The Tiger at the Well
So the first fragment of a week in this new year has just about come to its end and it would seem that I yet live. Quite whether it will yet prove to have been the wisest move to schedule the most terrifying and daunting of starts to the year as I did yet remains to be seen but, if nothing else comes of excessive trauma of job assessment stuffs, mayhap my brain will yet manage to learn something from the business. Given how remarkably stubborn its resistance to rationality and experience proved last year though I'm not altogether convinced, but mayhap that attitude of doubt is self-defeating in itself? Recalling such old wisdom as a man is generally as happy as he chooses to be, and the program I saw with Derren Brown sometime ago demonstrating the power of placebo to allow people to overcome their own fears mayhap I found myself to be so mortally afeared of what lay ahead as the midnight chimes sounded and fireworks made explosive noises largely because I believed I would be. It was though really the furstration of it that brought me tears on New Year's Day however, knowing what I was feeling was far beyond any nerves warranted by a job interview, and yet not able to stop these tidal waves crashing over me. According to Mr. Brown, overcoming these things is in large part a simple case of giving yourself permission to do them. Heh, well I be certainly more than happy to give myself permission to go out and have a go at actually living lifes but on some mental level I yet seems unable. Though I make way towards the well when I emerge into the village square I finds a large and monstrous tiger sat in the way and however desperate my thirst all my instincts still scream at me to flee. Hm, it's a bit like Life of Pi maybe, except without the rafts. Well, perhaps I have to work on that analogy a bit but one way or another, I can't go on living life this way so hopefully yet whatever else may lie in this year ahead I may yet be able to make some progress in changing things. I suppose we'll find out won't we?
Anywho, in the meanwhile I barely really noticed the new year passing with my mind bubbling with other concerns. Indeed, all of these past few days seem to have held a kind of distracted dreamlike quality which I suspect is the efforts of my brain to escape some degree of the unpleasantness. As such I now also seem to struggle picking out details to writes on or particularly judge whether any positive result may come of it. I suspect there may be better qualified folk than me there and I really don't know how impressive the stories of my experience may sound, but I suppose I can now but see what comes of it and hopefully I may just have learned something from the affair if nothing else. Having said that, my visit to the fairy job folk the day after my scheduled appointment with scariness still evoked a fair degree of discomfort even despite the much bigger scary my brains had just been through but these fears never seem to have had a particular sense of scale. I was also quite a wearied and tired feeling wolf come that second day as well, and this journey wasn't helped by the bus breaking down when it got to Whitby leaving me rather late but I suppose of all the travels I've been on lately that was probably the least worst one to prove problematic. Even so, after an hour of jobsearchings at the offices of the fairy job folk I was feeling distinctly claustrophobic and jumping to get out of there again in a way that I hadn't quite on the previous occasion which may be a strange thing, but then my brains have long moved in mysterious ways. Hopefully though it may yet still be possible to get the hang of them. Every so often I do come close to the sense that I may actually be able to do things and be a reasonable and sensibly behaved creature so I knows it must be possible. I suppose we shall see, as this year rolls on, how much of the time I find myself able to cling on to that sensation.
Still, as if the universe itself were seeking to impress on my egocentric mind that mine was not the only world to feature trials and drama, on returning to the shop yesterday I was greeted with the new that whilst I had been away there had been a customer collapse and apparently sadly die in the shop! A heart attack in the Heart Foundation seems a most sadly ironic way to go. Hm, though I don't really need too much reminding that there are bigger things in the world than my own foolishness though that doesn't yet seem to stop that being the only thing I can sometimes see. My day at the shop itself though proved relatively straightforward despite the gravity of the drama that has apparently taken place in the days before. I was though feeling an enormously worn and wearied creature however, the lingering effects of my anxiety were still rippling through my body with the entertainments of a little dizziness, achings and Raynaud's syndrome. I could barely pay proper attention to manager's grumpy complaints on the performance of assistant manager whilst she had been away but it may well be we has a few more less than happy humans to come in the near future. Apparently though, volunteers are to be rearranged so as to allow me more time bookherding and a little less poking at the till in future which should hopefully be a goodly thing. Still, despite the troublesome tales, my time on the till was relatively tranquil and straightforward which was a good thing being as I was in somewhat less than energetic condition. Charity shop stuffs is something I can largely do on autopilot if needs be though, and indeed that environment itself seems to have a stimulating efffect on my brains. As ever I find myself pondering the curiosity of the kind of stuffs I can manage to do in that context compared to my relative weakness in others, and not just the big scary events, but motivations for action in my little ruin of a flat and elsewhere too. Still, that's all to be worked upon I suppose.
In the meantime though I am now rather glad of my little day off and the arrival of the weekend which I hope may allow my brains a little space in which to settle, gather strengths and ready itself for a more sensible routine as it sets out into the first full week of this new year. I find myself with little will to ponder what may lie ahead as yet, I'm sure I'll be finding out one way or another soon enough. Still, I thinks I'll be somewhat glad to be getting back into the swing of shop stuffs and Coliseum and whatnot, which may hopefully allow me to feel a bit more comfortable with the less pleasant stuffs. Of course though, it is a routine that must yet be changed at some point though so as much as my brains may feels more comfortable and natural getting back into the rhythm of life, it's not actually a rhythm I really wants to keep going for much longer. Hm, such is ever the trouble though with this big stripy predator continuing to patrol around the village square, that much of the sort of things I know I need and want to do actually feels like they are going against sense and nature. Ah, it is indeed a troublesome paradox but I shall just have to keep trying to do what I can to get to grips with it. Hm, maybe not right now though, is a tired beast. Lately instead of doing anything worthwhile in my spare time I've been playing with my Christmas presents with a couple more nightmarish ornaments shared on Facebook and my time with Guild Wars 2 has lately given ways a little bit to seeing what Diablo III turned out to be like. Heh, Diablo and Diablo II were such great and important games, and Diablo III, well, it's a bit like the big dumb Hollywood remake of that exquisitely crafted independent classic film from years ago. I ponder there might be some broad analogy on life to be wrung from the way it takes all the classic elements and then carefully extracts all the intelligence to be replaced by more blood and slaughter and sexy cut scenes! Hm, puppy brains are too wearied to craft that connection right now though, so whilst you should hopefully expect to enjoy more pretty pictures and tales of adventure from Guild Wars 2 soon enough, here's a picture from Diablo III that may do something to express the stupidness and who knows, maybe it says something the flawed manner my brains perceive the world too.
