Through the Rain / Chapter 41
Thanks so much everybody for still secretly hoping I'd post again. This post is a chapter I forgot to transfer over but you would've all read anyway and the next new one will be posted straight after.
The Rise and Fall
She sat restlessly in her seat thousands of feet in the air as she let her gaze wander out of the small window only to watch the skies go past. Her mind was frozen but to no thought in particular but rather her life as a whole and she continued to sit with a deduced expression upon her face as the plane would take her from one energy draining experience to the next in which she was anticipating.
"Ma’am, would you like anything from the cart?" The stewardess said kindly as she pushed along an assembly of hot and cold beverages. "Ma’am?" She repeated after the girl sitting blankly hadn’t responded.
"Sorry?" Marissa said as she shook off her daze.
"Anything from the cart?"
"No, no, I’m sorry, I’m fine…thank you…" She quickly said trying to regain her sense of awareness and the flight attendant moved on.
Her mind must have been more pre-occupied than she thought. If only life would be so simple then they wouldn’t have to be in such a state. She thought back to their argument, and despite not being sorry for the things she said because she knew all it was, was the truth, but sometimes she wished that things could just fix themselves without having to go through the motions of fighting with each other. Marissa’s heart sinks at the image of him and having to just stop by his place only to leave a minute later that morning. To get past it all she thinks to herself and knows she’s going to have to just accept it and put it behind them, but if she’s going to start somewhere she guesses it’s got to be with her mom.
Suddenly a bell precedes a woman over the loudspeaker and she makes an announcement, "Ladies and gentlemen, if you could all make your way back to your designated seats as we will shortly begin our descent into Orange County, thank you."
***
‘The man was who was in his late forties was quickly rushed to hospital where he died upon arrival.’
"The world sucks doesn’t it?" He said in a raspy voice, hollow, and emotionless.
"Excuse me?" Sarah asked bewildered as she came through the door, flinging her keys upon the side table and lazily kicking off her shoes.
"I mean, we’re all born, and if we’re lucky enough to not be murdered or have some life threatening disease and get to reach a ripe old age of say, eighty, we’re most likely to die alone in a house in which no one will find us of course for a good three weeks. The neighbors will start to notice your mail pile up and when finally someone does search your house they find you, they’ll take you in, hope that some family or friend will come in to claim knowing you. When that doesn’t happen they of course will just have a short and simple burial for you to make room for the next guy. The priest will say his final words and the caretaker will just stand there as your deteriorating body is taken into the ground where your remains will be finished off…" Ryan answers as he takes another swig of his beer.
Sarah’s forehead crinkled, continuing to look at him confused and completely confounded, "Wow…that was uh…graphic…I take it that’s your little soccer team of Budweisers talking…" She said referring once again to that ever growing pile of long-necks.
"What? This…this is nothing…"
"Right…" Sarah said eyeing him as she walked off in the direction of her room to get changed and return moments later in a tank top and shorts with her hair in a messy bun.
"Where’d you get back from anyway?" He enquired as she walked past him and into the kitchen bringing out another cold beer from the fridge for her to drink. "Oh good you can join me…"
"I had a short shift at work, a good few hours of old men tired of their wives trying to hit on the first thing with breasts that come their way…you’re right, life does suck…" She sighed as she took a seat on the couch adjacent to him. "Not only that…I bumped into Roy who conveniently forgot I worked there…"
"Yeah…what’d he want?" Ryan said as he flicked off the television with the remote and lay turned to lie down on the couch still with his Bud in hand.
"I don’t know…maybe he hasn’t been able to find anyone else to put up with his crap since we broke up…come to think it of it…doesn’t seem like I’ll find anyone else either…"
"You’ll find somebody…"
She shrugs him off, "What about you? We’ve got the rest of the day for you to tell me why you’re drowning yourself in beer and dark lighting…what’s your reason?"
***
"Marissa…" Julie slightly gasped as she saw her daughter standing by her doorstep.
"Hey…mom", she said softly as she kept her bags at her sides.
"Uh…hi…" she said weakly in return.
Julie was taken aback. It was quiet and only the waves in the background could be heard, they were at a standstill for a good few minutes, never breaking eye contact and almost as if they were trying to read each others’ thoughts. Both mother and daughter were rendered speechless, they didn’t know where to begin, what to say, how to feel; there just wasn’t enough time to be prepared, if you could have even been prepared.
Marissa could feel the tension in her head start to build up and the sight of her mother looking slightly worse than when she last saw her was causing her tears to ready themselves. After what was literally the longest time she just came out with the first thing that came to her, "I hate that you kept this from me…" Marissa exhaled softly as if that last breath just deflated the last of her energy.
