Anxiety about The Spotlight
I'm sure this is obvious to anyone who actually knows me.
I rarely want to be in the forefront, because every time I'm there I say or do things that are embarrassing to me, and being the oldest child doesn't help. Okay, my family loves me and cares for me no matter how much of a doofus I am, but the same can't be said about the public at large. In the spotlight I can always be depended upon to put my foot in my mouth eventually, or at least that's how it's been historically.
I want to find a nice, quiet job where I can be happy and fit in, but in the US you are expected to toot your own horn just to get a job, and then you are expected to toot your own horn some more to get ahead after seeking out positions of authority... it's all the things I specifically don't want. Doesn't being in a position of authority place you in the spotlight a great deal?
If I don't go corporate, it's even more important to toot my own horn, simply because exposure seems to equate with jobs and payment. For me, fame equates to stupid slips of the tongue, and misremembering facts that I am then always remembered for. It's like I'm a fairly smart and semi-rational person until the spotlight gets on me, and then I am transformed into Dan Quayle, and I don't seem to have any control over it.
Avoiding the spotlight seems the only logical thing to do, since I don't enjoy acting like an idiot in public. Yet in the business of making money, I don't see an alternative.
Avoidance of fame seems to have been traumatic enough that it has become a button... I instinctively avoid it. When I see someone else get onstage, I expect them to say something which embarrasses them, and frankly, I don't really want to watch someone else get traumatized like that. That's why I can't watch sitcoms or most TV shows these days without getting up and leaving the room... I only seem to be able to anticipate embarrassment for the person in the forefront, and I find I empathize with the person embarrassing themselves. Watching the Olympics is right out.
There are exceptions, of course. I can watch shows which are tightly edited, or which are about some specific topic, where there is no-one in the spotlight, since bad takes and embarrassment are edited out. Radio doesn't bother me at all, unless a person who is not a broadcaster is included. This is why I don't watch or listen to political speeches or commentary.
Likewise, people who willingly seek out the spotlight puzzle me. They seem so calm about it, there's no pressure in it for them. I don't understand how they can be so calm, or why they seek out fame.
I don't know what to do about this.