Ahh Saturday
I didn't sleep very well last night. Jack was climbing all over me, leaping onto my back and jumping off like a gymnast on one of those vault things...And so I kept waking up, of course.
I had a really painful massage today. He's basically tweaking my back so that the upper part of my spine (which got compressed in the accident) will like...stretch out again, and open up the muscles in my chest and...Damn. It's intense. But I think it's helping. But it huuuuuuuurts.
I'm watching "Saved!" I think it's a hilarious movie. It reminds me so much of Boulder Junior Academy...It's really scary. I really like it, though...
I've been thinking about going back to the Unity Church. Maybe not regularly at first, but just to see if I still like it. I used to feel such a connection to a higher power there. When I went there, I knew that there was some higher power. I didn't know exactly what it was, but I knew it was there. And it was a really amazing feeling. At the College, I don't feel anything. Maybe it's because we're all so wrapped up in doing homework and pleasing Paula, but I'm really getting tired of it. I don't have the time for it, and what's sad is that I don't want to make the time for it. Maybe that means I shouldn't be there.
I feel something at Stella's. I feel something when I do it on my own. I don't feel *anything* at the College, even at the rituals. It's so frustrating. And I disagree with so much Paula says and does. I don't mind the High Priestess stuff, but she always says things like, "Blah dee blah, and that's the way it is, don't argue with me on that." There's no room for me to speak up and give her my opinion. It wouldn't make an ounce of difference (not that it would in any other sort of religious group that has a leader either), and the feeling that I can't even approach her and tell her I think differently and why is really bothering me. Like, with Stella, I could go to her and maybe tell her a different viewpoint and she might be like, "yeah, what you're saying makes sense." Not with Paula.
It really bothers me...
I don't want anyone who's in the College right now who may be reading this to think that I'm *against* Paula or anything. I just don't know if it's the right fit for me anymore. I feel like I learned a lot already about researching herbs and stones and putting together rituals, and that has been very valuable to me. But I don't know if the community fits me anymore.
I don't know. I just don't want anyone to think that I am against the College, or that I'm badmouthing Paula...I really do like her and respect her. I just don't always agree with her and the fact that I can't verbalize that makes me feel like I'm in public school again.
And in terms of the Unity church...I know that I'm pagan. But I know that Unity was a really special place to me. Maybe I'm both. I don't know...
I feel like I need someone who has had a lot of experience researching and jumping from religion to religion to talk to because I can't figure it out anymore.
OK I'm going to stop blabbering now.
I had a really painful massage today. He's basically tweaking my back so that the upper part of my spine (which got compressed in the accident) will like...stretch out again, and open up the muscles in my chest and...Damn. It's intense. But I think it's helping. But it huuuuuuuurts.
I'm watching "Saved!" I think it's a hilarious movie. It reminds me so much of Boulder Junior Academy...It's really scary. I really like it, though...
I've been thinking about going back to the Unity Church. Maybe not regularly at first, but just to see if I still like it. I used to feel such a connection to a higher power there. When I went there, I knew that there was some higher power. I didn't know exactly what it was, but I knew it was there. And it was a really amazing feeling. At the College, I don't feel anything. Maybe it's because we're all so wrapped up in doing homework and pleasing Paula, but I'm really getting tired of it. I don't have the time for it, and what's sad is that I don't want to make the time for it. Maybe that means I shouldn't be there.
I feel something at Stella's. I feel something when I do it on my own. I don't feel *anything* at the College, even at the rituals. It's so frustrating. And I disagree with so much Paula says and does. I don't mind the High Priestess stuff, but she always says things like, "Blah dee blah, and that's the way it is, don't argue with me on that." There's no room for me to speak up and give her my opinion. It wouldn't make an ounce of difference (not that it would in any other sort of religious group that has a leader either), and the feeling that I can't even approach her and tell her I think differently and why is really bothering me. Like, with Stella, I could go to her and maybe tell her a different viewpoint and she might be like, "yeah, what you're saying makes sense." Not with Paula.
It really bothers me...
I don't want anyone who's in the College right now who may be reading this to think that I'm *against* Paula or anything. I just don't know if it's the right fit for me anymore. I feel like I learned a lot already about researching herbs and stones and putting together rituals, and that has been very valuable to me. But I don't know if the community fits me anymore.
I don't know. I just don't want anyone to think that I am against the College, or that I'm badmouthing Paula...I really do like her and respect her. I just don't always agree with her and the fact that I can't verbalize that makes me feel like I'm in public school again.
And in terms of the Unity church...I know that I'm pagan. But I know that Unity was a really special place to me. Maybe I'm both. I don't know...
I feel like I need someone who has had a lot of experience researching and jumping from religion to religion to talk to because I can't figure it out anymore.
OK I'm going to stop blabbering now.