Julie could only offer her a half smile and nodded, "I know…" she replied as she took a step back and grabbed one of Marissa’s carry-on luggage and invited her in.
She stepped inside and left her things by the entry way and Julie trailed of towards the kitchen and set the kettle to boil. Marissa walked in the same direction where they stood face to face at opposite ends of the counter.
"I’m still angry, I’m still hurt, and just after finding out that you’d been lying to me I find out that my closest friends in the world were keeping your secret too…" Marissa began. "This past month has been…tiring, and that’s an understatement. I’ve found myself not being able to talk to you, talk to Summer or Seth, talk to Ryan…and it kills me..."
"Marissa it wasn’t something I wanted you to find out from anyone else but me…"
"Or was it something you really didn’t want me to find out until it was too late…" Marissa took a deep breath trying so hard to keep her tears at bay for just a little bit longer. "You’re my family, you, Kaitlin, at the end of the day…you’re my family, we’re all we have left…and it would’ve been nice if you knew that you could depend on me, it would’ve been nice if you could’ve just put a little more trust in me; someone strong enough to help you get through this."
Marissa’s words struck Julie’s heart and she looked to her hands, seeing the fine lines and wrinkles that have formed through her years, she noticed they were pale, in need of a manicure, where not too far back she would have never let her fingernails get into such an unpolished state, and it made her think, "You know…I really don’t know…I don’t know how much time I have left, and I don’t blame you if you hate me for what I did or didn’t do, and maybe it was selfish and I just didn’t think enough before I acted upon it, but the idea of having to tell you or Kaitlin…I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to spend whatever time I had left watching you girls worry about me. I love and look forward to when you visit. We weren’t always on speaking terms…"
"God only knows how many deck chairs suffered because of it…" Marissa said with the tiniest hint of a smile trying to lighten the mood.
"So when you’d visit I enjoyed our talks, just the little things, your life now, getting a good education, having good friends around you, it’s all I ever wanted for you. When you’d tell me about the new people you meet, or having gotten back together with Ryan, after your trip to New York…you were…happy, and I just didn’t want to take that from you. I didn’t want things to change. I was afraid if I told you, you’d see me differently, you’d be too conscious of what was physically happening to me to be able to continue and enjoy your life. I mean I think the only reason you’re not yelling at me like I would’ve expected you to do is because something is wrong with me and you’d feel guilty."
"You still should’ve told me…I may have had to carry the thought of you dying wherever I went, but having to sacrifice for things and people you love just comes with the territory. You did it for me and I just needed you to have enough faith that I would’ve been okay doing it for you…I would’ve rather known for the longest time that, that day may be your last, than being blissfully ignorant until the very end and suddenly have it all come down…"
***
"So that’s how she found out…and now…now I don’t know, we’re on some sort of a break while she’s gone home to Newport for a week…" Ryan explained as he proceeded to stare at the ceiling and the alcohol’s effects slowly creeping in .
"You’re on a break?" Sarah enquired.
"Maybe, I really don’t know what to call it…It’s just been one big mess since she found out."
"Have you continued to try talking to her about it?
"She’s hasn’t really been one for talking, or anything else for that matter. Marissa just hasn’t been herself lately…she’s distant…she doesn’t really want to see me. Every time we do see each other we end up in awkward silences or an argument. I can’t blame her though…" He says regretfully as he goes back to reflecting upon what’s become of their relationship for weeks now.
"I don’t know, I mean stop me if I’m overstepping my mark here but…I think she should cut you and your friends a little slack, especially you. From what I hear, you were just trying to keep her from having to suffer through this whole thing and she’s kind of…just thrown it back in your face."
Ryan had to slightly struggle to get to his feet and lazily walked towards the refrigerator, "Marissa has been through a lot and I guess I feel…like its my responsibility to protect her, but I understood what she meant by needing me to see she’s capable of a lot…"
Sarah continued to listen as he came back and tapped her on the shoulder with the tip of another beer bottle before going back to sit in his place, "So…I mean, does that make you feel…I mean, how does it make you feel? That idea that she doesn’t really need you?" She said choosing her words almost insinuatingly.
Ryan was slightly taken aback as he barely even stopped to think that all this may be about her not needing him, and the thought of her not needing him at all, was something he hadn’t really fathomed beforehand. "I’m sure…that’s not what she’s really saying…" He said, more so to convince himself but now not really succeeding.
