Warning...Rant.
Okay well a lot has happened since i have last posted, and i need to vent or i might explode. I don't care if no one reads this but I have to get it out.
Well I guess first of all I want to say goodbye to a very close family friend, my old babysitter and my mother's good friend, Debbie, or Aunt Debbie as I used to call her. She passed away on the 16th. She had ovarian cancer and was put into hospice just a few weeks before. My mom wanted me to go see her, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was selfish, and i know that. I just couldn't see her like that. I wanted to remember the good times when I was a kid. Like how she used to tell me everything she fed me was chicken, only to be told years later it was normally fish. I used to sleep under the Christmas tree every year under the desk, she used to give me a pillow and blanket and during the Christmas party i would sleep there and nap time during the winter while the tree was up. I still make her Tuna Noodle Casserole, and still miss the swing outside. My dad reminded me how I used to ride the washer and dryer when I was little too. Funny the things we forget. I'm ashamed to say it, but before my mom told me she was in hospice, I hadn't thought about it at all. its been 10 years easy since I saw her. Weird how people just fall out of your life. *shrugs* Just feel bad about that. I wasn't going to go to the memorial thing, but her daughter asked for me so i felt like I had to. It was harder then I thought it would be. Guess it was good I went.
Anyway on anther note, I got my grades yesterday. And I have to wonder why the fuck I bother. I got an F, C and B-. The F I kinda knew about since the man posing as a teacher was such a douche. He was trying to teach a pop culture class using theories. He failed all my papers and was just horrible. I don't know why I even bothered going. Now the C is really whats pissing me off. On all of my labs I got 80 and higher and 3 of the 10 were 100's. On my test i got and 83 and a 79. I don't know what i got on the 3rd or final test. I have no idea how i did so bad. At midterms I had a B+ so I don't know how it dropped so much. I tried soo hard in that class. I studied a ton and did all the work, I even stayed after when I was lost and needed help. UGH so annoying. SO now my GPA is down under 1.0 so There is NO WAY i can graduate next semester. And now im short on credits. IM SO DONE. I hate putting in everything I have and get nothing out of it but a fucking headache. I don't have the money for more classes. And i really just dont give a fuck anymore. IM DONE. I cant get loans and I'm not asking for the money from my parents.
And I'm just tired of being here. I hate NY and the fact I'll never have my own house here, or more dogs. I hate the winter, Ive been so sick this year and I'm so tired all the time. I feel it happening again, I'm falling into depression. Stupid thought running though my mind again. I don't think i would do it anymore, but i miss it. I miss the void, the numbness. I hate it. I need to be happy again. I miss my friends. I need them. I miss steph and manda. they were the ones who helped me through and i need them. they were and are my rocks. but they have lives and seem to have moved on. i know i need to move on, im not in high school anymore. but FUCK i need it. I miss it so much. *wipes away tears* i just cant do it. not anymore. I'm done. *pauses* im tired of crying everyday. Im tired of being sick and lonely and bored. Im just so tired of it.
I know I need to move on, but I just don't know how.
Well I guess first of all I want to say goodbye to a very close family friend, my old babysitter and my mother's good friend, Debbie, or Aunt Debbie as I used to call her. She passed away on the 16th. She had ovarian cancer and was put into hospice just a few weeks before. My mom wanted me to go see her, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was selfish, and i know that. I just couldn't see her like that. I wanted to remember the good times when I was a kid. Like how she used to tell me everything she fed me was chicken, only to be told years later it was normally fish. I used to sleep under the Christmas tree every year under the desk, she used to give me a pillow and blanket and during the Christmas party i would sleep there and nap time during the winter while the tree was up. I still make her Tuna Noodle Casserole, and still miss the swing outside. My dad reminded me how I used to ride the washer and dryer when I was little too. Funny the things we forget. I'm ashamed to say it, but before my mom told me she was in hospice, I hadn't thought about it at all. its been 10 years easy since I saw her. Weird how people just fall out of your life. *shrugs* Just feel bad about that. I wasn't going to go to the memorial thing, but her daughter asked for me so i felt like I had to. It was harder then I thought it would be. Guess it was good I went.
Anyway on anther note, I got my grades yesterday. And I have to wonder why the fuck I bother. I got an F, C and B-. The F I kinda knew about since the man posing as a teacher was such a douche. He was trying to teach a pop culture class using theories. He failed all my papers and was just horrible. I don't know why I even bothered going. Now the C is really whats pissing me off. On all of my labs I got 80 and higher and 3 of the 10 were 100's. On my test i got and 83 and a 79. I don't know what i got on the 3rd or final test. I have no idea how i did so bad. At midterms I had a B+ so I don't know how it dropped so much. I tried soo hard in that class. I studied a ton and did all the work, I even stayed after when I was lost and needed help. UGH so annoying. SO now my GPA is down under 1.0 so There is NO WAY i can graduate next semester. And now im short on credits. IM SO DONE. I hate putting in everything I have and get nothing out of it but a fucking headache. I don't have the money for more classes. And i really just dont give a fuck anymore. IM DONE. I cant get loans and I'm not asking for the money from my parents.
And I'm just tired of being here. I hate NY and the fact I'll never have my own house here, or more dogs. I hate the winter, Ive been so sick this year and I'm so tired all the time. I feel it happening again, I'm falling into depression. Stupid thought running though my mind again. I don't think i would do it anymore, but i miss it. I miss the void, the numbness. I hate it. I need to be happy again. I miss my friends. I need them. I miss steph and manda. they were the ones who helped me through and i need them. they were and are my rocks. but they have lives and seem to have moved on. i know i need to move on, im not in high school anymore. but FUCK i need it. I miss it so much. *wipes away tears* i just cant do it. not anymore. I'm done. *pauses* im tired of crying everyday. Im tired of being sick and lonely and bored. Im just so tired of it.
I know I need to move on, but I just don't know how.