Talk me down, y'all, TALK ME DOWN
OK, so upon some thought, I realized that there are some things, some unfinished business that need to be discussed before we can be truly over...not personal things, per se, more actual business related issues. So, I sent a very non-personal, non-emotional text message asking when we could talk about these issues. A back & forth session ensued, of which both sides were to-the-point...then all commo stopped..so I sent a final one basically saying, ok fine, I didn't want us to hate each other but since you can't even answer me I guess that's how we'll play it, it didn't have to be this way but whatever...
and with his response, the button pushing began.
Let's see - he doesn't want us to be this way. He knows he's been (in his words) a fucker toward me and he's sorry. He loves me.
By the GODS, how much can one person take?
And what's worse, why is my anger dissolving? Why can't I put a lock on those damned buttons and not allow them to be pushed? I KNOW this is for the best, I KNOW it's the right thing to be doing, I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW....
but I also know that whenI walk through this door tomorrow, and see him, every bit of resolve I have will more than likely fade away...BUT I CAN'T LET IT!!!! I CAN'T!!! I already have almost no respect for myself, I'm already disgusted with myself for allowing it to go on this long....so why is that little voice whispering in my brain that I'm nothing without him, that my life means shit without him in it...and WHY CAN'T I SHUT IT THE FUCK UP???
Tell me again - and keep telling me, PLEASE - how this is the right thing to do, to be strong and stick with it...because I'll admit that right now I'm wavering badly.
I don't want to be a fool anymore. I don't want to be his doormat anymore. I don't want to be second best anymore.
I don't want to be breathing anymore.
and with his response, the button pushing began.
Let's see - he doesn't want us to be this way. He knows he's been (in his words) a fucker toward me and he's sorry. He loves me.
By the GODS, how much can one person take?
And what's worse, why is my anger dissolving? Why can't I put a lock on those damned buttons and not allow them to be pushed? I KNOW this is for the best, I KNOW it's the right thing to be doing, I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW....
but I also know that whenI walk through this door tomorrow, and see him, every bit of resolve I have will more than likely fade away...BUT I CAN'T LET IT!!!! I CAN'T!!! I already have almost no respect for myself, I'm already disgusted with myself for allowing it to go on this long....so why is that little voice whispering in my brain that I'm nothing without him, that my life means shit without him in it...and WHY CAN'T I SHUT IT THE FUCK UP???
Tell me again - and keep telling me, PLEASE - how this is the right thing to do, to be strong and stick with it...because I'll admit that right now I'm wavering badly.
I don't want to be a fool anymore. I don't want to be his doormat anymore. I don't want to be second best anymore.
I don't want to be breathing anymore.