"I just kind of think Ryan that she failed to at least show some sort of gratitude that whatever you did only had her in mind…" She trailed off as Ryan sat on that thought for a good series of moments. "I mean I’m not an expert on relationships but from what you’ve told me, I think relationships need to be a two way street and you need to find a compromise somewhere in resolving mistakes you’ve made and not just put entirely on the shoulders of one person…"
"No…I mean…I see your point…" Ryan concluded.
***
The two Cooper women proceeded to be at a crossroads as they stood with the kitchen bench still the divider between them. Julie kept a grip on her warm cup of tea as if clutching something in her hand afforded her some sense of stability. "No matter how many times we go back and forth Marissa, no matter how many times I apologize, it is something I can never change…"
"You’re expecting me to move on and forget about it like it didn’t happen…" Marissa answered as she slid tiredly on one of the bench stools.
"Marissa…I’m not expecting you to forget, but I would hope that you’ll eventually be able to make a choice. You can accept what’s happened for what it is, deal with it and move on, or you can continue to be angry…at me, your friends…Ryan, or the world. But Marissa, the anger only stops you from living and I don’t want that for you, and I don’t want you to want it for yourself…" Julie explained as she felt her heart growing weary; emotionally or physically, it was hard to tell these days.
Marissa intertwined her two hands and faced downward as if in prayer. "Everything I have come to know for the past year has been all fabricated for me, and with everything I’ve just found out about you…I’m supposed to move on and get on with it, and suddenly just get used to the idea you’ve got something in you that may not let you see through a year from now. So what do you do? How do you even begin?" She asked openly. "Could you do what you’re now asking me to do?"
Julie just looked at her again stumped and looked to the swirling patterns created by the surface of her tea in a combination of liquid and light. It almost looked like a vortex, a place to enter and go back in time. When she thought of time she thought back to who she was at Marissa’s age and if she could do what she expects her daughter to do.
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
***
"Besides…what would I know…like I said, I’m going to end up all alone at the rate I’m going…" Sarah said almost inducing self pity.
"Sarah, I’ve told you over and over you’re not going to end up alone…" Ryan smiled.
Sarah shook her head, "You know today when Roy came in…as pathetic as this sounds…a really small part of me was hoping he was there to try and get back together with me…"
"I thought you said…"
"I lied…he came in with some woman…even he can find someone else…" She scoffs.
"Sarah I think you’re far better off alone than with that guy." Ryan said reassuringly.
"You think so?" She asked.
"Absolutely", he answered as he sat up and patted the spot right next to him for her to come over and she willingly obliged.
Making herself comfortable his arm was slung behind her and his rough fingertips barely touching her shoulders and she could feel a spark through her spine at his slightest touch. "I don’t know what’s wrong with me Ryan…I make all the wrong choices. I’ve dated all the wrong men. I somehow get myself in all sorts of situations and sometimes I think if it weren’t for you I don’t know where I’d be…" She said sweetly and took the opportunity to rest her head upon his shoulder and when he didn’t shrug her off she took it as a sign it would be okay to remain there.
"Sarah I don’t know how many times I have to tell you how beautiful you are and any man would be lucky to have you…" He said kissing atop of her head.
"Why can’t I just find someone caring and affectionate, understanding…someone like you…" She said softly as she looked up into his eyes and for the two of them that moment got lost in a haze and froze still.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
Their eyes connected and in their beings that sat vulnerable and inhabited by the alcohol Ryan looked down at her weary eyes and her into his saddened ones. Intoxicated and both thrown into a state of emotional instability they looked to each other and somehow saw a sense of understanding between them. He looked at her and saw a look of returned affection he hadn’t seen in weeks. Confused and not in a perfect frame of mind he looked downward upon her porcelain skin and her lips became a thing of admiration. He welcomed the comfort a woman beside him brought as the cold confrontations he’s had with Marissa had left him feeling rejected. Looking at Sarah with his arm draped across her shoulder she turned to better face him and her lips became an object of desire, unable to think straight his only thought in that second was what it would be like if he were to fuse his own with it. Like a sudden jolt they pressed forward inwardly to each other and the tension that had built up had closed in as they were no longer left to imagine and he found himself in returning Sarah’s physical embraces.
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
***
"If ever there was a next time…how do I know you’ll think better of me then?" Marissa asked painfully as her slight shakes of the head continued to show she didn’t have the answers and this matter, could it be so easily resolved…
Julie clutched her heart and began taking deep breaths. The life inside of her felt unstable and the room throbbed inwardly as it began to feel smaller and take away the air she was searching for. Using her other arm as support upon the counter she tried to keep herself upright as she panted sharp breaths as suddenly Marissa looked up wide eyed and panicked.
