three eclipses and new life
Coyote. Wolf. Coyote. Wolf. So many times my psyche switches tween them. The coyote is light, the wolf is dark.
Coyote is golden, feminine, social. When I smile and make you laugh, look behind my eyes and you will see her. When I cook, and dance, and sing even when no one is around, she is just under my skin. She is the parent within me, the healer, the helper, life. She is light, and the one who brings me happiness.
She has a name, but it is secret.
Wolf is darkened ash, masculine, alone. When my face fills with shadow, and silence envelops me, behind my piercing eyes will be the wolf. He is the antithesis of Coyote. He cares only for his survival and those who are of use to him. He is protection, aggression, strength, and death. He is shadow, and does what is necessary to keep me in an advantageous position.
He also has a name, but it is secret.
These are not analogies. They are two ancient souls that found their way into this vessel one night under the full moon 25 years ago. They have awakened these past few years, and I have grown to know them intimately, for they are me.
The mystery I struggle with is the third soul I feel, mashed between the two Lupines. It is a newborn soul, nursed by the experiences of this life and the direction of elder souls. It smells distinctively human. I have tried to kill it before, I have spent years hating it, but now I think the purpose of this vessel is to nurture it with the help of the lupines.
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An unintended, lengthy backstory.
So much has happened in less than two months. I have gone through more pain than I thought I would ever experience. There are still moments I realize King is dead and am filled to the brim with instantaneous grief. I have silently cried at work.
Compounded on that pain was the damage inflicted by Her. When I was weak, and sad, and grieving, she damaged me. I like to think it is no big deal, but the wounds are still there. I had cared for her like family, made sacrifices, gave her my energy, and she destroyed everything. I was willing to forgive one incident, but twice she has hurt me too badly.
I really have tried to forgive, but all I want to do is bury Her. I spoke her name once afterwards, and it burned and tasted like urine. I haven't said or typed it since. She still attempts to ask for help, but I ignore it all. It brings me a lot of anxiety, and hatred, and sadness, and I want it all buried in the abyss that is the past.
Yes, a lot has happened in two months. I have found new light and happiness in a new home. The land here is rich, and I have found new people to spend time with. I am incredibly content here. It feels like I should have lived here years ago.
Coyote is golden, feminine, social. When I smile and make you laugh, look behind my eyes and you will see her. When I cook, and dance, and sing even when no one is around, she is just under my skin. She is the parent within me, the healer, the helper, life. She is light, and the one who brings me happiness.
She has a name, but it is secret.
Wolf is darkened ash, masculine, alone. When my face fills with shadow, and silence envelops me, behind my piercing eyes will be the wolf. He is the antithesis of Coyote. He cares only for his survival and those who are of use to him. He is protection, aggression, strength, and death. He is shadow, and does what is necessary to keep me in an advantageous position.
He also has a name, but it is secret.
These are not analogies. They are two ancient souls that found their way into this vessel one night under the full moon 25 years ago. They have awakened these past few years, and I have grown to know them intimately, for they are me.
The mystery I struggle with is the third soul I feel, mashed between the two Lupines. It is a newborn soul, nursed by the experiences of this life and the direction of elder souls. It smells distinctively human. I have tried to kill it before, I have spent years hating it, but now I think the purpose of this vessel is to nurture it with the help of the lupines.
====
An unintended, lengthy backstory.
So much has happened in less than two months. I have gone through more pain than I thought I would ever experience. There are still moments I realize King is dead and am filled to the brim with instantaneous grief. I have silently cried at work.
Compounded on that pain was the damage inflicted by Her. When I was weak, and sad, and grieving, she damaged me. I like to think it is no big deal, but the wounds are still there. I had cared for her like family, made sacrifices, gave her my energy, and she destroyed everything. I was willing to forgive one incident, but twice she has hurt me too badly.
I really have tried to forgive, but all I want to do is bury Her. I spoke her name once afterwards, and it burned and tasted like urine. I haven't said or typed it since. She still attempts to ask for help, but I ignore it all. It brings me a lot of anxiety, and hatred, and sadness, and I want it all buried in the abyss that is the past.
Yes, a lot has happened in two months. I have found new light and happiness in a new home. The land here is rich, and I have found new people to spend time with. I am incredibly content here. It feels like I should have lived here years ago.