The little battles matter, too...
As a warning, this is a venting post. I need to vent, so I am just going to, and that is that. Summer has begun. To start, lets just clarify that I hate Summer with a passion. Although I guess the word "hate" is the easiest word to use to sum it up, realisticly its more like "fear," "dislike," "suffer through" and "worry about." Though I do hate being in this house, and I do hate the heat, more than anything I hate being lonely, and thats pretty much what it comes down too. I can't even pretend that I'm not lonely...so I'm not going to waste the energy pretending. On most days I can pretend to be a lot of things I'm not, and do pretend successfully if I may say so myself - but I can't pretend to not be lonely over the Summer...its just too draining.
I want a job. I would like to feel useful. I want to be busy, and not have time to think about being lonely, and at home. I would like someone to just give me a job. Every single person I know that has a job for the summer got it through their parents, through friends, through significant others - of course either I don't have the above listened, or they just don't care to help. So...I go from store to store, searching for "Now Hiring" signs and reading the classifieds in the local newspaper. It took me two monthes last Summer to get a job...I am quite disheartened already.
My roomate at school these past two years, also one of my best friends, won't be my roomate next semester, and he's rather fine with that. To be truthfully honest, he is too fine with that. He didn't give his deposit and register for a room when everyone was supposed to, so we'll both be getting new roomates next semester, and, again, he's fine with that. HE is. I told him that I cared, and that we could talk to someone and try to make something work out, but he said he really didn't want to bother, it really didn't mean anything to him...
...well, well...well F*** you very much, thanks. I'm glad you've valued our friendship as much as I have, and I'm so sorry you've had to put up with me these past two years. Sincerely, I am. I do doubt your next roomate will listen too you when you want to talk about your family, your life, your fears and your problems. I doubt he'll offer advice. I doubt he'll care at all. I doubt he'll make you hot chocolate when you're down - even though you did't ask for it. I doubt he'll think of you when he's out shopping for food or what not, and pick stuff up for you and never ask to be paid back. I doubt he'll stay in the room and keep you company when your other friends fail to invite you out on a Sat. night, even though he might have originally had his own plans to go out. I doubt...I doubt I'll be fine with this any time soon, that is what I doubt the most.
I missed Heroes on Monday night. I'm pissed - the end.
I play the Sims too much; they're not real. I drink too much Coca-Cola; its sweet, and helps my head-aches, but its making me sick and I can't seem to go a full day without it. I'm horribly thin; popsicle sticks are attracted to me, but they're only good for arts and crafts, and I already have enough of them, so thats not good...
But I can be positive. I haven't played the Sims in one week 4 days, and I haven't drank Coca-Cola in 3 days. I have also forced myself to eat SOMETHING at least three times a day since I have been home, and although "something" is very loose, ranging from a meal to a 100 Calorie Snack-Pack (usually the latter, but...) I have succeeded in that, too, and gained about a pound. The little battles matter, too...don't they? They just have to.
I want a job. I would like to feel useful. I want to be busy, and not have time to think about being lonely, and at home. I would like someone to just give me a job. Every single person I know that has a job for the summer got it through their parents, through friends, through significant others - of course either I don't have the above listened, or they just don't care to help. So...I go from store to store, searching for "Now Hiring" signs and reading the classifieds in the local newspaper. It took me two monthes last Summer to get a job...I am quite disheartened already.
My roomate at school these past two years, also one of my best friends, won't be my roomate next semester, and he's rather fine with that. To be truthfully honest, he is too fine with that. He didn't give his deposit and register for a room when everyone was supposed to, so we'll both be getting new roomates next semester, and, again, he's fine with that. HE is. I told him that I cared, and that we could talk to someone and try to make something work out, but he said he really didn't want to bother, it really didn't mean anything to him...
...well, well...well F*** you very much, thanks. I'm glad you've valued our friendship as much as I have, and I'm so sorry you've had to put up with me these past two years. Sincerely, I am. I do doubt your next roomate will listen too you when you want to talk about your family, your life, your fears and your problems. I doubt he'll offer advice. I doubt he'll care at all. I doubt he'll make you hot chocolate when you're down - even though you did't ask for it. I doubt he'll think of you when he's out shopping for food or what not, and pick stuff up for you and never ask to be paid back. I doubt he'll stay in the room and keep you company when your other friends fail to invite you out on a Sat. night, even though he might have originally had his own plans to go out. I doubt...I doubt I'll be fine with this any time soon, that is what I doubt the most.
I missed Heroes on Monday night. I'm pissed - the end.
I play the Sims too much; they're not real. I drink too much Coca-Cola; its sweet, and helps my head-aches, but its making me sick and I can't seem to go a full day without it. I'm horribly thin; popsicle sticks are attracted to me, but they're only good for arts and crafts, and I already have enough of them, so thats not good...
But I can be positive. I haven't played the Sims in one week 4 days, and I haven't drank Coca-Cola in 3 days. I have also forced myself to eat SOMETHING at least three times a day since I have been home, and although "something" is very loose, ranging from a meal to a 100 Calorie Snack-Pack (usually the latter, but...) I have succeeded in that, too, and gained about a pound. The little battles matter, too...don't they? They just have to.