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
"Mom!" Marissa said as she got to her feet straight away and Julie slipped collapsing on the floor with Marissa a second too late to catch her; the cup of tea she clutched dispersed in shattered pieces on the floor as the liquid created an unstoppable trail within its radius.
***
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
Both feeling alone and suddenly enraptured in the ability to capture another’s affection, their breaths grew heavy as his lips would collide with hers mercilessly. The alcohol was taking their effect and turned their melded world into an alternate domain of euphoria. It was human nature to want and seek out warmth from another and after being thrown into the icy realities between him and Marissa, Sarah’s touch upon him was like a much needed blanket. He felt wanted, needed, and desired. Her fingers ran with passion now slowly snaking around his body as they turned to better position themselves in front of each other. Ryan’s being was torn into two, in a daze part of him knew something wasn’t right, but the other part could not be reprimanded and called to a halt and no sooner did he find himself peeling off her top and using his rough hands to grasp her slender and toned waist to pull her closer.
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
***
The urgency and the chaos around her, the sight of her mother on the stretcher needing so desperately to be fed oxygen, the afternoon quickly turned so dark and the situation before her a whirlwind speeding to fast she was soon to be caught in its vacuum. The red lights continued to spin and Marissa followed as her mother was taken into the ambulance, the oxygen mask and tubes networked and weaved around her, revealing how truly frail Julie was it had Marissa choked up at the image of her. The tears were creating a blur in her vision as she sat by her side as the ambulance officers tended to her she looked on helpless with a million things on her mind. Every second thought was hoping she was okay, every thought in between is all the things she would fix in her life if her mom were to pull through this. The ambulance pulled out onto the street and sped hastily for the hospital.
Lights will guide you home
***
The heat in the air grew thick and Ryan found himself tearing item after item off of Sarah’s body and flinging it to the floor. Laying beneath him in her underwear she took to work on removing the shirt upon his skin and was only wanting more after feeling the rippled surface of his torso. He hovered over her as they both now lay on the couch in a compromised position as they continued to explore each other’s mouths with their palettes. Still in this other universe they wanted more, he got to his feet and picked her up as she wrapped her legs around his waist and grasped her thighs and leaded her to the bedroom. She left soft kisses along his collarbone and tasted the sweat in the crook of his neck just before he threw her down and her on her back against the mattress. He climbed over her as she made fast work of the belt on his jeans and slid down the zipper increasingly heated and eager.
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
***
Julie’s stretcher was pushed quickly through the winding corridors as Marissa ran with tears in her eyes struggling to keep up. The cold lighting flooded the halls and in the sterility of it Marissa couldn’t feel more alone as she watched her mother being taken away further and further. She had made it to the end until a ward had told her not to go any further and as she saw her mom’s body being reeled in past a set of double doors she pushed past the nurses but disapprovingly restrained herself as she stood on her tip toes and watched through the small windows, a series of doctors working around her in frantic desperation. Her head felt light and she took a step back using her hands behind her to find something to hold onto until she found her fingers touching the solidity of the wall and slid down to the grown against it crying like there would be no tomorrow.
Tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I…
***
Ryan found himself doing the unthinkable when his and Sarah’s naked bodies collided in union in the darkness of the late afternoon. In ecstasy she left subtle marks on his back from clutching onto him tightly and each of his thrusts forced her to call out his name and though he could hear her he felt detached from his own body. The rise and fall of their hips together was an act of pure lust and even though he had an attractive woman beneath him for his pleasure it rather seemed almost as if his spirit watched his physical being make what could have possibly been one of the biggest mistakes of his life yet.
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I…
***
She lay awake with her eyes darkened from all her tears she cried as she now sat alone much later that night in the waiting room where she’d been for hours without any news about her mom, refusing to leave until they would come out to give her any. The lights were dimmed as visiting hours were long gone and only the nurses from the graveyard shift were out. Marissa kept her knees huddled and hadn’t even realized she’d been rocking back and forth in her seat endlessly as she shut her eyes and bowed her head to do the only thing she could think to do…pray.
***
It was now surely to be after midnight as Sarah continued to lay beside him with her back turned and facing the other way with their bodies still only wearing the sheets. They both fell asleep not long after what they had done but Ryan now lay awake alone with the throbbing pain in his head since then. His body could just break down at any moment, unable to see straight as the hangover had already started to settle. Though through all of which he couldn’t do because of what the alcohol was continuing to do to him, it felt like someone ordered him penance in which he was able to remember everything that he had just done within the past several hours. The unmistakable deed that was sure to end his relationship with the only girl he’s ever loved, unable to release to the searing pain from his head and haunting images of her from his mind.
