Weeks of anxiety
I haven't been updating because for some reason my anxiety has been pretty out of control as of late. There's no reason for it to be this bad, none that I can tell at least. Other than the usual family drama or my itching to be out of this stupid place. Last week, on Wednesday, I had a literal nervous breakdown at work while I was talking to a manager and I had to apologize because I started tearing up and getting all weepy. I don't even know why. It's not like I did anything wrong, and I was just talking to him about an issue I had with a customer earlier in the day that was no major problem. He even asked me if the incident was the reason I was anxious and upset about, and I said no. Fortunately, I have awesome leadership and he was really concerned about me. Then again, I'm probably the last person he expected to have a nervous breakdown.
Since then, I've been better, but it still lingers. It's making me apathetic and distant, and making me feel very uncomfortable with myself. I wish I knew what was causing it, and I wish I knew how to fix it. And I wish I had insurance because I probably could benefit from going to therapy again. If only to just have a controlled atmosphere of questions and letting me answer freely. There's a good feeling about being able to talk to someone you know, but it's even better talking to someone who understands psychology in more detail. I miss my therapist in Minnesota. She was the first one I had ever gone to, and she was very open and interested in my therianthropy. She made me feel... almost normal. And she made me feel less ashamed of myself.
I need a change, I need... to get out of this house. I love my family and all.. And I adore my mother. But after sharing a bed with her for months... I'm starting to feel that all familiar skin-crawling feeling. Where even little things start to claw at my flesh and bone and I'm over here just gritting my teeth just to keep myself from doing something bad. I have no privacy, no personal retreat where I can just go and be alone. I'm tired of breaking out my tablet and trying to draw, only to have my mom get up 7 thousand times. I'm tired of being cornered by her and my sister with their nagging complaints or desires to talk. I. Don't. Care. Leave. Me. ALONE! I'm tired of hearing my mother snore in my ear and face. I'm tired of her hogging the covers and bed alike. I'm tired of her listening to her computer much higher than necessary [seriously, I have my headphones on and listening to music, and I can STILL hear every word of the news she's playing]. I'm tired of my niece sucking her thumb and getting everyone fucking sick all the time. I'm tired of the 30-mile one-way commute, and I'm tired of putting $110 or more into my gas tank A WEEK. That alone is over a third of my weekly paycheck [provided I get at least 33 hrs]. That's $440 a month in gas alone... ugh... I'm tired of not being able to come home and take a nice, hot bath. I'm tired of having to figure out when I'd be able to shave/bathe once a week [assuming that I'd be able to that week]. Wolf/coons were not meant for such cramped and fucking ridiculous living conditions.
I'm done... I kinda just pissed myself off even more... oh well.
Since then, I've been better, but it still lingers. It's making me apathetic and distant, and making me feel very uncomfortable with myself. I wish I knew what was causing it, and I wish I knew how to fix it. And I wish I had insurance because I probably could benefit from going to therapy again. If only to just have a controlled atmosphere of questions and letting me answer freely. There's a good feeling about being able to talk to someone you know, but it's even better talking to someone who understands psychology in more detail. I miss my therapist in Minnesota. She was the first one I had ever gone to, and she was very open and interested in my therianthropy. She made me feel... almost normal. And she made me feel less ashamed of myself.
I need a change, I need... to get out of this house. I love my family and all.. And I adore my mother. But after sharing a bed with her for months... I'm starting to feel that all familiar skin-crawling feeling. Where even little things start to claw at my flesh and bone and I'm over here just gritting my teeth just to keep myself from doing something bad. I have no privacy, no personal retreat where I can just go and be alone. I'm tired of breaking out my tablet and trying to draw, only to have my mom get up 7 thousand times. I'm tired of being cornered by her and my sister with their nagging complaints or desires to talk. I. Don't. Care. Leave. Me. ALONE! I'm tired of hearing my mother snore in my ear and face. I'm tired of her hogging the covers and bed alike. I'm tired of her listening to her computer much higher than necessary [seriously, I have my headphones on and listening to music, and I can STILL hear every word of the news she's playing]. I'm tired of my niece sucking her thumb and getting everyone fucking sick all the time. I'm tired of the 30-mile one-way commute, and I'm tired of putting $110 or more into my gas tank A WEEK. That alone is over a third of my weekly paycheck [provided I get at least 33 hrs]. That's $440 a month in gas alone... ugh... I'm tired of not being able to come home and take a nice, hot bath. I'm tired of having to figure out when I'd be able to shave/bathe once a week [assuming that I'd be able to that week]. Wolf/coons were not meant for such cramped and fucking ridiculous living conditions.
I'm done... I kinda just pissed myself off even more... oh well.