Paranoid
I have noticed I have become super paranoid lately. I find myself looking over my shoulder a lot and always jumping to the worst conclusion. No I am not thinking Ninjas are going to jump out and kill me or the CIA is going to take me away and do something horrible. I am just convinced everyone is judging me, what I eat, what I wear how I talk and that they all hate me. I have always done that to a small extent: I would not get certain food I wanted because of what people thought of me, I try and keep my voice down when I make calls to 511 at the bus stop trying to figure out when the bus is coming, but it is getting really bad now to the point where I have asked people to check my email for me and I am almost ready to ask them to listen to my voicemails. I am so convinced EVERYONE out there is going to yell at me over something I either didn’t do, didn’t mean to do, or didn’t realize was a big deal. I like to think I usually take responsibility for what I have done if it has hurt someone and I feel I almost apologies for it, particularly if someone tells me their feeling are hurt. Right now though, I have no clue what the hell is going on.
I realized how bad this was when the other day both my friend Brian and Lora called me and I was SURE they were both going to yell at me or tell me off. Lora called and said “so I talked to Risa about Swing Goth the other day…” and I was convinced they were BOTH mad at me and going to tell me that I sucked and they never wanted to talk to me again. And then Lora just made a joke and we laughed. Yes Thursday night I was a bit of a drunken (more tipsy) ass, but I was so in a FANTASTIC HAT! And more importantly: THIS IS LORA! My DBT buddy, the one person I know is not going to judge me, and here I was freaking out she was. That is when ti dawned on me I needed some help. And as the day progressed it just got worse. My dad left me a voicemail and I was SURE he was mad I was gone for a while with his car when he was just calling to tell me he and my mom were going to the movies so their phones would be off for a while. Brian just wanted to check in and say hi and I was sure he was going to ban me from ever coming to a swing goth event. Why? Because I had a few beers and kissed a lot of my friends and my shoe came off once when I tried a lift thing with him. That is all. As drinking nights go this one was NOT a big deal and I am here calling him with my heart racing thinking I am going to get chewed out and he hates me. I am pretty sure right now that I have a problem. OK, I admitted it. Step one
Now, if you are going to offer me advice I am going to ask that you PLEASE be careful how you phrase things because I am in a very emotional state right now and basically need you to walk on egg. Please refrain from saying things like: “well clearly you have a guilty conscious”. I need help on how to deal with this, not just a blanket statement about what is wrong with me. If you are going to play Dr. then you have to have a treatment AS WELL AS a diagnosis.
I realized how bad this was when the other day both my friend Brian and Lora called me and I was SURE they were both going to yell at me or tell me off. Lora called and said “so I talked to Risa about Swing Goth the other day…” and I was convinced they were BOTH mad at me and going to tell me that I sucked and they never wanted to talk to me again. And then Lora just made a joke and we laughed. Yes Thursday night I was a bit of a drunken (more tipsy) ass, but I was so in a FANTASTIC HAT! And more importantly: THIS IS LORA! My DBT buddy, the one person I know is not going to judge me, and here I was freaking out she was. That is when ti dawned on me I needed some help. And as the day progressed it just got worse. My dad left me a voicemail and I was SURE he was mad I was gone for a while with his car when he was just calling to tell me he and my mom were going to the movies so their phones would be off for a while. Brian just wanted to check in and say hi and I was sure he was going to ban me from ever coming to a swing goth event. Why? Because I had a few beers and kissed a lot of my friends and my shoe came off once when I tried a lift thing with him. That is all. As drinking nights go this one was NOT a big deal and I am here calling him with my heart racing thinking I am going to get chewed out and he hates me. I am pretty sure right now that I have a problem. OK, I admitted it. Step one
Now, if you are going to offer me advice I am going to ask that you PLEASE be careful how you phrase things because I am in a very emotional state right now and basically need you to walk on egg. Please refrain from saying things like: “well clearly you have a guilty conscious”. I need help on how to deal with this, not just a blanket statement about what is wrong with me. If you are going to play Dr. then you have to have a treatment AS WELL AS a diagnosis.