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
Song / Fix You by Coldplay
The Rise and Fall
She sat restlessly in her seat thousands of feet in the air as she let her gaze wander out of the small window only to watch the skies go past. Her mind was frozen but to no thought in particular but rather her life as a whole and she continued to sit with a deduced expression upon her face as the plane would take her from one energy draining experience to the next in which she was anticipating.
"Ma’am, would you like anything from the cart?" The stewardess said kindly as she pushed along an assembly of hot and cold beverages. "Ma’am?" She repeated after the girl sitting blankly hadn’t responded.
"Sorry?" Marissa said as she shook off her daze.
"Anything from the cart?"
"No, no, I’m sorry, I’m fine…thank you…" She quickly said trying to regain her sense of awareness and the flight attendant moved on.
Her mind must have been more pre-occupied than she thought. If only life would be so simple then they wouldn’t have to be in such a state. She thought back to their argument, and despite not being sorry for the things she said because she knew all it was, was the truth, but sometimes she wished that things could just fix themselves without having to go through the motions of fighting with each other. Marissa’s heart sinks at the image of him and having to just stop by his place only to leave a minute later that morning. To get past it all she thinks to herself and knows she’s going to have to just accept it and put it behind them, but if she’s going to start somewhere she guesses it’s got to be with her mom.
Suddenly a bell precedes a woman over the loudspeaker and she makes an announcement, "Ladies and gentlemen, if you could all make your way back to your designated seats as we will shortly begin our descent into Orange County, thank you."
***
‘The man was who was in his late forties was quickly rushed to hospital where he died upon arrival.’
"The world sucks doesn’t it?" He said in a raspy voice, hollow, and emotionless.
"Excuse me?" Sarah asked bewildered as she came through the door, flinging her keys upon the side table and lazily kicking off her shoes.
"I mean, we’re all born, and if we’re lucky enough to not be murdered or have some life threatening disease and get to reach a ripe old age of say, eighty, we’re most likely to die alone in a house in which no one will find us of course for a good three weeks. The neighbors will start to notice your mail pile up and when finally someone does search your house they find you, they’ll take you in, hope that some family or friend will come in to claim knowing you. When that doesn’t happen they of course will just have a short and simple burial for you to make room for the next guy. The priest will say his final words and the caretaker will just stand there as your deteriorating body is taken into the ground where your remains will be finished off…" Ryan answers as he takes another swig of his beer.
Sarah’s forehead crinkled, continuing to look at him confused and completely confounded, "Wow…that was uh…graphic…I take it that’s your little soccer team of Budweisers talking…" She said referring once again to that ever growing pile of long-necks.
"What? This…this is nothing…"
"Right…" Sarah said eyeing him as she walked off in the direction of her room to get changed and return moments later in a tank top and shorts with her hair in a messy bun.
"Where’d you get back from anyway?" He enquired as she walked past him and into the kitchen bringing out another cold beer from the fridge for her to drink. "Oh good you can join me…"
"I had a short shift at work, a good few hours of old men tired of their wives trying to hit on the first thing with breasts that come their way…you’re right, life does suck…" She sighed as she took a seat on the couch adjacent to him. "Not only that…I bumped into Roy who conveniently forgot I worked there…"
"Yeah…what’d he want?" Ryan said as he flicked off the television with the remote and lay turned to lie down on the couch still with his Bud in hand.
"I don’t know…maybe he hasn’t been able to find anyone else to put up with his crap since we broke up…come to think it of it…doesn’t seem like I’ll find anyone else either…"
"You’ll find somebody…"
She shrugs him off, "What about you? We’ve got the rest of the day for you to tell me why you’re drowning yourself in beer and dark lighting…what’s your reason?"
***
"Marissa…" Julie slightly gasped as she saw her daughter standing by her doorstep.
"Hey…mom", she said softly as she kept her bags at her sides.
"Uh…hi…" she said weakly in return.
Julie was taken aback. It was quiet and only the waves in the background could be heard, they were at a standstill for a good few minutes, never breaking eye contact and almost as if they were trying to read each others’ thoughts. Both mother and daughter were rendered speechless, they didn’t know where to begin, what to say, how to feel; there just wasn’t enough time to be prepared, if you could have even been prepared.
Marissa could feel the tension in her head start to build up and the sight of her mother looking slightly worse than when she last saw her was causing her tears to ready themselves. After what was literally the longest time she just came out with the first thing that came to her, "I hate that you kept this from me…" Marissa exhaled softly as if that last breath just deflated the last of her energy.
