once upon a time, Jeongguk smiled at him like that.
even just one day without you is please
It hurt. Maybe it was just a simple thing, but it hurt.
hold me tight, hug me
It had been three years since Jimin last heard of Jeongguk. He didn’t know what he did, or what happened, but he left, like a breeze swept him up and took him.
He missed him, badly, but he didn’t ask.
can you trust me
And when Jimin finally saw him, it was at night, when Jimin was eating dinner alone at the living room, and the television was on
like always, the only noise filling the empty house.
pull me tight, hold me
“…Jeon Jeongguk!”
hold me tight, hug me
Jimin looked slowly, jaw tensing. And there, on the television, was Jeongguk, propped on a stool, holding a guitar and a mic in front of him.
can you trust me
He sang, and the word ‘beautiful’ crossed Jimin’s mind.
please please please pull me tight, hold me
Jimin thought that it was a promise, that night under the stars that Jeongguk will always be there.
your expression which became colder
Jimin smiled, and it felt bitter on his mouth.
instead of words, i'll speak everything like this
Of course not.
farewell, like the rising tide
It was quiet, like Jimin expected, when the television screen turned to black. His fingers were still lingering on the button, tempted to open it again. But he didn’t.
speak for it drifting toward me
The silence felt nice on Jimin’s ears.
i know that soon it’ll be over
Jimin stood up, traipsing to the door.
i can’t let you go
The breeze that passed by him when he opened the door was cold, but he didn’t mind.
don’t speak, don’t go
He stepped out, the ground was soft and cold under his feet and the surroundings were as beautiful as he imagined.
just hold me quietly girl
He walked, passing the laughing children, the warm houses.
please hold me, hold me
He had nothing on his mind, except that he’s tired, and the snow feels good beneath his feet.
please hug me, hug me
A single flower, once beautiful, which lost all its petals. Naked.
hold me tight
Jimin thinks he’s that flower, except he’s never been beautiful.
trust me
He stopped, his knees giving way to the ground. It was cold, Jimin’s body is shaking, and he’s sure he’s lips are blue. And yet he hoisted himself up with the railings in front of him.
hold me tight, hold me tight
Below the railings, there was an expanse of ice, maybe it’s a beautiful river during summer, or when the blossoms bloom, but it was cold and empty now.
hold me
And maybe it’s stupid, the idea forming inside Jimin’s head, but Jimin doesn’t care anymore.
can you trust me
There was nothing left for him here.
please please please pull me in and hold me tight
His watch sounds the alarm he had set since he was seventeen, 11:11.
as ever, a light shines from you
Jimin smiles. “Jeon Jeongguk, I wish you’re happy.”
as ever, you’re like a fragrant flower
And. “I love you.”
please believe me now
Jimin felt the rush of wind on his ears.
hold me again
One last thought crossed his mind.
so i can feel you
Jeongguk.
pull me in and hold me tight
And then, nothing.
---
In the midst of peaceful quiet, there was a sound within still warm and slightly crinkled blankets.
And then a light weakly illuminated the room-a message.
11:11 AM
Hyung, it’s me Jeongguk. I missed you! I’m coming to Busan next week. So, wait for me until then?
Pairing: Jimin/Jeongguk
Words: 2235w
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Triggers
Summary: Jimin's tired of needing, tired of wanting things that doesn't exist.
I strongly recommend for you to read with BTS - Hold Me Tight ^^
Snow was falling outside, littering the roads, driveways, and roofs of houses. Laughing children were everywhere, throwing snowballs, making snowmen; happy and innocent, and Jimin envies them. Envies how life hadn’t swooped in and stolen that happiness from them and left them bare, and naked, so, so naked, laid out for the whole world to see how pathetic they’ve become-just like how it did with him.
The television was running in the background, and it seemed
so far away, a white noise. Jimin starts to think that these white noises are the ones that keep him grounded so he keeps it on, even though he doesn’t watch. He doesn’t want to, because he knows that he will be there and that he will be smiling, happy, like the children outside his frosted window.
since my alcohol cup is empty, the loneliness is filling up again
i wish i'd just lost everything
Jimin closed the curtains. It was dark, the television was the only emanating light. He dragged his feet back to his bed. His eyes were heavy. Maybe they were tired of seeing things that weren’t there.
why did i nitpick so much even to the trash bags thrown aside on the road.
Tired of needing. Tired of wanting things that doesn’t exist.
they make a lonely sound in the wind. you just painted over my white paper.
He was staring at his hands when he heard his name. And it was like a beautiful melody in the middle of the noise inside Jimin’s head.
when i try to come to my senses it’s already become a complete painting.
“Hi, I’m Jeon Jeongguk.”
your and my handphones, if they fall, you know too that they’ll be broken.
Even hearing his name hurts. Because he sounded so happy, being in front of those people, being watched by thousands. Singing the music that he made, dancing, he has everything now. Maybe that’s why he left Jimin all those years ago.
only your body makes me able. come here and hold me.