At any rate there's a suitably silly Christmas pantomime theme involved. Look out, he's behind you!
Anywho, in the meanwhile I barely really noticed the new year passing with my mind bubbling with other concerns. Indeed, all of these past few days seem to have held a kind of distracted dreamlike quality which I suspect is the efforts of my brain to escape some degree of the unpleasantness. As such I now also seem to struggle picking out details to writes on or particularly judge whether any positive result may come of it. I suspect there may be better qualified folk than me there and I really don't know how impressive the stories of my experience may sound, but I suppose I can now but see what comes of it and hopefully I may just have learned something from the affair if nothing else. Having said that, my visit to the fairy job folk the day after my scheduled appointment with scariness still evoked a fair degree of discomfort even despite the much bigger scary my brains had just been through but these fears never seem to have had a particular sense of scale. I was also quite a wearied and tired feeling wolf come that second day as well, and this journey wasn't helped by the bus breaking down when it got to Whitby leaving me rather late but I suppose of all the travels I've been on lately that was probably the least worst one to prove problematic. Even so, after an hour of jobsearchings at the offices of the fairy job folk I was feeling distinctly claustrophobic and jumping to get out of there again in a way that I hadn't quite on the previous occasion which may be a strange thing, but then my brains have long moved in mysterious ways. Hopefully though it may yet still be possible to get the hang of them. Every so often I do come close to the sense that I may actually be able to do things and be a reasonable and sensibly behaved creature so I knows it must be possible. I suppose we shall see, as this year rolls on, how much of the time I find myself able to cling on to that sensation.
Still, as if the universe itself were seeking to impress on my egocentric mind that mine was not the only world to feature trials and drama, on returning to the shop yesterday I was greeted with the new that whilst I had been away there had been a customer collapse and apparently sadly die in the shop! A heart attack in the Heart Foundation seems a most sadly ironic way to go. Hm, though I don't really need too much reminding that there are bigger things in the world than my own foolishness though that doesn't yet seem to stop that being the only thing I can sometimes see. My day at the shop itself though proved relatively straightforward despite the gravity of the drama that has apparently taken place in the days before. I was though feeling an enormously worn and wearied creature however, the lingering effects of my anxiety were still rippling through my body with the entertainments of a little dizziness, achings and Raynaud's syndrome. I could barely pay proper attention to manager's grumpy complaints on the performance of assistant manager whilst she had been away but it may well be we has a few more less than happy humans to come in the near future. Apparently though, volunteers are to be rearranged so as to allow me more time bookherding and a little less poking at the till in future which should hopefully be a goodly thing. Still, despite the troublesome tales, my time on the till was relatively tranquil and straightforward which was a good thing being as I was in somewhat less than energetic condition. Charity shop stuffs is something I can largely do on autopilot if needs be though, and indeed that environment itself seems to have a stimulating efffect on my brains. As ever I find myself pondering the curiosity of the kind of stuffs I can manage to do in that context compared to my relative weakness in others, and not just the big scary events, but motivations for action in my little ruin of a flat and elsewhere too. Still, that's all to be worked upon I suppose.
In the meantime though I am now rather glad of my little day off and the arrival of the weekend which I hope may allow my brains a little space in which to settle, gather strengths and ready itself for a more sensible routine as it sets out into the first full week of this new year. I find myself with little will to ponder what may lie ahead as yet, I'm sure I'll be finding out one way or another soon enough. Still, I thinks I'll be somewhat glad to be getting back into the swing of shop stuffs and Coliseum and whatnot, which may hopefully allow me to feel a bit more comfortable with the less pleasant stuffs. Of course though, it is a routine that must yet be changed at some point though so as much as my brains may feels more comfortable and natural getting back into the rhythm of life, it's not actually a rhythm I really wants to keep going for much longer. Hm, such is ever the trouble though with this big stripy predator continuing to patrol around the village square, that much of the sort of things I know I need and want to do actually feels like they are going against sense and nature. Ah, it is indeed a troublesome paradox but I shall just have to keep trying to do what I can to get to grips with it. Hm, maybe not right now though, is a tired beast. Lately instead of doing anything worthwhile in my spare time I've been playing with my Christmas presents with a couple more nightmarish ornaments shared on Facebook and my time with Guild Wars 2 has lately given ways a little bit to seeing what Diablo III turned out to be like. Heh, Diablo and Diablo II were such great and important games, and Diablo III, well, it's a bit like the big dumb Hollywood remake of that exquisitely crafted independent classic film from years ago. I ponder there might be some broad analogy on life to be wrung from the way it takes all the classic elements and then carefully extracts all the intelligence to be replaced by more blood and slaughter and sexy cut scenes! Hm, puppy brains are too wearied to craft that connection right now though, so whilst you should hopefully expect to enjoy more pretty pictures and tales of adventure from Guild Wars 2 soon enough, here's a picture from Diablo III that may do something to express the stupidness and who knows, maybe it says something the flawed manner my brains perceive the world too.
At any rate there's a suitably silly Christmas pantomime theme involved. Look out, he's behind you!