Julie could only offer her a half smile and nodded, "I know…" she replied as she took a step back and grabbed one of Marissa’s carry-on luggage and invited her in.
She stepped inside and left her things by the entry way and Julie trailed of towards the kitchen and set the kettle to boil. Marissa walked in the same direction where they stood face to face at opposite ends of the counter.
"I’m still angry, I’m still hurt, and just after finding out that you’d been lying to me I find out that my closest friends in the world were keeping your secret too…" Marissa began. "This past month has been…tiring, and that’s an understatement. I’ve found myself not being able to talk to you, talk to Summer or Seth, talk to Ryan…and it kills me..."
"Marissa it wasn’t something I wanted you to find out from anyone else but me…"
"Or was it something you really didn’t want me to find out until it was too late…" Marissa took a deep breath trying so hard to keep her tears at bay for just a little bit longer. "You’re my family, you, Kaitlin, at the end of the day…you’re my family, we’re all we have left…and it would’ve been nice if you knew that you could depend on me, it would’ve been nice if you could’ve just put a little more trust in me; someone strong enough to help you get through this."
Marissa’s words struck Julie’s heart and she looked to her hands, seeing the fine lines and wrinkles that have formed through her years, she noticed they were pale, in need of a manicure, where not too far back she would have never let her fingernails get into such an unpolished state, and it made her think, "You know…I really don’t know…I don’t know how much time I have left, and I don’t blame you if you hate me for what I did or didn’t do, and maybe it was selfish and I just didn’t think enough before I acted upon it, but the idea of having to tell you or Kaitlin…I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to spend whatever time I had left watching you girls worry about me. I love and look forward to when you visit. We weren’t always on speaking terms…"
"God only knows how many deck chairs suffered because of it…" Marissa said with the tiniest hint of a smile trying to lighten the mood.
"So when you’d visit I enjoyed our talks, just the little things, your life now, getting a good education, having good friends around you, it’s all I ever wanted for you. When you’d tell me about the new people you meet, or having gotten back together with Ryan, after your trip to New York…you were…happy, and I just didn’t want to take that from you. I didn’t want things to change. I was afraid if I told you, you’d see me differently, you’d be too conscious of what was physically happening to me to be able to continue and enjoy your life. I mean I think the only reason you’re not yelling at me like I would’ve expected you to do is because something is wrong with me and you’d feel guilty."
"You still should’ve told me…I may have had to carry the thought of you dying wherever I went, but having to sacrifice for things and people you love just comes with the territory. You did it for me and I just needed you to have enough faith that I would’ve been okay doing it for you…I would’ve rather known for the longest time that, that day may be your last, than being blissfully ignorant until the very end and suddenly have it all come down…"
***
"So that’s how she found out…and now…now I don’t know, we’re on some sort of a break while she’s gone home to Newport for a week…" Ryan explained as he proceeded to stare at the ceiling and the alcohol’s effects slowly creeping in .
"You’re on a break?" Sarah enquired.
"Maybe, I really don’t know what to call it…It’s just been one big mess since she found out."
"Have you continued to try talking to her about it?
"She’s hasn’t really been one for talking, or anything else for that matter. Marissa just hasn’t been herself lately…she’s distant…she doesn’t really want to see me. Every time we do see each other we end up in awkward silences or an argument. I can’t blame her though…" He says regretfully as he goes back to reflecting upon what’s become of their relationship for weeks now.
"I don’t know, I mean stop me if I’m overstepping my mark here but…I think she should cut you and your friends a little slack, especially you. From what I hear, you were just trying to keep her from having to suffer through this whole thing and she’s kind of…just thrown it back in your face."
Ryan had to slightly struggle to get to his feet and lazily walked towards the refrigerator, "Marissa has been through a lot and I guess I feel…like its my responsibility to protect her, but I understood what she meant by needing me to see she’s capable of a lot…"
Sarah continued to listen as he came back and tapped her on the shoulder with the tip of another beer bottle before going back to sit in his place, "So…I mean, does that make you feel…I mean, how does it make you feel? That idea that she doesn’t really need you?" She said choosing her words almost insinuatingly.
Ryan was slightly taken aback as he barely even stopped to think that all this may be about her not needing him, and the thought of her not needing him at all, was something he hadn’t really fathomed beforehand. "I’m sure…that’s not what she’s really saying…" He said, more so to convince himself but now not really succeeding.
"I just kind of think Ryan that she failed to at least show some sort of gratitude that whatever you did only had her in mind…" She trailed off as Ryan sat on that thought for a good series of moments. "I mean I’m not an expert on relationships but from what you’ve told me, I think relationships need to be a two way street and you need to find a compromise somewhere in resolving mistakes you’ve made and not just put entirely on the shoulders of one person…"
"No…I mean…I see your point…" Ryan concluded.
