Shadows on the forest floor
I got to thinking today about how very different my life is from others. We all have individual lives of course. One life compared to another is so vastly different as to be difficult to categorize, though we all eat, and sleep, and die. The substance of my thinking is more to do with my growing sense of alienation from what I percieve to be the values of others.
When I say something like,.. 'Isolation' I mean a very distinct sensation. That sensation is gone from most modern culture. Jammed so tightly together in hive clusters, its impossible to go without seeing other people in their workplace, in their tenement building, on the roads, and the ever present commercial shrine of consumer outlets. The 'Isolation' I experience is a totally alien concept.
While that is a good example of my meaning,.. it is but one word,.. and its hard to cram the life meaning it is meant to convey into a single word. There are so many words in my vocabulary that just paint expressions of confusion, hostility, and estrangement in varying degrees in the expression of those that encounter it.
After a time, I learned just not to say those kind of things in order to be accepted by degree. It doesn't really matter that if anyone else knows or not,.. how could it? Trying to express it does not win me any popularity contests,.. and even if it did,.. what would be the point?
Someone out of the blue told me that they thought I was not achieving my potential,.. that somehow,.. who I am and what I am doing with myself is beneath what they thought my capability could achieve. That they had prospered in their life and felt sad that I had not. It was a shock to me. I did not know the person felt that way. Its what got me to thinking. I do not think they intended it to be insulting,.. it sure did feel like an insult though.
'Sacrifice' is another of those self identifying words. I can give myself over to the loss of things I hold dear, and have done so, in order to pursue what I value in my life. I did it when I left Tennessee for the army, when I turned my back in disgust of my religion, when I walked out of people's lives for good and sealed off the possibility of their return to my life again.
I live in a hole in the ground. I do not have running water. Emergency services are utterly unavailable out here in the nothing. I rarely have money. I have no kin anymore. All electricity is produced on site so I must be somewhat frugal with my power expenditure.
The reason I was willing to sacrifice those things is to achieve (by degree) my dreams. I have seen such beautiful things, loved with the utmost intensity and passion, known what it is to be a hero to someone. I can say that I know what bliss is and utterly know the truth of my statement.
I found the little patch of nothing I want my bones to eventual be left behind in (after a full life or unavoidable accident) that I am not lying. The sacrifices required in order to experience these things are the path of least resistance on the path I feel drawn to walking my little life down.
Somehow,.. this person looked upon the few details of what constitutes my reality they knew and feel as though I was wasting my life.
And then,.. my epiphany.
What I get out of life is simply invisible to on lookers. The values I hold, relationships, aesthetic, my perspective,... all the things that add up essentially to /me/. That's how I at times find myself amidst confusion, how I give offense, and am hurt. I cannot expect others to accept what they cannot understand about me any more than I can force myself to be something I am not.
This is what it is to be me and that is not going to change.
If I am unwilling to change for others in order to live my life, unable to be understood, and if who I am hurts/is hurt by those around me how can I be anything but distant? The forgone conclusion of the situation fills me with an acceptance of it. While I might prefer other out comes, I find consequences of seeking what I think of as my own potential and life are fitting.
What more can anyone ask out of life?
When I say something like,.. 'Isolation' I mean a very distinct sensation. That sensation is gone from most modern culture. Jammed so tightly together in hive clusters, its impossible to go without seeing other people in their workplace, in their tenement building, on the roads, and the ever present commercial shrine of consumer outlets. The 'Isolation' I experience is a totally alien concept.
While that is a good example of my meaning,.. it is but one word,.. and its hard to cram the life meaning it is meant to convey into a single word. There are so many words in my vocabulary that just paint expressions of confusion, hostility, and estrangement in varying degrees in the expression of those that encounter it.
After a time, I learned just not to say those kind of things in order to be accepted by degree. It doesn't really matter that if anyone else knows or not,.. how could it? Trying to express it does not win me any popularity contests,.. and even if it did,.. what would be the point?
Someone out of the blue told me that they thought I was not achieving my potential,.. that somehow,.. who I am and what I am doing with myself is beneath what they thought my capability could achieve. That they had prospered in their life and felt sad that I had not. It was a shock to me. I did not know the person felt that way. Its what got me to thinking. I do not think they intended it to be insulting,.. it sure did feel like an insult though.
'Sacrifice' is another of those self identifying words. I can give myself over to the loss of things I hold dear, and have done so, in order to pursue what I value in my life. I did it when I left Tennessee for the army, when I turned my back in disgust of my religion, when I walked out of people's lives for good and sealed off the possibility of their return to my life again.
I live in a hole in the ground. I do not have running water. Emergency services are utterly unavailable out here in the nothing. I rarely have money. I have no kin anymore. All electricity is produced on site so I must be somewhat frugal with my power expenditure.
The reason I was willing to sacrifice those things is to achieve (by degree) my dreams. I have seen such beautiful things, loved with the utmost intensity and passion, known what it is to be a hero to someone. I can say that I know what bliss is and utterly know the truth of my statement.
I found the little patch of nothing I want my bones to eventual be left behind in (after a full life or unavoidable accident) that I am not lying. The sacrifices required in order to experience these things are the path of least resistance on the path I feel drawn to walking my little life down.
Somehow,.. this person looked upon the few details of what constitutes my reality they knew and feel as though I was wasting my life.
And then,.. my epiphany.
What I get out of life is simply invisible to on lookers. The values I hold, relationships, aesthetic, my perspective,... all the things that add up essentially to /me/. That's how I at times find myself amidst confusion, how I give offense, and am hurt. I cannot expect others to accept what they cannot understand about me any more than I can force myself to be something I am not.
This is what it is to be me and that is not going to change.
If I am unwilling to change for others in order to live my life, unable to be understood, and if who I am hurts/is hurt by those around me how can I be anything but distant? The forgone conclusion of the situation fills me with an acceptance of it. While I might prefer other out comes, I find consequences of seeking what I think of as my own potential and life are fitting.
What more can anyone ask out of life?