(no subject)
Honestly, I'm sooo lost right now..
I don't feel like I fit in ANYWHERE anymore & I only have one friend I can trust at this point.
I've been dealing with a bunch heartless bastards the last few weeks..
You know, the people you spill your guts to & they just don't give two shits.
Hahahaha its funny actually cause one of them was supposed to my "best friend" hahahahhaha!
I'm so tired of getting hurt and wearing my heart on my sleeve dude I can't take it anymore.
I feel like I'm constantly being shot down by everyone I know & even people I've just met lol.
Like I must be a really fucked up person or something or completely hideous and I just scare people away I guess?
I really don't know, but I definitly want answers..
I wanna know why almost all of the friends I get close to let me down.
I wanna know why I haven't had a boyfriend in three years & no guy has taken any interest in me besides wanting to get in my pants.
I wanna know why everytime I go out with chelsea or I'm at work with her, guys notice her and never notice me.
& I wanna know why Jordan, Bri & Chelsea, three beautiful intellegent girls, settle for way less then they deserve and put up with bullshit because their "in love"
HA! who even knows what love is anyways? All I know is love isn't physically & mentally abusing someone.
Love isn't wearing someone down to the point where they give up on themselves.
Love isn't cheating on someone & thinking its okay.
& most of all, LOVE ISN'T LETTING SOMEONE BACK INTO YOUR LIFE AFTER HE HAS MENTALLY & PHYSICALLY ABUSED YOU & FUCKING CHEATED ON YOU.
lol but what do I know right? I mean guys don't even go near me anymore & I havent been in a relationship for almost three years, so I don't know shit right?
I mean lets just forget the fact that I was in a relationship with someone for TWO YEARS and he didn't appreciate me & he didn't respect me and I kept going back to him anyways..
& over & over again I let this person fuck me over and take control of me & my heart, until I wised up and realized shit would NEVER change.
But yet, I don't anything about relationships or love being blind hahahahah IM LIVING FUCKING PROOF YOU GOD DAMN IDIOTS.
You know what the funny thing is though? Those three girls have probably the worst relationships I've ever witnessed, yet they still make me feel sooo horrible about myself.
Why? hahha I really couldnt tell you.
I mean I know I would never settle for less & I know I would NEVER I repeat NEVER make the same mistakes that they have.
and I know I would be an amazing fucking girlfriend to any guy who was worth my time.
Yet I'm the one without a boyfriend for three years & I'm the one who doesnt get noticed EVER.
I'm not a player & I sure as hell don't play games.. I don't break hearts over & over again(unlike someone I know)
I just love someone unconditionally and stay true to them, end of story.
Still I cant quite figure why I'm the one left in the dust.
Is it jealousy I'm feeling right now? hahahahah idk maybe?
Honestly, I just feel alone ALL ALONE DUDE AND IVE FELT THIS WAY FOR SOOO LONG NOW ITS BEEN DRIVING ME CRAZY.
& no matter how hard I try to not feel this way, the feeling NEVER goes away.
The only person who can even remotely understand how I feel is stephen.
I mean stephen and I have made ALOT of mistakes in our lives and we are no saints, trust me.
But if any two people deserve happiness and love, its me and him.
We are the only people I know who have actually had to be on there own and without someone to loves us and keep us warm at night.
I mean we've only been able to depend on our families and our so called "friends"
& quite honestly, we've done just fine up until this point.
& I believe the only reason we have been fine is because we've had each other to get through it all.
& were gonna continue to stick together the next few weeks, months, years even that we remain alone..
Stephen and I have literally been THROUGH HELL AND BACK MULTIPLE TIMES.
I've hurt him & hes definitly hurt me.
I've let him down & hes definitly let me down.
But we are still here today fighting for our friendship against all odds, & that means something to me.
He may be a dissapointment in other peoples eyes, but to me hes an amazing fucking person who has ALWAYS put me first and never once gave up on me when the going got tough..
