(no subject)
I often think about just what power means to me. Since I was young, I always was into the concept of being the dominant one- the one in control of the situations, the one ahead of the game. The idea was to be Caesar, or at the very least the one telling him what to do when it came down to it. It's not surprising at all, then, that this manifested in all sorts of ways; from looking for a high end college to attend to looking for someone to dominate in a relationship, it was part and parcel to who I was (and one would assume who I am currently, due to prior decisions).
As of the past three years, though, this has changed. I didn't really notice it until tonight, until I thought about the distance between then and now, the things done and the decisions made. I don't feel like I am who I once was anymore, and I'm going to try to follow it as best as I can.
I used to think that one had to be powerful to invoke change in the world. Immaculate and overbearing, larger than life and even more drastic than the task at hand. Brutal in discourse, and terrifying in stature. Through adopting the aforementioned form, one could rip the world apart and get what is inside- what, obviously, belongs to you and you alone. To not back down from a damn thing, to never heed the warnings, and to go straight through with what is going on. Control was the goal, and in order to have it one had to crush everything that stood against you. Starting with the people who thought themselves to be on the top of the food chain. Break the strongest, and you become the strongest. And then, after destroying these people, changing things for the best.
What happens, then, if you actually change for the best?
It seems that even more in these past years I've sought to become nothing, or perhaps started down that path enough to see the forest. Composed and refined, sure in the course and steady at the helm. Understanding of the nature of the beast, due to being a part of the beast. The brutality and terror wash away and are replaced by honesty and understanding. To never need to search for what you desire, because you already had it all along- something that can never be ripped away, trampled on, or consumed. To realize rigidity can be beaten, to revere the ones before who took up this discourse in an attempt to pray for our safety as we combat a disease of dis-thought, and to take whatever path suits the direction you seek to go- realizing that it's often less trouble to walk around than to crash through. Control is an illusion, and home must be sacrificed in order to obtain it. And in sacrificing home, one sacrifices one's self needlessly- becoming a shadow of their former selves, they seek calculative tasks by which to justify their existence. To break the strongest means nothing- to raise the meek and passed-over would be a better goal. And in that goal, one finds nothing aside from warmth.
In being home, one need never change- the real aspects of a person comes forth, and works to be everything one would ever need. One need never fight against the tide, because they are the tide. The storm and the fury all balanced by a smile and a shrug. In being home, one realizes every event prior to now leads to now, and this moment will lead to more. One need never rush, and one need never fret. To be home is to be connected to everything, including nothing. To realize the weight of our words, but acknowledge the distance of the semicolon. To connect. Earnestly.
As of late I seek to be only who I am, and in that I find myself with a need to aid those around me. A subtle pressing against my heart to work towards enriching what little I can, in my time. And, luck being with me, to enrich more than I expect. Not for fame, or God, or anything as serious and righteous as that. Simply because it's what I want, and what I think is right. It seems as though, perhaps, my aim never changed. At one point I sought to be the ground that held people up, and today it's no different. The methods are different, and in the end they are methods I encompass as opposed to being the methods I saw available to me originally. Maybe this is the frightening clarity that comes with time.
This is not to say, however, that I've become a bastion of kindness and love. I am well aware of my pointless anger over situations, the utter rage and hatred I possess, and the depths I go to to be who I am. I can be vile. I am not an all-giver, and I don't pull punches. I react such that I might never regret. I have done horrible things to people in the course of my life, and I will probably do more in time. In mending some wounds, I inflict others. The fury and the storm, as well as the smile and the shrug.
And this isn't to say I've reached some sort of freakish state of enlightenment. I've peered into a deep pool, and somehow saw the glimmer at the bottom. I will probably never truly step out of my preconceptions and unnatural trappings, but my self demands I try. "Nosce te ipsum" as a maxim is so very fitting at this point.
Tonight's gaze into the void was brought to you by fantastically poppy Japanese music on repeat, pro-anorexia forums, the letter Q (Which, sadly, was never used in this post up until now), and the number 4. As in 4am. Which has slowly and surely turned into 5am. Fuck. At least this summer break has been great, and at least it should continue to be great. I haven't had this much time to just disengage in a while. It's leading to interesting places, and I hope it allows me to better move along in the manner I intend to.