***
The two Cooper women proceeded to be at a crossroads as they stood with the kitchen bench still the divider between them. Julie kept a grip on her warm cup of tea as if clutching something in her hand afforded her some sense of stability. "No matter how many times we go back and forth Marissa, no matter how many times I apologize, it is something I can never change…"
"You’re expecting me to move on and forget about it like it didn’t happen…" Marissa answered as she slid tiredly on one of the bench stools.
"Marissa…I’m not expecting you to forget, but I would hope that you’ll eventually be able to make a choice. You can accept what’s happened for what it is, deal with it and move on, or you can continue to be angry…at me, your friends…Ryan, or the world. But Marissa, the anger only stops you from living and I don’t want that for you, and I don’t want you to want it for yourself…" Julie explained as she felt her heart growing weary; emotionally or physically, it was hard to tell these days.
Marissa intertwined her two hands and faced downward as if in prayer. "Everything I have come to know for the past year has been all fabricated for me, and with everything I’ve just found out about you…I’m supposed to move on and get on with it, and suddenly just get used to the idea you’ve got something in you that may not let you see through a year from now. So what do you do? How do you even begin?" She asked openly. "Could you do what you’re now asking me to do?"
Julie just looked at her again stumped and looked to the swirling patterns created by the surface of her tea in a combination of liquid and light. It almost looked like a vortex, a place to enter and go back in time. When she thought of time she thought back to who she was at Marissa’s age and if she could do what she expects her daughter to do.
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
***
"Besides…what would I know…like I said, I’m going to end up all alone at the rate I’m going…" Sarah said almost inducing self pity.
"Sarah, I’ve told you over and over you’re not going to end up alone…" Ryan smiled.
Sarah shook her head, "You know today when Roy came in…as pathetic as this sounds…a really small part of me was hoping he was there to try and get back together with me…"
"I thought you said…"
"I lied…he came in with some woman…even he can find someone else…" She scoffs.
"Sarah I think you’re far better off alone than with that guy." Ryan said reassuringly.
"You think so?" She asked.
"Absolutely", he answered as he sat up and patted the spot right next to him for her to come over and she willingly obliged.
Making herself comfortable his arm was slung behind her and his rough fingertips barely touching her shoulders and she could feel a spark through her spine at his slightest touch. "I don’t know what’s wrong with me Ryan…I make all the wrong choices. I’ve dated all the wrong men. I somehow get myself in all sorts of situations and sometimes I think if it weren’t for you I don’t know where I’d be…" She said sweetly and took the opportunity to rest her head upon his shoulder and when he didn’t shrug her off she took it as a sign it would be okay to remain there.
"Sarah I don’t know how many times I have to tell you how beautiful you are and any man would be lucky to have you…" He said kissing atop of her head.
"Why can’t I just find someone caring and affectionate, understanding…someone like you…" She said softly as she looked up into his eyes and for the two of them that moment got lost in a haze and froze still.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
Their eyes connected and in their beings that sat vulnerable and inhabited by the alcohol Ryan looked down at her weary eyes and her into his saddened ones. Intoxicated and both thrown into a state of emotional instability they looked to each other and somehow saw a sense of understanding between them. He looked at her and saw a look of returned affection he hadn’t seen in weeks. Confused and not in a perfect frame of mind he looked downward upon her porcelain skin and her lips became a thing of admiration. He welcomed the comfort a woman beside him brought as the cold confrontations he’s had with Marissa had left him feeling rejected. Looking at Sarah with his arm draped across her shoulder she turned to better face him and her lips became an object of desire, unable to think straight his only thought in that second was what it would be like if he were to fuse his own with it. Like a sudden jolt they pressed forward inwardly to each other and the tension that had built up had closed in as they were no longer left to imagine and he found himself in returning Sarah’s physical embraces.
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
***
"If ever there was a next time…how do I know you’ll think better of me then?" Marissa asked painfully as her slight shakes of the head continued to show she didn’t have the answers and this matter, could it be so easily resolved…
Julie clutched her heart and began taking deep breaths. The life inside of her felt unstable and the room throbbed inwardly as it began to feel smaller and take away the air she was searching for. Using her other arm as support upon the counter she tried to keep herself upright as she panted sharp breaths as suddenly Marissa looked up wide eyed and panicked.