& for that, I trust him with my fucking life!
There's just so many mixed emotions I feel right now & it's honestly taking a HUGE toll on me..
hahahah but no one will ever know this, cept stephen, cause no one bothers to ask "hey chelsea how have you been doing lately? is everything ok?"
I MIGHT ACT LIKE A HEARTLESS BITCH AND LIKE I DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYONE, BUT I HAVE A HUGE FUCKING HEART AND PLENTY OF LOVE TO GO AROUND.
JUST ONCE ID LIKE A FRIEND WHO IS THE SAME WAY AND TRUELY SHOWS ME THEY CARE ABOUT ME NO MATTER WHAT.
Chelsea Dueno, your last person I thought would ever dissapoint me , but you have..
You've made me doubt you sooo much and thats something I NEVER thought I could do.
Since I first met you, I saw a strong and independent girl who didn't take shit from ANYONE, especially a fucking guy.
& now I really don't know what I see..
& I HATE FEELING THIS WAY ABOUT YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH AND I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
its just really hard for me to be apart of your life right now when your making choices I strongly disagree with..
& its pretty obvious nothings gonna change for awhile which makes this even harder on me.
Having said that, I hope Dillon proves me wrong and does right by you & I hope you are truely happy with him cause I want nothing but happiness for you.
& even though I love you deeply and you will always be one of my bestfriends, I think until this Dillon thing has passed, maybe some time apart would be best..
I mean I don't know if that'll even last because I love spending time with you, its just soo hard with dillon in the picture.
Ah I don't even know what I'm saying anymore..
I just need you to think of me in this situation, not dillon.
I need you to be my friend through this & I don't really feel like you have been.
I need us to get through this cause I need you in my life, but my feelings towards him WONT change.
I've tried to make things right & it didnt work and I've tried to feel differently about him, but I cant.
So where we end up is really up to you now..
I hope this whole entry has given you a better understanding on how I feel.
Until next time livejournal, so long.
I don't feel like I fit in ANYWHERE anymore & I only have one friend I can trust at this point.
I've been dealing with a bunch heartless bastards the last few weeks..
You know, the people you spill your guts to & they just don't give two shits.
Hahahaha its funny actually cause one of them was supposed to my "best friend" hahahahhaha!
I'm so tired of getting hurt and wearing my heart on my sleeve dude I can't take it anymore.
I feel like I'm constantly being shot down by everyone I know & even people I've just met lol.
Like I must be a really fucked up person or something or completely hideous and I just scare people away I guess?
I really don't know, but I definitly want answers..
I wanna know why almost all of the friends I get close to let me down.
I wanna know why I haven't had a boyfriend in three years & no guy has taken any interest in me besides wanting to get in my pants.
I wanna know why everytime I go out with chelsea or I'm at work with her, guys notice her and never notice me.
& I wanna know why Jordan, Bri & Chelsea, three beautiful intellegent girls, settle for way less then they deserve and put up with bullshit because their "in love"
HA! who even knows what love is anyways? All I know is love isn't physically & mentally abusing someone.
Love isn't wearing someone down to the point where they give up on themselves.
Love isn't cheating on someone & thinking its okay.
& most of all, LOVE ISN'T LETTING SOMEONE BACK INTO YOUR LIFE AFTER HE HAS MENTALLY & PHYSICALLY ABUSED YOU & FUCKING CHEATED ON YOU.
lol but what do I know right? I mean guys don't even go near me anymore & I havent been in a relationship for almost three years, so I don't know shit right?
I mean lets just forget the fact that I was in a relationship with someone for TWO YEARS and he didn't appreciate me & he didn't respect me and I kept going back to him anyways..
& over & over again I let this person fuck me over and take control of me & my heart, until I wised up and realized shit would NEVER change.
But yet, I don't anything about relationships or love being blind hahahahah IM LIVING FUCKING PROOF YOU GOD DAMN IDIOTS.
