At the End of my Rope

[wolfs_daugher]

what good does having a sense of self do you, if all you get out of it is pain, loss, and grief?

Why the hell am I doing this anyway?

I wasn't good enough for Nithogg, or for S~

I am not good enough for my so-called family, spousal unit included.

When does it start being worth all the fucking effort?

Sparrow

Comments

[dkferret]

what good does having a sense of self do you, if all you get out of it is pain, loss, and grief?

I've been asking myself this one since I was 23. A lover (for whom I walked away from a stable mildly abusive relationship) pointed out that I was acting like a doormat when I had potential to be a tapestry. Needless to say, this same lover then proceeded to treat me like a doormat and was confused at my anger. I walked away from that relationship, but have kept the metaphor. Someday I will be a tapestry.

When does it start being worth all the fucking effort?

Depends on your perspective. From the inside it often seems that the same mistakes are being made over and over and that there has been no progress because the goal has not been attained. From an outside perspective the changes are almost too large to measure.

Each step you take. Each time you make a different decision. Each time you choose to have worth. All of these add up. The changes that are truest and most lasting happen slowly, over time, like water carving stone.

I can blather platitudes and metaphors at you all day. I don't think that would be particularly useful since you seem to be looking for real time answers. The measure is probably in years. Three to Seven years is a reasonable estimate for this level of change. I think I started being able to see some of the change around the time I joined 9-Sisters. This was after nearly 7 years of self-work.

I wish you luck on your journey.