The ropes have been unbound!
Here I am, another post being made at 3 AM. There's just a lot on my mind. Not all bad, but some of it's a bit concerning and worrisome. Like hopefully being able to afford my car payment this month, but I always slip by somehow and all this worry is over a lot of nothing. At least I have this paycheck and next week's before it's due, and I already paid my car insurance early. So that should help a bit.
But the other stuff is the typical bullshit I tend to spew. Money and species dysphoria. As much as those two things tend to bring me down, it's "nice" having just those things to really worry me rather than feeling like the entire world is trying to crush me. It still amazes me just how different my life is. Even though I have my bad days where I don't want to get out from under the covers, it's not even close to what I was dealing with. In a way, it actually scares me... I was dealing with so much, all at once, and it took me so long to finally break and say, "Enough. I can't do this anymore." I've become a different person in more ways than one. And it feels good, but still freaks me out. I have moments where I will compare my life, a then and now comparison. I think back to then and measure just how different things are. Ranging from what I do, my reactions, level of sociability, etc. I'm more social than I have ever been. But I still seek out the comfort of home or being alone with my mate to recharge. I'm still an introvert at heart, just a bit more social now.
Overall, I'm very happy even with a few issues still nagging at me. It's unfortunate that it took me so long to realize my situation with Andrea, but at least it happened now rather than several more years down the line. Now that I think back on it all, I realize just how much I was in denial. Often telling myself that I was happy, that she made me happy. I was lying to her and myself on a daily basis. I lied so much that I began to believe it... Even if I was actually quite miserable. But even so, I think we both learned valuable life lessons from each other, I just took more away from the experience than she did... I learned how to be happy, I also learned a lot about psychology, and I learned how to finally stand up for myself.
But I've ranted enough for tonight, I think I'm going to try and sleep seeing as I need to be up in 4 hours. At least I have tomorrow off!
But the other stuff is the typical bullshit I tend to spew. Money and species dysphoria. As much as those two things tend to bring me down, it's "nice" having just those things to really worry me rather than feeling like the entire world is trying to crush me. It still amazes me just how different my life is. Even though I have my bad days where I don't want to get out from under the covers, it's not even close to what I was dealing with. In a way, it actually scares me... I was dealing with so much, all at once, and it took me so long to finally break and say, "Enough. I can't do this anymore." I've become a different person in more ways than one. And it feels good, but still freaks me out. I have moments where I will compare my life, a then and now comparison. I think back to then and measure just how different things are. Ranging from what I do, my reactions, level of sociability, etc. I'm more social than I have ever been. But I still seek out the comfort of home or being alone with my mate to recharge. I'm still an introvert at heart, just a bit more social now.
Overall, I'm very happy even with a few issues still nagging at me. It's unfortunate that it took me so long to realize my situation with Andrea, but at least it happened now rather than several more years down the line. Now that I think back on it all, I realize just how much I was in denial. Often telling myself that I was happy, that she made me happy. I was lying to her and myself on a daily basis. I lied so much that I began to believe it... Even if I was actually quite miserable. But even so, I think we both learned valuable life lessons from each other, I just took more away from the experience than she did... I learned how to be happy, I also learned a lot about psychology, and I learned how to finally stand up for myself.
But I've ranted enough for tonight, I think I'm going to try and sleep seeing as I need to be up in 4 hours. At least I have tomorrow off!