Hate Week
I've got a lot of pent up hatred. And I'm going to take it out on you. But I'm not selfish enough to make you all the target of my rage without letting you have a laugh at my expense - hell, having a laugh at my expense is what most of you do behind my back anyway. It's what I'm good at, venting all my inner demons at a select person / thing, as if they were the original source of everything wrong with me. Deep down I know that's not the case, as I've been a fucked up little puppy almost from birth. Even these past few years feel like they've been one big lie. I've earned a degree, worked on a paid project, held down a full-time job, and through it all I think I appeared to most people who know me to have mellowed out considerably. So I've been telling myself "wow, I've really straightened out! I deserve a pat on the back!". But you know what? No. Not even close. I've been wearing a disguise, albeit one that fits so well that even I was decieved. Until one person came along, ripped my mask right off and showed me how vulnerable I still was. They saw the monster that I really am. And as the monster twitched and writhed about on the floor, begging them to believe that he really was the person they loved, his hideous moans only further scared them away.
I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate the world. And as long as that was true, my relationship with them was going to be shaky. It would only be a matter of time before they'd feel my wrath, and I would hurt them so bad that they wouldn't be able to love me any more. And you know what did it? It was simple. Making them believe [i]I[/i] no longer loved them. It was a desperate, spiteful attempt to make them feel the pain they made me feel -- and it worked all too well. I quickly realized what I had done and tried desperately to repair the damage, but this ship was going down, and fast. And everything I tried to do to patch the hole - from telling them I had no reason to live without them - only made it bigger.
We later tried to be civil with each other. I suggested we try being "acquaintances". Again, it only furthered the extent of the damage I had caused. It reinforced my previous insistance that I didn't love them (I said it twice, for good measure) in their mind, and since it forced me to hide the truth, that I [i]do[/i] love them, it only made things more strained for me, causing me to keep lashing out.
I'm still holding out hope that they'll find it within themselves to love me again. They told me they just need time, and space. As hard as it's going to be for me not to check on them, I'm going to do my damndest to respect their wishes - until I have a damn good reason to contact them. That's where "Hate Week" comes in to this.
If this person hits me up one day like "I miss you and love you and want to talk to you again", and I'm still the same miserable piece of shit I am right now, I'll only end up pushing them away again. I've got to do something, and that something is beat the holy hell out of my hate. I've been making them a victim of [b]my[/b] problems, and it's wrong. So here's what I propose to do:
[u]Hate Week[/u]
I'm going to pick a week's worth of things that inspire my rage, and take a few days to brood over them while I get the materials ready. When everything's ready, I'll "unleash the beast" so to speak, and maul the shit out of that subject. I'm going to let the monster get its fill, before I kill it. Ladies and gentlement, you're going to see bigotry the likes of which gets people fired from their jobs - which is good because mine ends tomorrow and is going to be one of my talking points. So without further adue, here's the tentative schedule for hate week:
Day 1: My love interest (I'm sorry, but it [i]has[/i] to be addressed. I may as well get it out of the way)
Day 2: My job. One really small issue here, but one BIG gripe
Day 3: My surroundings. If you know me at all, this one is obvious
Day 4: Current world affairs. Take a wild guess
Day 5: TerrorWolf's mouth.
Day 6: Were Community drama. Werewolf.Com, you're next!
Day 7: Making sense of it all - where I try to come to an understanding with myself and kill the demon that is me.
So there you have it. All I can hope for is that by the time this is over, I'll be a better person for it. Said person certainly deserves better from me.
I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate the world. And as long as that was true, my relationship with them was going to be shaky. It would only be a matter of time before they'd feel my wrath, and I would hurt them so bad that they wouldn't be able to love me any more. And you know what did it? It was simple. Making them believe [i]I[/i] no longer loved them. It was a desperate, spiteful attempt to make them feel the pain they made me feel -- and it worked all too well. I quickly realized what I had done and tried desperately to repair the damage, but this ship was going down, and fast. And everything I tried to do to patch the hole - from telling them I had no reason to live without them - only made it bigger.
We later tried to be civil with each other. I suggested we try being "acquaintances". Again, it only furthered the extent of the damage I had caused. It reinforced my previous insistance that I didn't love them (I said it twice, for good measure) in their mind, and since it forced me to hide the truth, that I [i]do[/i] love them, it only made things more strained for me, causing me to keep lashing out.
I'm still holding out hope that they'll find it within themselves to love me again. They told me they just need time, and space. As hard as it's going to be for me not to check on them, I'm going to do my damndest to respect their wishes - until I have a damn good reason to contact them. That's where "Hate Week" comes in to this.
If this person hits me up one day like "I miss you and love you and want to talk to you again", and I'm still the same miserable piece of shit I am right now, I'll only end up pushing them away again. I've got to do something, and that something is beat the holy hell out of my hate. I've been making them a victim of [b]my[/b] problems, and it's wrong. So here's what I propose to do:
[u]Hate Week[/u]
I'm going to pick a week's worth of things that inspire my rage, and take a few days to brood over them while I get the materials ready. When everything's ready, I'll "unleash the beast" so to speak, and maul the shit out of that subject. I'm going to let the monster get its fill, before I kill it. Ladies and gentlement, you're going to see bigotry the likes of which gets people fired from their jobs - which is good because mine ends tomorrow and is going to be one of my talking points. So without further adue, here's the tentative schedule for hate week:
Day 1: My love interest (I'm sorry, but it [i]has[/i] to be addressed. I may as well get it out of the way)
Day 2: My job. One really small issue here, but one BIG gripe
Day 3: My surroundings. If you know me at all, this one is obvious
Day 4: Current world affairs. Take a wild guess
Day 5: TerrorWolf's mouth.
Day 6: Were Community drama. Werewolf.Com, you're next!
Day 7: Making sense of it all - where I try to come to an understanding with myself and kill the demon that is me.
So there you have it. All I can hope for is that by the time this is over, I'll be a better person for it. Said person certainly deserves better from me.