About home and me
I guess I want to unload some garbage here. I have had the most amazing week since arriving home. I was slammmed inot a family reunion right away which demanded so much of me from the inside in order to maintain myself. This may have been for the best as the coming week would demand it of me. I had to face many friends who I have not seen in so long. They have changed, I have changed how do we come together again? As these questions are answered I must reach deep inside to not cop out and let myself become what I once was in order to deal with the situation. See it's easier that way...to assume my role somewhere again..find a role...I don't want a fuckin' role. Yet eternally we all want one in order to not have to actually think or feel about who we are...it just all becomes a reaction that way you knwo?
So then I am to face another large fear...S...which I had been dreading and wondering if I was up for for a long time. It went well. The end..what more can I say? Probably a lot. But for now...It went well.
I then saw my most magnificient friend H...which was a reunion of all time. It was wonderful..she is proud, beautiful..and my friend> I enjoyed her company and found myself in the company of someone who really understood what I was going throuhg rihg tnow. For this reason also I want to see R...I want to go to his b-day party..I want to be a part of his life again. I suppose there is a mature way of dealing with all of this..I'm flubbin' my way through...I have so much more learning and growing to do that is for sure.
I went to the land...ahh it was beautiful. I saw Al...our relationship picked right up where it left off with a softer more easy side to it. Our relationship has grown..it feels much easier to be with him. I enjoy him much more ...I found myself enjoying myself there much more. I walked in the hills onlly a little due to time and so on. Glenn showed up which threw a wrench in some of my plans, but it was great to see and visit with "Mr. Reality Check". We both slept outside under the stars in tents which was AWESOME!! I love sleeping in a tent..so much!
I walked some ...alone..with the dogs. Oh the dogs..I cried..haha. Cook...well Cook he reacted so funny. He saw me in the car and started crying and screaming..and pissing all over himself. So I got out of the car so he could see me. He is crying and peeing and rolling over so the pee ended up shooting out and almost hitting me ..haha...It was quite the welcome. Polly...was distant..angry....hurt...she didn't respond well..she didn't bark or act strange..she knew who I was..her eyes asked me.."where have you been? Why did you go?" ....After a bit of visiting I went back to see her..she was so full of love..she was so happy to see me...We spent some good time together the three of us. I missed them so much. I love them utterly. As I spent so much time alone in Korea I came to see that I love dogs so much..cuz they get it..nothing has to be said ...nobody has to be anything...just hang out with each other you know? I love them so much.
I saw the horses only briefly. Suzy kept following me around and wouldn't let me go. It was kewl..but I could only handle so much with them b/c it still...I don't know causes this ache in my heart so deep...so deep. It was a wonderful time...really it was..but I felt drained when we left. I have dry skin on my face right now...curious..curious..I think I had that all last year in the same spot..I'm probably reading to much into it.
So I inspected the old trailer....where many psycho and beautiful things happened. It was terribly WEIRD and refreshing to see it..and remember. I checked the drawer where my first love letter of any reputation once laid. Sure enough it was still there. There was this hope that it wasn't ..that maybe he had wanted my words of love near him at some point. Apparhently not ..haha.. So I read it...I read it and I laughed a lot...at my own childishness...at my fear..at my desperation from that time. I really was crazy. haha....though I also acknowledged the things that were still true. Such as...no matter how much wider my world and my belief in myself has gotten...my love for him remains. That even though I see that I could never accept him as he is....in a romantic way..I love him as a friend maybe more than I ever could have before and accept him entirely from that point of view. That I will always think that our POSSIBILITY was beyond anything I will have with anyone..though our REALITY was killing us both.
I thought a lot today about allowing others their mistakes..not being so harsh..being more accepting of others and their circumstances. It's funny how at one point I was always accepting peopel as they were and I wanted to be like thaqt..I wanted people to think I was like that. Now, I'm a lot more self righteous...i'd say it's a bit more uncomfortable..but I will leave there when my acceptance of others is a truth not a false facade I wear to promote my own identity.
So that's it for now..I've grown that is certain..I've changed...and so has everyone else. I feel more free than I have in a thousand years..or however long this energy in me has taken form ....I am...ALIVE...I am the OWNER of this person...and ain't it GRAND!!!!!!!!!