You know what the funny thing is though? Those three girls have probably the worst relationships I've ever witnessed, yet they still make me feel sooo horrible about myself.
Why? hahha I really couldnt tell you.
I mean I know I would never settle for less & I know I would NEVER I repeat NEVER make the same mistakes that they have.
and I know I would be an amazing fucking girlfriend to any guy who was worth my time.
Yet I'm the one without a boyfriend for three years & I'm the one who doesnt get noticed EVER.
I'm not a player & I sure as hell don't play games.. I don't break hearts over & over again(unlike someone I know)
I just love someone unconditionally and stay true to them, end of story.
Still I cant quite figure why I'm the one left in the dust.
Is it jealousy I'm feeling right now? hahahahah idk maybe?
Honestly, I just feel alone ALL ALONE DUDE AND IVE FELT THIS WAY FOR SOOO LONG NOW ITS BEEN DRIVING ME CRAZY.
& no matter how hard I try to not feel this way, the feeling NEVER goes away.
The only person who can even remotely understand how I feel is stephen.
I mean stephen and I have made ALOT of mistakes in our lives and we are no saints, trust me.
But if any two people deserve happiness and love, its me and him.
We are the only people I know who have actually had to be on there own and without someone to loves us and keep us warm at night.
I mean we've only been able to depend on our families and our so called "friends"
& quite honestly, we've done just fine up until this point.
& I believe the only reason we have been fine is because we've had each other to get through it all.
& were gonna continue to stick together the next few weeks, months, years even that we remain alone..
Stephen and I have literally been THROUGH HELL AND BACK MULTIPLE TIMES.
I've hurt him & hes definitly hurt me.
I've let him down & hes definitly let me down.
But we are still here today fighting for our friendship against all odds, & that means something to me.
He may be a dissapointment in other peoples eyes, but to me hes an amazing fucking person who has ALWAYS put me first and never once gave up on me when the going got tough..
& for that, I trust him with my fucking life!
There's just so many mixed emotions I feel right now & it's honestly taking a HUGE toll on me..
hahahah but no one will ever know this, cept stephen, cause no one bothers to ask "hey chelsea how have you been doing lately? is everything ok?"
I MIGHT ACT LIKE A HEARTLESS BITCH AND LIKE I DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYONE, BUT I HAVE A HUGE FUCKING HEART AND PLENTY OF LOVE TO GO AROUND.
JUST ONCE ID LIKE A FRIEND WHO IS THE SAME WAY AND TRUELY SHOWS ME THEY CARE ABOUT ME NO MATTER WHAT.
Chelsea Dueno, your last person I thought would ever dissapoint me , but you have..
You've made me doubt you sooo much and thats something I NEVER thought I could do.
Since I first met you, I saw a strong and independent girl who didn't take shit from ANYONE, especially a fucking guy.
& now I really don't know what I see..
& I HATE FEELING THIS WAY ABOUT YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH AND I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
its just really hard for me to be apart of your life right now when your making choices I strongly disagree with..
& its pretty obvious nothings gonna change for awhile which makes this even harder on me.
Having said that, I hope Dillon proves me wrong and does right by you & I hope you are truely happy with him cause I want nothing but happiness for you.
& even though I love you deeply and you will always be one of my bestfriends, I think until this Dillon thing has passed, maybe some time apart would be best..
I mean I don't know if that'll even last because I love spending time with you, its just soo hard with dillon in the picture.
Ah I don't even know what I'm saying anymore..
I just need you to think of me in this situation, not dillon.
I need you to be my friend through this & I don't really feel like you have been.
I need us to get through this cause I need you in my life, but my feelings towards him WONT change.
I've tried to make things right & it didnt work and I've tried to feel differently about him, but I cant.
So where we end up is really up to you now..
I hope this whole entry has given you a better understanding on how I feel.
Until next time livejournal, so long.