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
"Mom!" Marissa said as she got to her feet straight away and Julie slipped collapsing on the floor with Marissa a second too late to catch her; the cup of tea she clutched dispersed in shattered pieces on the floor as the liquid created an unstoppable trail within its radius.
***
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
Both feeling alone and suddenly enraptured in the ability to capture another’s affection, their breaths grew heavy as his lips would collide with hers mercilessly. The alcohol was taking their effect and turned their melded world into an alternate domain of euphoria. It was human nature to want and seek out warmth from another and after being thrown into the icy realities between him and Marissa, Sarah’s touch upon him was like a much needed blanket. He felt wanted, needed, and desired. Her fingers ran with passion now slowly snaking around his body as they turned to better position themselves in front of each other. Ryan’s being was torn into two, in a daze part of him knew something wasn’t right, but the other part could not be reprimanded and called to a halt and no sooner did he find himself peeling off her top and using his rough hands to grasp her slender and toned waist to pull her closer.
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
***
The urgency and the chaos around her, the sight of her mother on the stretcher needing so desperately to be fed oxygen, the afternoon quickly turned so dark and the situation before her a whirlwind speeding to fast she was soon to be caught in its vacuum. The red lights continued to spin and Marissa followed as her mother was taken into the ambulance, the oxygen mask and tubes networked and weaved around her, revealing how truly frail Julie was it had Marissa choked up at the image of her. The tears were creating a blur in her vision as she sat by her side as the ambulance officers tended to her she looked on helpless with a million things on her mind. Every second thought was hoping she was okay, every thought in between is all the things she would fix in her life if her mom were to pull through this. The ambulance pulled out onto the street and sped hastily for the hospital.
Lights will guide you home
***
The heat in the air grew thick and Ryan found himself tearing item after item off of Sarah’s body and flinging it to the floor. Laying beneath him in her underwear she took to work on removing the shirt upon his skin and was only wanting more after feeling the rippled surface of his torso. He hovered over her as they both now lay on the couch in a compromised position as they continued to explore each other’s mouths with their palettes. Still in this other universe they wanted more, he got to his feet and picked her up as she wrapped her legs around his waist and grasped her thighs and leaded her to the bedroom. She left soft kisses along his collarbone and tasted the sweat in the crook of his neck just before he threw her down and her on her back against the mattress. He climbed over her as she made fast work of the belt on his jeans and slid down the zipper increasingly heated and eager.
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
***
Julie’s stretcher was pushed quickly through the winding corridors as Marissa ran with tears in her eyes struggling to keep up. The cold lighting flooded the halls and in the sterility of it Marissa couldn’t feel more alone as she watched her mother being taken away further and further. She had made it to the end until a ward had told her not to go any further and as she saw her mom’s body being reeled in past a set of double doors she pushed past the nurses but disapprovingly restrained herself as she stood on her tip toes and watched through the small windows, a series of doctors working around her in frantic desperation. Her head felt light and she took a step back using her hands behind her to find something to hold onto until she found her fingers touching the solidity of the wall and slid down to the grown against it crying like there would be no tomorrow.
Tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I…
***
Ryan found himself doing the unthinkable when his and Sarah’s naked bodies collided in union in the darkness of the late afternoon. In ecstasy she left subtle marks on his back from clutching onto him tightly and each of his thrusts forced her to call out his name and though he could hear her he felt detached from his own body. The rise and fall of their hips together was an act of pure lust and even though he had an attractive woman beneath him for his pleasure it rather seemed almost as if his spirit watched his physical being make what could have possibly been one of the biggest mistakes of his life yet.
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I…
***
She lay awake with her eyes darkened from all her tears she cried as she now sat alone much later that night in the waiting room where she’d been for hours without any news about her mom, refusing to leave until they would come out to give her any. The lights were dimmed as visiting hours were long gone and only the nurses from the graveyard shift were out. Marissa kept her knees huddled and hadn’t even realized she’d been rocking back and forth in her seat endlessly as she shut her eyes and bowed her head to do the only thing she could think to do…pray.
***
It was now surely to be after midnight as Sarah continued to lay beside him with her back turned and facing the other way with their bodies still only wearing the sheets. They both fell asleep not long after what they had done but Ryan now lay awake alone with the throbbing pain in his head since then. His body could just break down at any moment, unable to see straight as the hangover had already started to settle. Though through all of which he couldn’t do because of what the alcohol was continuing to do to him, it felt like someone ordered him penance in which he was able to remember everything that he had just done within the past several hours. The unmistakable deed that was sure to end his relationship with the only girl he’s ever loved, unable to release to the searing pain from his head and haunting images of her from his mind.
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
Song / Fix You by Coldplay