PHEW
I feel a bit ...far away..from some things. I feel distant from myself. The WORK has taken over really. I complain a lot feel so tired and hurting. I don't know what to do. I wonder why I'm here sometimes you know. Is this what I really want? I know many would pee their pants for this opportunity...but at the cost of your will? My life is ran by flowers and fleece. I can assert my will all I like but the inevitable outcome is determined by those two things. I don't know what to say about this. I feel...less...all the time. It is funny..I know what I've accomplished here is awesome. But I'm dictated to on a daily basis by an angry old man. I have to stand with a fist constantly in order to have a say. I hide my plans and agendas in order to do them without oppositon or information I don't require. I am tired. I'm glad I'm alone here for the next two days. I don't want anyone around me. I feel suffocated when he's here. He steps on me all the time and I have such a hard time not letting him just so my life is easier. He was my friend once...I don't know what has happened. I challenged him..told him I think he's hard on me..he agreed...I said "Well I'm tired of it..go be tough on someone who hasn't already had it tough..they need it...I don't". I feel stupid right now friends..like I have nothign interesting to say..like my intelligence isn't valuable...or used...all that's required of me is my large energy supply and my strong body..WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK...what else am I? A donkey in the duck mountains? Jesus! I'm tired of this ...I need something more ...I wonder if I can have it here. We'll see. I have talked with my love about it...that maybe I should reexamine my decision...with the reality of this...all of this...the flowers...the fleece. I want to be somewhere where my intelligence is appreciated and has an opportunity to grow and express itself not a place where I'm just used for how hard I work. YUCKY
I want to run away from these two men all the time. I don't like how they treat me..is it THEY or is it the old one only? I don't know. I'm afraid that the young one will turn into the old one I think. How do you go? Slowly my friends...wondering all the way.
where would I rather be? Would I regret leaving here..maybe ..maybe not. I'm sick of the guilt associated with being who I am and not getting my needs met...it's ..frustrating. I'm sick of NOT APPRECIATING what I do have. Including me....I'm going to make a gratitude list. I"m going to demand what I need..from who? ME? Is this me? Lazy..in the mind.....maybe. I"m trying to read a book right now..and feel the pressure of boxes unpacked, a floor uncleaned and weeds growing rapidly. It's hard you see for me to find time to think..the reason most Manitoban farmers vote conservative...I want some time...I want to feel settled in a moment with my friends able to relax and not have my mind flying to the other forty things I msut get done and how this really isn't a good time. I'm tired of the guilt of not being able to give back..always asking for help and never helping...it's tiring on my fair soul.
Looking forward to a visit to vancouver..but am I? Sean drunk with old friends..me...hiding..afraid...what have you heard? That I'm a domineering bitch? That I whisper acid in his ear? Why do I give a fuck? FUCK ME! I want to ride my horse into the mountains with a tent and a pack of books and come out in a month. Others..the other..OTHER ....OUCh you scare me I guess....haha..fuck it. I'm just me..and I'm good at that...that's about it...
I feel great strength here when I'm alone. When I'm doing what I KNOW needs to be done. When I am allowed to express my strength. It happens here only when I'm alone. I feel stupid with S..I feel like I cower. I hide and out pops a little girl every once in awhile. Who needs something from her distant abusive mother...who wants her dad to love her enough to stop the violence..to stay....he pushes away all the time. I'm afraid you know ot show him when I'm truly happy or excited..afraid to show him how much I love him..b/c he runs away then you know? It's like he won..and that bores him. I want to be able to open my heart and just give...to receive ...to give..to receive...ahh..I wrote a song about it today.
I want to run away from these two men all the time. I don't like how they treat me..is it THEY or is it the old one only? I don't know. I'm afraid that the young one will turn into the old one I think. How do you go? Slowly my friends...wondering all the way.
where would I rather be? Would I regret leaving here..maybe ..maybe not. I'm sick of the guilt associated with being who I am and not getting my needs met...it's ..frustrating. I'm sick of NOT APPRECIATING what I do have. Including me....I'm going to make a gratitude list. I"m going to demand what I need..from who? ME? Is this me? Lazy..in the mind.....maybe. I"m trying to read a book right now..and feel the pressure of boxes unpacked, a floor uncleaned and weeds growing rapidly. It's hard you see for me to find time to think..the reason most Manitoban farmers vote conservative...I want some time...I want to feel settled in a moment with my friends able to relax and not have my mind flying to the other forty things I msut get done and how this really isn't a good time. I'm tired of the guilt of not being able to give back..always asking for help and never helping...it's tiring on my fair soul.
Looking forward to a visit to vancouver..but am I? Sean drunk with old friends..me...hiding..afraid...what have you heard? That I'm a domineering bitch? That I whisper acid in his ear? Why do I give a fuck? FUCK ME! I want to ride my horse into the mountains with a tent and a pack of books and come out in a month. Others..the other..OTHER ....OUCh you scare me I guess....haha..fuck it. I'm just me..and I'm good at that...that's about it...
I feel great strength here when I'm alone. When I'm doing what I KNOW needs to be done. When I am allowed to express my strength. It happens here only when I'm alone. I feel stupid with S..I feel like I cower. I hide and out pops a little girl every once in awhile. Who needs something from her distant abusive mother...who wants her dad to love her enough to stop the violence..to stay....he pushes away all the time. I'm afraid you know ot show him when I'm truly happy or excited..afraid to show him how much I love him..b/c he runs away then you know? It's like he won..and that bores him. I want to be able to open my heart and just give...to receive ...to give..to receive...ahh..I wrote a song about it today.