(no subject)
This semester broke me.
I don't really know how or where it began, but it obviously did. It started when I couldn't sleep, then couldn't *not* sleep. It ended a few weeks after I decided to give up on everything I could, step back, and go into counseling.
From this mess, I've been rendered low and weak. Or maybe I wasn't so much rendered to that state as I dove deep enough into those dark places in my person to see that. Either way, it doesn't matter too much- what matters is that I see, and know, and understand.
This weakness, this lowness, however, isn't weak and low. Coming up from this darkness, this bitter and lonely place, I feel strangely content and renewed. People spend their lives trying to reach, like some Icarian zealot, lives and goals they weren't meant for. As a sagely anthropomorphic ursine once said, "A fish can't whistle, and neither can I". I've come to know what I can handle in terms of obligations (Both mentally and physically), and thank goodness it was in a space that is relatively safe. My only hope is that I use what I've come to know appropriately.
At the very least, I feel more relaxed in general.
"And the street corners are gnashing together like the gears inside the head of some omniscient engineer"
I don't really know how or where it began, but it obviously did. It started when I couldn't sleep, then couldn't *not* sleep. It ended a few weeks after I decided to give up on everything I could, step back, and go into counseling.
From this mess, I've been rendered low and weak. Or maybe I wasn't so much rendered to that state as I dove deep enough into those dark places in my person to see that. Either way, it doesn't matter too much- what matters is that I see, and know, and understand.
This weakness, this lowness, however, isn't weak and low. Coming up from this darkness, this bitter and lonely place, I feel strangely content and renewed. People spend their lives trying to reach, like some Icarian zealot, lives and goals they weren't meant for. As a sagely anthropomorphic ursine once said, "A fish can't whistle, and neither can I". I've come to know what I can handle in terms of obligations (Both mentally and physically), and thank goodness it was in a space that is relatively safe. My only hope is that I use what I've come to know appropriately.
At the very least, I feel more relaxed in general.
"And the street corners are gnashing together like the gears inside the head of some omniscient engineer"