When you have nothing left, I'll still love you.

Oct 09, 2007 15:36

i miss her alot, alot. i'm trying so hard not to. but i suck at this. i suck at losing someone. i'm crying, and i hate crying. i'm in my emo mood. i'm worried about a million different people right now and i miss megan. i miss being her friend, but i'm positive that it's over. we won't talk again. it's unfortunate, but i guess i'm going to have to get used to the unfortunate factor in life. i'm worried about kaitlyn, i wish i could go to arizona and be there for her all the time, but i really can't. and i feel helpless. she'll tell me she's fine but i just don't know. i can't lose that girl, i really can't !

i'm also worried about jamie. she told me last night it'd be no big deal if she killed herself. and that if it happened she wouldn't want to be stopped. why do i always have friends that are sad? that is not an insult, i adore my friends more than anything in the world, but uuughh. it gets really hard to hear that so often. i really adore that girl, she gets what i'm going through. you can't talk to many people about depression and the you behind the smiles and shit. but i can with her and it's nice. i think she needs someone and i'd love to be there for her, but i don't think she wants it. or she's scared to let someone in. i'm just really worried, i hope she's doing alright. because i've gotten to know her and now i care, a lot. i don't want to lose her either.

i think i should start taking my medication again. i hate being medicated, but i think i have to do it. i have not been well lately and i can't deal with not being content as well as school, friends issues, and work. it's just like an overload, i'll break. and then i'll come crashing down and end up talking about suicide again or end up back in the hospital. neither are something i'm really looking forward to, so i think the meds is my only rational choice. i can deal with being fake for awhile if it keeps me content while i'm taking on a heavy load. i don't need ecstatic or happy, just content. that's all i ask. i would hate to be happy all the time, or act happy all the time. that's just rediculous. everyone gets down and if you say you don't, you're wrong. or you're lying. that's just how it is. so fess up.

i have to go work consession at kayli's basketball game. hopefully only from like 4-5 and then i'll probably end up leaving and coming home to study for my history test and work on other homework, then i'd like to get to bed early. for the last two nights i've stayed up way late. last night i stayed up until 1:30 talking to jamie, but it was nice. because i actually went to bed feeling okay. and that doesn't happen often. you rarely meet people that can make you feel okay for awhile, s it's nice. i like her and i hope we become good friends. i really don't want to see something bad happen to her, because it would hurt a lot of people and i know i wouldn't be okay for awhile.

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