When to lie
Sadly things end. Not all the time, sometimes happily ever after happens. But with me, well I dont get to have that. For the past two years of my life I have lied to myself, my parents and Chris. Every time I said I love you, I never meant it. Yes...I loved him, but I wasnt in love with him anymore. I still care about him as a person. But I just don't love him. He was not the guy I fell in love with anymore. He hit me, he was never around and was so unmotivated it drove me nuts. Every day for the past year after he cheated on me, I never trusted him. I looked though his phone, ipod, computer. Searched his facebook, myspace and emails. He was always talking to other girls. I was NEVER good enough. He lead them on telling them he loved them and would be with them, Sent them pics of him that he cropped me out of, naked pics and it drove me nuts. For a year i laid on my couch doing nothing, falling deeper into depression. Every night I went to bed alone wishing and praying I wouldnt wake up and the pain would stop.
I have been out of there for almost 3 months. I am doing better, i am on meds and in therapy now. But the scars are deep. I am so insecure. I still am very depressed and still so scared of love. I am so scared of hearing I love you and it be a lie. Im scared of ever having to say it and not mean it. Falling out of love is the worst thing i think i ever have dealt with. It hurts soul deep.
My soul has been saved. Keely is my soul mate. He has made at least that pain go away. It feels like a magnet. Me to him. I want nothing more then to be with him. Laying in his arms, kissing him, nuzzling. Breathing in his scent that fixes everything. Being in his strong safe arms. Things feel almost normal when im with him...but the second i leave, i lose it. I forget the feeling and im back to being scared and alone. The hurt is less. I know i am actually loved now. I can feel it even when im not with him, but old wounds still open and i get scared.
I cant get over how different being with him and being alone is. Even though we talk like all day and night, I want to be with him. No time with him is enough. I just wish we never had to be apart. I never get sick of him, i just want more and more. I love being with him, even if all were doing is napping. He deals so well with how sick i am. how tired i get. he never pushes me. If im tired he lets me sleep. If im sick we just snuggle. He never judges. He just cares. I am so not used to it. I dont get yelled at for sleeping all the time. Or being cranky or whining when my tummy hurts. He just holds me tighter. I truly have found my soul mate.
I have been out of there for almost 3 months. I am doing better, i am on meds and in therapy now. But the scars are deep. I am so insecure. I still am very depressed and still so scared of love. I am so scared of hearing I love you and it be a lie. Im scared of ever having to say it and not mean it. Falling out of love is the worst thing i think i ever have dealt with. It hurts soul deep.
My soul has been saved. Keely is my soul mate. He has made at least that pain go away. It feels like a magnet. Me to him. I want nothing more then to be with him. Laying in his arms, kissing him, nuzzling. Breathing in his scent that fixes everything. Being in his strong safe arms. Things feel almost normal when im with him...but the second i leave, i lose it. I forget the feeling and im back to being scared and alone. The hurt is less. I know i am actually loved now. I can feel it even when im not with him, but old wounds still open and i get scared.
I cant get over how different being with him and being alone is. Even though we talk like all day and night, I want to be with him. No time with him is enough. I just wish we never had to be apart. I never get sick of him, i just want more and more. I love being with him, even if all were doing is napping. He deals so well with how sick i am. how tired i get. he never pushes me. If im tired he lets me sleep. If im sick we just snuggle. He never judges. He just cares. I am so not used to it. I dont get yelled at for sleeping all the time. Or being cranky or whining when my tummy hurts. He just holds me tighter. I truly have found my soul mate.