Oh what a foolish web we weave
Physical health: I am still sick. I have a very nasty cough that is leaving me very light headed and very horse. My throat doesn’t hurt I just sound weird. I feel a little weak but that could also be because I am a little depressed right now and I just want a fucking hug and a good cry. I might leave around 3:30...
Mental health: I am a big mess. I want to cry and scream and sleep and sob and I am not really sure why. I guess it is a mix of the fact that today was the first time I really hated my job. The first time I really wanted to quit. This just feel unorganized and I am feeling burnt out. I haven’t had a vacation when I got to do something fun in a very long time. All the day I have taken off have been to visit people that were not really my choice. I am just burnt out and upset. I am not sure what to do. I can’t recall feeling this way for a while. I have still not called back Dr. E or Dr. Alison to let them know my choice. I know I should but I just don’t want to. Some of that is I don’t want to have a closing session with Dr. E. I JUST DON”T. Don’t judge me…I have felt a lot more urges then I have in a long time. If you know me you know what I mean. It worries me a little…more then a little…a lot actually…a whole lot…
I might not be going to Gaskells or Rocky this weekend as I have my company retreat in Tahoe on Sunday and have to be on the road by like 7:30~8:00 am…WHY THE FUCK did I agree to drive?!?!?!?!?! I could have just not tried to help for once and slept the whole way there but as usual I had to agree to help out even though I am un appreciated and am sure this whole thing will be miserable. *kicks self too many times to count* Just everything is setting me off today, I am pissed when I open my email and see 20 emails from the Fezzie list and just want to scream back “I DON”T FUCKING CARE ABOUT THIS TOPIC” (no offence to ANY of the people who write those emails, I am 100% sure it is just me being an emotional basket case), I am pissed when my dad gets home before I leave the house to take the bus, I am pissed when the phone rings and people ask me any questions. I am just mad.
Back to Rocky/Gaskells: Ask I said I have to be on the road by 7:30~8:00 am so if I want to get any amount of reason able sleep I should probably skip both of them. Which makes me SUPER-PISSED because I have that new corset I have been meaning to debut. I want to start dancing more and I keep meaning to go but nothing ever seems to work. I know I was trying to arrange rides to FNW from some one near BART but it never worked out. I would like to try that again…I know there is a FNW this week…could someone meet me at a BART station and give me a ride home after? I can pay for gas. I am still not sure what I am going to do about this whole stupid Gaskells/Rocky issue….
15 days until I start school. 15DAYS!!!!! Dear god I can’t do this…I just can’t do this anymore…Please God…let me run away…