The tears started to prickle at the corner of Jimin’s eyes.
i only see just you, only you
He wants to see him again.
i see nothing other than you
It took all of Jimin’s willpower to finally look at him.
look, it’s fair, it’s equitable. if i take you away, nothing
He was a little bit more tanned now, and he looked older, already past the awkward puberty age, compared to the last time Jimin saw him on the same television months ago.
even just one day without you is, please.
He never looked so beautiful.
hold me tight, hug me
“Kookie,” Jimin whispered in the dark. It was no wonder when Jeonggk didn’t answer, he was snoring his soul out.
For a while, Jimin listened to his snores, finding them peaceful, like waves beating against the shore; it almost lulled Jimin to sleep.
The moon’s light was streaming inside the window, it illuminates the room and Jimin thanks all the gods-he could see Jeongguk’s face, the way his lips are hung open, the way it curves, the slope of his nose, the dustings of his eyelashes on the top of his cheeks.
“Jeongguk-ah.” He whispered his name, and it sounded loud inside the silent, silent room.
“Jeongguk.”
He fell asleep like that, calling Jeongguk’s name their breaths mixing together like a harmony into the night-gone, then back again.
Jimin smiled in his sleep.
can you trust me
Jimin’s mind wandered, who was he?
There were voices that answered. Nobody, freak, reject, disgrace-
You couldn’t even make your own mother proud.
And it was the truth; he could still feel the disappointment his mom looked at him with every day. He could still the hostility in her voice when he asked Jimin who he was every time she was drunk. The hate in her voice when she screamed for him to get out and never come back.
The relief in her sighs when he walked out of the door.
pull me tight, hold me
Jeongguk was there. He was the only one who was there all his life. He was the one Jimin cried on, laughed with, he was even Jimin’s first kiss because Jimin was afraid he’ll mess up the real thing when it happens.
hold me tight, hug me
He just didn’t expect for Jeongguk to leave him too.
can you trust me
“How long did you train before you debuted?” The interviewer asked.
“3 years.” Jeongguk answered with a smile.
please please please pull me tight, hold me
Ah, it had been that long already.
as ever, a light shines from you
Jimin feels nothing.
as ever, you’re like a fragrant flower
And yet, he feels everything.
please believe me now
Jimin feels it prickle at the corner of his eyes.
please hold me again
Please hold me again.
so i can feel you
“Jimin hyung!” Jeongguk called, waving through the throngs of people on the hallways.
Jimin felt embarrassed, looking all around him before smiling back at Jeongguk when he saw that nobody was looking.
“What is it Jeongguk?”
“Look! I perfected my math! Thanks hyung.” Jeongguk said, wrapping his arms around Jimin.
Jimin could hear the snickers on his back. He decided to ignore it for a while.
“That’s good Jeongguk,” He smiled, patting Jeongguk at the head.
“Hyung, I’m already twelve, don’t do that to me anymore.” Jeongguk pouted and then turned to leave.
Jimin turned around. He hopes they won’t target his face today.
please pull me in and hold me tight
“What’s it like in Busan?”
“Well the beaches are nice.” Jeongguk laughs. “And it’s hot during summer.”
“Which is your favorite beach?” The interviewer asks.
“Dadaepo Beach, I’ve spent quite a few summers there!” Jeongguk said, excited.
i can’t breathe without you
Jimin checked the time. 11:12 pm.
“Jeongguk, we should probably go back, it’s cold and we don’t-“
“Ssh, hyung.” Jeongguk said. He cracked an eye open.
i don’t know anything without you
“Don’t stand so awkwardly there! You’re hurting my eyes, seriously.”
Jimin fidgets.
please open your closed heart, dampen my heart
“Lie beside me.”
please pull me in and hold me tight so i can feel you
Jimin did. Jeongguk put his arms around him.
your embrace, your heat, your heart
It was warm.
i pray that i want to see it again
“I was thinking, hyung.” Jeongguk said.
“What?” Jimin asked, voice barely a whisper among the rising tides.
right now at this moment, even the warm wind of flower scent
“I want to be a singer.”
even that sky without even a single dot of cloud
Jimin felt his heart pound.
every single thing is cold
“Me too.” He said. Anywhere, as long as I'm with you.
that bright sky is all darkened
Jeongguk’s head snapped to look at him.
“What? Really?” Jeongguk asked. Jimin didn’t answer.
without you, what breath can this corpse of mine breathe
“Then let’s go together, hyung! We can audition at that show, K-Star? Was that what it’s called? I don’t know. But let’s go, hyung. It’ll be fun.” Jeongguk said. Jimin could faintly feel Jeongguk’s heart beating fast.
i always hurt, i always cry cry cry
Jimin smiled. “Okay.”
On the age of seventeen, Jimin learned how to dream.
i go crazy and without you i get exhausted
Jimin didn’t know when the tears started falling down his face. It has been too long since he cried.
He wasn’t really listening to the show anymore, just staring, looking at the way Jeongguk smiles, the way he fidgets.
from the frequency of my thoughts of you
He wonders if he remembered him at all.
i hate everything, i hate every day
Maybe he got tired, the weird, quiet, nobody was weighing him down.
