Something I feel you should know
This is just something I have been thinking about for a while and after this weekend I feel I should share it:
I finally have a more “Serious talk” with Teddy. I confessed to him about have BPD and what that means and how I have the habit of picking the wrong people to confide in because people like him and Kelli seem so…well perfect…that it is hard for me to tell them when I am sad.
For those of you who are just tuning in to this blog, I have BPD, or Bordering Personality Disorder. It is what is known as “Bio-Social Disease” meaning that some of it comes from my DNA and some of it is due to the outside world. Genetically I an hard wired to feel things more intensely. Something that on an 10 emotional scale puts you at a 3 put me at a 7 and it takes me a long time to get back to base line. Sometimes this is good, like when I am happy, but when I am sad, hurt, angry or anything else it is bad. If you don’t know that I have this a lot of people just think I am over reacting to a lot of thing. My entire life I have heard from people that, basically what I am feeling is “Wrong”. 20 years of this took a huge toll on my psyche and left me with bad self-esteem and a general hatred for myself and the inability to deal with my own emotions. It got very bad when I was living in new your and since I am feel very open and some of you may know this I started hurting myself. I was NOT I repeat NOT suicidal. I never wanted to kill myself although I said that a lot. It was the only way I felt I could express myself sometimes. Long story short right when I got to my worst I got help, got diagnosed and have been in therapy for a while learned how to deal with all of this and also trying to undo all of the damage that was inflicted by all the people who never understood.
I am saying this because I want to explain something. If I tell you that you wouldn’t or don’t understand how I feel, I am sorry but it is the truth. You can’t. I know everyone has experienced pain before, I am not saying my pain or anything is more or less then yours. But odds are what I feel is more “intense” and I don’t know if you could feel as sad as I do about the specific situation. I don’t think the thought of being 125 minutes late for work would send you in to a crazy freak out like it does for me and your reaction might be to tell me to “Calm down” or ask “what the big deal is”. That is why I say lot of people don’t understand. When I get in an extreme emotional state I am not logical or anything and it is very hard. I am not sure what I am writing all of this or why I will post it open to the public but I guess I am tiered of hiding. I am not saying my extreme anger or any emotions are an excuse for what I do and if I hurt or offend you I will apologies as soon as I can (if I don’t know I hurt you please tell me and I will apologies). I don’t see my disorder as an excuse, a reason, but not an excuse. I am trying and have been trying to learn to control it. But like a physical handicap it is something I will ALWAYS have to work with and around. Sometimes that means I need to take time to sort out what I am feeling and see if my reactions are justified or not, sometimes it means something else.
I guess I am asking if you call yourself my friend that you try and understand. I have had to many crappy friends in the past and I want to change that. I can have people be nice to me, I don't deserve people who take advantage of me.
I finally have a more “Serious talk” with Teddy. I confessed to him about have BPD and what that means and how I have the habit of picking the wrong people to confide in because people like him and Kelli seem so…well perfect…that it is hard for me to tell them when I am sad.
For those of you who are just tuning in to this blog, I have BPD, or Bordering Personality Disorder. It is what is known as “Bio-Social Disease” meaning that some of it comes from my DNA and some of it is due to the outside world. Genetically I an hard wired to feel things more intensely. Something that on an 10 emotional scale puts you at a 3 put me at a 7 and it takes me a long time to get back to base line. Sometimes this is good, like when I am happy, but when I am sad, hurt, angry or anything else it is bad. If you don’t know that I have this a lot of people just think I am over reacting to a lot of thing. My entire life I have heard from people that, basically what I am feeling is “Wrong”. 20 years of this took a huge toll on my psyche and left me with bad self-esteem and a general hatred for myself and the inability to deal with my own emotions. It got very bad when I was living in new your and since I am feel very open and some of you may know this I started hurting myself. I was NOT I repeat NOT suicidal. I never wanted to kill myself although I said that a lot. It was the only way I felt I could express myself sometimes. Long story short right when I got to my worst I got help, got diagnosed and have been in therapy for a while learned how to deal with all of this and also trying to undo all of the damage that was inflicted by all the people who never understood.
I am saying this because I want to explain something. If I tell you that you wouldn’t or don’t understand how I feel, I am sorry but it is the truth. You can’t. I know everyone has experienced pain before, I am not saying my pain or anything is more or less then yours. But odds are what I feel is more “intense” and I don’t know if you could feel as sad as I do about the specific situation. I don’t think the thought of being 125 minutes late for work would send you in to a crazy freak out like it does for me and your reaction might be to tell me to “Calm down” or ask “what the big deal is”. That is why I say lot of people don’t understand. When I get in an extreme emotional state I am not logical or anything and it is very hard. I am not sure what I am writing all of this or why I will post it open to the public but I guess I am tiered of hiding. I am not saying my extreme anger or any emotions are an excuse for what I do and if I hurt or offend you I will apologies as soon as I can (if I don’t know I hurt you please tell me and I will apologies). I don’t see my disorder as an excuse, a reason, but not an excuse. I am trying and have been trying to learn to control it. But like a physical handicap it is something I will ALWAYS have to work with and around. Sometimes that means I need to take time to sort out what I am feeling and see if my reactions are justified or not, sometimes it means something else.
I guess I am asking if you call yourself my friend that you try and understand. I have had to many crappy friends in the past and I want to change that. I can have people be nice to me, I don't deserve people who take advantage of me.