welcome to a new kinda tension, all across the alien nation
A few quick things.
1) Two weekends ago I finally got a chance to go to Tallahassee (thanks Kristin). I was able to party a little, catch up, cavort, climb trees, outrun trains, play Mario Party and eat some HUNGRY HOWIES. I saw alot of the old gang, and it was an absolutely unforgettable time. I'm sad that I didn't get to see everyone, and for longer than just a few hours in some cases. It just makes me miss you guys (and by default my old NH friends) all that much more. In the words of MacArthur, "I shall return."
2) On Tuesday I found out, rather surprisingly, that I will be graduating (crossed fingers) at the end of Maymester. It was a surprise because I thought I had at least three more classes to take, when I actually only have more (thanks to my advisor, who rocketh). One more three-week class come May and I'll be done with this show. I think I'm going to stay around Athens until about December in hopes of making some money. Beyond that, who knows... and on that note, WHAT THE EFF AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE.
3) Psst. I'll tell you a secret if you promise not to tell anyone else.
I have learned nothing in college, and it's all my fault for treating it like a joke.
While my friends have been studying and absorbing and interning and writing and making progress towards real life by sharpening their talents and wits, I haven't. I have napped, gamed, slacked and daydreamed my way through university, majoring in passing tests and bullshitting papers. Of the amount of reading I've been assigned over the course of the last four years, I've probably only done 10% of it - including cramming the night before a paper or exam. I chose a major that I give less than half a damn about. It's really more of a hobby than anything, certainly not something I feel a "passion" for- but since I don't have any "passions" or "talent" I didn't really have alot to choose from. The funny thing is I haven't even done that bad, academically- but I feel like I have failed my friends, my parents and myself because all I've done is turn myself into some semblance of a moronic, phony smart-aleck. I could offer up a whole list of reasons why I've behaved this way, but it won't change the reality of the situation: I did this to myself.
At the worst moments I feel like I've wasted a great opportunity, even if I didn't choose it for myself. Maybe my inability to get over that last bit sent me into a four year vapor-lock, but that's hardly an excuse. As a result, I am (and will probably continue to be) deeply dissatisfied with my life. I will never bend to the will of another ever again, no matter how much they tell me they love me or how wise they seem. I will try to acutally learn from the rest of the semester, and I'll just have pin my hopes on a future in writing so that I don't end up poor, trapped, and alone.
Sorry for letting you guys down, but I can't apologize to myself, can I?
"you will never escape who you are by trying to drown yourself in who you think you want to be. you get to a point, and you're going to realize that you are you, and that much is never really different; you can change yourself only so much before the changes dont fit and you're not really you anymore. you break down then." -stellrtkd