So I've been thinking
all damned day, really, about my "which planet is your soul from" result...more specifically the part that says:
"Being so occupied with love can cause a romantic and almost illusive (sic)view of reality"
and:
"Learning to accept all situations as being based on getting closer to love is your key to this life."
It's been wraking havoc on my mind because it's so damned accurate. The first part, about being occupied with love, I can relate that to always BEING in love - in the past 20+ years, I have never NOT been in love with someone...there has never been any time in between relationships where I was alone...I went from my 1st husband to my ex-alcoholic to my 2nd husband to Doug...and the transitions were practically seamless. I am ALWAYS occupied with love because I have ALWAYS been in a relationship with SOMEONE. Therefor, I'm not sure I know what reality really is. Maybe that's why I'm so fucked up now.
And then there's the second part, about learning to accept all situations being the key...I've never been able to just accept the things I can't change about people...more specifically, about the men in my life. I always have to have answers, I always have to UNDERSTAND the whys of their behaviour...and I always expect people to be exactly like me...and when the bubble bursts and I realize that they're not, I get hurt and angry.
Well, how fucked up is THAT?
Take Doug for example - I know he loved me way back when, and I know he loves me now...but his view of love and mine are somewhat different. And of course, I have to have the "right" kind...
By the GODS, what a fucking hypocrite I am!
I am ALWAYS spouting off about letting people be who they are, and how trying to force your own views and opinions and beliefs onto others is so wrong....like religion - I would never in a million years tell a christian or a jew or a hindu or even a jehovas witness that THEIR beliefs are wrong as long as they don't try to force those beliefs onto me, try to "convert" me.
But that, my friends, is what I have been trying to do not only with Doug but with EVERY man I've had a relationship with (ok I'm not sure the ex-alcoholic counts, his life was twisted by his disease and truth be told, the relationship I had with him was the one that taught me that people can only change when THEY want to, and not one second before). But again, using Doug as an example, I have been trying to "convert" his way of showing and experiencing love into my own. OK, I don't have to stand for being disrespected or lied to or mistreated, but do I have the right to force my beliefs on what love is (or what I think love SHOULD be) onto someone else, to try to force them to conform to MY way?
I think not.
Holy shit.
I have been fighting so damned hard to make Doug love me the way I think he should that I have been oblivious to the fact that, in his own way, he DOES love me. So what if I'm not the only one he loves? I've never been a big believer in monogamy; I don't believe humans by nature are MEANT to be monogamous. Goddess knows that I have loved more than one man at a time; I was just better at keeping each love a secret from the other, known only to me and my best friend in the whole world. What does that say about me?
THAT I'M A BIG FAT FUCKING HYPOCRITE.
So, my friends, maybe it IS my attitudes and bitchiness that keeps him from being here with me as much as I'd like him to be...I mean really, would YOU want to spend time with someone who is always angry and bitter and nasty toward you? I realize that the times when I'm happy and playful and loving he seems to be around a whole lot more...but he starts pulling away and being physically and emotionally distant from me when I start getting possessive and jealous and nasty.
True, I wish he would be honest with ALL of the parties involved in this situation, but that is not my choice to make. That is HIS choice and I can't make it for him.
And I'm completely sane and sober right now. Damn.
Thoughts and/or opinions are, as always, appreciated.
"Being so occupied with love can cause a romantic and almost illusive (sic)view of reality"
and:
"Learning to accept all situations as being based on getting closer to love is your key to this life."
It's been wraking havoc on my mind because it's so damned accurate. The first part, about being occupied with love, I can relate that to always BEING in love - in the past 20+ years, I have never NOT been in love with someone...there has never been any time in between relationships where I was alone...I went from my 1st husband to my ex-alcoholic to my 2nd husband to Doug...and the transitions were practically seamless. I am ALWAYS occupied with love because I have ALWAYS been in a relationship with SOMEONE. Therefor, I'm not sure I know what reality really is. Maybe that's why I'm so fucked up now.
And then there's the second part, about learning to accept all situations being the key...I've never been able to just accept the things I can't change about people...more specifically, about the men in my life. I always have to have answers, I always have to UNDERSTAND the whys of their behaviour...and I always expect people to be exactly like me...and when the bubble bursts and I realize that they're not, I get hurt and angry.
Well, how fucked up is THAT?
Take Doug for example - I know he loved me way back when, and I know he loves me now...but his view of love and mine are somewhat different. And of course, I have to have the "right" kind...
By the GODS, what a fucking hypocrite I am!
I am ALWAYS spouting off about letting people be who they are, and how trying to force your own views and opinions and beliefs onto others is so wrong....like religion - I would never in a million years tell a christian or a jew or a hindu or even a jehovas witness that THEIR beliefs are wrong as long as they don't try to force those beliefs onto me, try to "convert" me.
But that, my friends, is what I have been trying to do not only with Doug but with EVERY man I've had a relationship with (ok I'm not sure the ex-alcoholic counts, his life was twisted by his disease and truth be told, the relationship I had with him was the one that taught me that people can only change when THEY want to, and not one second before). But again, using Doug as an example, I have been trying to "convert" his way of showing and experiencing love into my own. OK, I don't have to stand for being disrespected or lied to or mistreated, but do I have the right to force my beliefs on what love is (or what I think love SHOULD be) onto someone else, to try to force them to conform to MY way?
I think not.
Holy shit.
I have been fighting so damned hard to make Doug love me the way I think he should that I have been oblivious to the fact that, in his own way, he DOES love me. So what if I'm not the only one he loves? I've never been a big believer in monogamy; I don't believe humans by nature are MEANT to be monogamous. Goddess knows that I have loved more than one man at a time; I was just better at keeping each love a secret from the other, known only to me and my best friend in the whole world. What does that say about me?
THAT I'M A BIG FAT FUCKING HYPOCRITE.
So, my friends, maybe it IS my attitudes and bitchiness that keeps him from being here with me as much as I'd like him to be...I mean really, would YOU want to spend time with someone who is always angry and bitter and nasty toward you? I realize that the times when I'm happy and playful and loving he seems to be around a whole lot more...but he starts pulling away and being physically and emotionally distant from me when I start getting possessive and jealous and nasty.
True, I wish he would be honest with ALL of the parties involved in this situation, but that is not my choice to make. That is HIS choice and I can't make it for him.
And I'm completely sane and sober right now. Damn.
Thoughts and/or opinions are, as always, appreciated.