Truths mirrors
Well you know I know it wasn't an affari, yhou know I know it isn't about me...you knjow I know that I feel different, less..like I am sinking a bit. I feel it..this inherent pattern with HIM the pattern of the less than. I feel it..this undervalued...unappreciated bit. I feel like smashing his face sometimes you know. WHY ? b/c maybe I'd feel better, maybe I could let go of the fact that not a week after I was gone you were slammin your hard dick into some little bit of AVOIDANCE was that her name? Or was it "AT LEAST SHE"S FUN" you want me ..buddy? You think that you deserve it? What the fuck was that about? Oh right, you were deasling with the pain the best you knew how..really? REALLY? CUZ here's what I think i think you were happy to be rid of me that you couldn['t wait till I was gone...to forget me to fuck someone else..and you know what else I think I think you're erratic and that it won't be long before I can't hold your attention anymore, and I hope to GOD i don't internalize that again..your inablility to love me...your .....fuckin inability to hang through something even when the fun parts are up...you only love me when I'm exciting. ...you don't love me...you love an idea of me...you love that...and when I don't hold your attention anymore ..what will you do? Make it about how fucked up I am? about how hard it is to be attracted to someone whos' crying all the time? Make it about how 'stressful' your life is...I've heard all this SHIT before...I won't accept it as blind truth anymore...it is bullshit. Either this is what you want or it isn't don't make this about me asshole. Why do I feel less ..why do I feel intruded upon ...b/c ...why "? Why? b/c I abanodoned a life I chose..a life I know I would 've walked proudly in..for a life I have always wanted..a life RAN BY YOU. If I had made this choice independent of YOU I would feel great..estatic..I don't I feel miserable...like I am letting you RUN my life again...like this isn't my choice..holy shit..this is crazy talk isn't it? Is beign with you MY CHOICE? Where is it driven from? My ego that gets to stand up and yell " A HA! SEE YOU MOTHER FUCKER IT WAS ME ALL ALONG>>>FUCK WHOEVER YOU LIKE>>>I AM THE WOMAN YOU REALLY WANT" or is it from my Spirit....which says " so much has happened b/t us..we have been through so much even while apart it seemed we went through it together, even while apart I still cared for you wanted the best for you...oh my brother, my lover, my friend...I hope to build a life with someone like you who I can Count on (ego yells BULLSHIT) who sees me for what I am, who I see..and love..this will be an amazing life experience." WHERE DOES MY CHOICE COME FROM>>>?? I think it's the first one that's why I'm having so much difficulty...I could use some one to talk to ..but I don't want to involve my friends in this again. I don't want then to hear this stuff..b/c lord knows I have put them through enough with this already. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (breath) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh....*cough*