Or he just didn’t need Jimin anymore.
call me, ring ding dong
Jimin sighs, hands reaching upwards, trying to grasp something; protect a fire that’s in the danger of dying.
if there’s an opportunity, i'll hold you
The host laughs at something, something about Jeongguk’s pictures when he was young.
“Yeah, my fashion was really tragic then.” Jeongguk chuckled, nervous and embarrassed, and Jimin counts how many times he heard that sound.
i’m running, it’s starting, count down
“Jeongguk-ah, when are you going to cut your hair?” Jimin teased, ruffling Jeongguk’s hair.
Jeongguk slapped Jimin's hands off of his head, glaring at him.
“My hair is perfectly fine.” Jeongguk said.
Jimin laughed, and he ignored the shocked face Jeongguk gave him. “It really isn’t.”
“Hyung.” Jeongguk called. Jimin hummed in response.
with determination to be pricked by your rose-like embrace
“You laughed.”
i'll hold you again
“It’s because of that thing you call your hair. Honestly, it looks more like a mop. You look like you’re 10.” Jimin said, opening Jeongguk’s maths book to see what they needed to work on that day.
“I’m 14, how the hell do I look like I’m 10.” Jeongguk said.
Jimin smacked his head. “Your mouth is so dirty for a ten-year old Jeongguk.”
Jeongguk huffed. “Do that again.”
i only see just you, only you
“What? Hit you?” Jimin said, looking at Jeongguk incredulously.
i see nothing other than you
“Laugh. It’s pretty.” Jeongguk said, eyes locking with Jimin’s before he brings his eyes down to his notebook.
look, it’s fair, it’s equitable
After that, Jimin does.
if i take you away, nothing
“What’s your inspiration in being a singer?”
“I don’t know, it just kind of drifted over me.” Jeongguk said, smiling at the interviewer like he’s known her for years. And Jimin was envious. Once upon a time, Jeongguk smiled at him like that.
even just one day without you is please
It hurt. Maybe it was just a simple thing, but it hurt.
hold me tight, hug me
It had been three years since Jimin last heard of Jeongguk. He didn’t know what he did, or what happened, but he left, like a breeze swept him up and took him.
He missed him, badly, but he didn’t ask.
can you trust me
And when Jimin finally saw him, it was at night, when Jimin was eating dinner alone at the living room, and the television was on
like always, the only noise filling the empty house.
pull me tight, hold me
“…Jeon Jeongguk!”
hold me tight, hug me
Jimin looked slowly, jaw tensing. And there, on the television, was Jeongguk, propped on a stool, holding a guitar and a mic in front of him.
can you trust me
He sang, and the word ‘beautiful’ crossed Jimin’s mind.
please please please pull me tight, hold me
Jimin thought that it was a promise, that night under the stars that Jeongguk will always be there.
your expression which became colder
Jimin smiled, and it felt bitter on his mouth.
instead of words, i'll speak everything like this
Of course not.
farewell, like the rising tide
It was quiet, like Jimin expected, when the television screen turned to black. His fingers were still lingering on the button, tempted to open it again. But he didn’t.
speak for it drifting toward me
The silence felt nice on Jimin’s ears.
i know that soon it’ll be over
Jimin stood up, traipsing to the door.
i can’t let you go
The breeze that passed by him when he opened the door was cold, but he didn’t mind.
don’t speak, don’t go
He stepped out, the ground was soft and cold under his feet and the surroundings were as beautiful as he imagined.
just hold me quietly girl
He walked, passing the laughing children, the warm houses.
please hold me, hold me
He had nothing on his mind, except that he’s tired, and the snow feels good beneath his feet.
please hug me, hug me
A single flower, once beautiful, which lost all its petals. Naked.
hold me tight
Jimin thinks he’s that flower, except he’s never been beautiful.
trust me
He stopped, his knees giving way to the ground. It was cold, Jimin’s body is shaking, and he’s sure he’s lips are blue. And yet he hoisted himself up with the railings in front of him.
hold me tight, hold me tight
Below the railings, there was an expanse of ice, maybe it’s a beautiful river during summer, or when the blossoms bloom, but it was cold and empty now.
hold me
And maybe it’s stupid, the idea forming inside Jimin’s head, but Jimin doesn’t care anymore.
can you trust me
There was nothing left for him here.
please please please pull me in and hold me tight
His watch sounds the alarm he had set since he was seventeen, 11:11.
as ever, a light shines from you
Jimin smiles. “Jeon Jeongguk, I wish you’re happy.”
as ever, you’re like a fragrant flower
And. “I love you.”
please believe me now
Jimin felt the rush of wind on his ears.
hold me again
One last thought crossed his mind.
so i can feel you
Jeongguk.
pull me in and hold me tight
And then, nothing.
---
In the midst of peaceful quiet, there was a sound within still warm and slightly crinkled blankets.
And then a light weakly illuminated the room-a message.
11:11 AM
Hyung, it’s me Jeongguk. I missed you! I’m coming to Busan next week. So, wait for me until then?