G'night, world.
As of the past three years, though, this has changed. I didn't really notice it until tonight, until I thought about the distance between then and now, the things done and the decisions made. I don't feel like I am who I once was anymore, and I'm going to try to follow it as best as I can.
I used to think that one had to be powerful to invoke change in the world. Immaculate and overbearing, larger than life and even more drastic than the task at hand. Brutal in discourse, and terrifying in stature. Through adopting the aforementioned form, one could rip the world apart and get what is inside- what, obviously, belongs to you and you alone. To not back down from a damn thing, to never heed the warnings, and to go straight through with what is going on. Control was the goal, and in order to have it one had to crush everything that stood against you. Starting with the people who thought themselves to be on the top of the food chain. Break the strongest, and you become the strongest. And then, after destroying these people, changing things for the best.
What happens, then, if you actually change for the best?
It seems that even more in these past years I've sought to become nothing, or perhaps started down that path enough to see the forest. Composed and refined, sure in the course and steady at the helm. Understanding of the nature of the beast, due to being a part of the beast. The brutality and terror wash away and are replaced by honesty and understanding. To never need to search for what you desire, because you already had it all along- something that can never be ripped away, trampled on, or consumed. To realize rigidity can be beaten, to revere the ones before who took up this discourse in an attempt to pray for our safety as we combat a disease of dis-thought, and to take whatever path suits the direction you seek to go- realizing that it's often less trouble to walk around than to crash through. Control is an illusion, and home must be sacrificed in order to obtain it. And in sacrificing home, one sacrifices one's self needlessly- becoming a shadow of their former selves, they seek calculative tasks by which to justify their existence. To break the strongest means nothing- to raise the meek and passed-over would be a better goal. And in that goal, one finds nothing aside from warmth.
In being home, one need never change- the real aspects of a person comes forth, and works to be everything one would ever need. One need never fight against the tide, because they are the tide. The storm and the fury all balanced by a smile and a shrug. In being home, one realizes every event prior to now leads to now, and this moment will lead to more. One need never rush, and one need never fret. To be home is to be connected to everything, including nothing. To realize the weight of our words, but acknowledge the distance of the semicolon. To connect. Earnestly.
As of late I seek to be only who I am, and in that I find myself with a need to aid those around me. A subtle pressing against my heart to work towards enriching what little I can, in my time. And, luck being with me, to enrich more than I expect. Not for fame, or God, or anything as serious and righteous as that. Simply because it's what I want, and what I think is right. It seems as though, perhaps, my aim never changed. At one point I sought to be the ground that held people up, and today it's no different. The methods are different, and in the end they are methods I encompass as opposed to being the methods I saw available to me originally. Maybe this is the frightening clarity that comes with time.
This is not to say, however, that I've become a bastion of kindness and love. I am well aware of my pointless anger over situations, the utter rage and hatred I possess, and the depths I go to to be who I am. I can be vile. I am not an all-giver, and I don't pull punches. I react such that I might never regret. I have done horrible things to people in the course of my life, and I will probably do more in time. In mending some wounds, I inflict others. The fury and the storm, as well as the smile and the shrug.
And this isn't to say I've reached some sort of freakish state of enlightenment. I've peered into a deep pool, and somehow saw the glimmer at the bottom. I will probably never truly step out of my preconceptions and unnatural trappings, but my self demands I try. "Nosce te ipsum" as a maxim is so very fitting at this point.
Tonight's gaze into the void was brought to you by fantastically poppy Japanese music on repeat, pro-anorexia forums, the letter Q (Which, sadly, was never used in this post up until now), and the number 4. As in 4am. Which has slowly and surely turned into 5am. Fuck. At least this summer break has been great, and at least it should continue to be great. I haven't had this much time to just disengage in a while. It's leading to interesting places, and I hope it allows me to better move along in the manner I intend to.
G'night, world.