(no subject)
well, I thought I had things to talk about haha. that happens quite often. I'm not sure what that aching feeling was for. I thought one thing, I thought another... I feel so out...rather, I feel so in. Almost trapped in. However in this instance the trapper and the trapped are one and the same. Really the trap is an illusion. And my level of awareness seems only to serve to make me feel like I am lost and spinning out of control. But, it is true, that I would rather be very aware of how I feel lost and spinning out of control than ignorant of my own feelings. I feel me there; in there, everywhere. But my ability to remain as my Self has waned and I feel encased in myself (small "s"). I look for things outside of me that could be a contributing factor to the current state of things...and they may be there, but I know all too well the impact that the internal universe has on my perceptions and my feelings. And so I change. Is it deliberate? I suppose so. I suppose practice is deliberate. But I feel that evolution is the eros of the Kosmos. By eros I mean the ascending and transcendental current of the Kosmos. Agape is Spirit reaching down and expressing itself by becoming/being what is known to us as manifest reality and Eros is Spirit reaching up towards its more true, transcendental nature. So, there are choices to be made. Maybe. I believe I am being too serious about it all, but that's nothing new and it is slowly changing. It's been a rough semester. I've taken a few steps back maybe, and a few steps forward definitely. But I always remember, whether moving forward or backward I am always evolving. Forgiveness. Grace. Opening up to higher truths. Forgiveness. How quickly I will forgive the other. and how quickly I will call myself a criminal. But it is but another contraction of self (small "s"). It is me tightening up, shutting down, closing off so that I could perhaps avoid that discomfort of knowing that I am bare; naked in the world and I am responsible for all of the decisions that I must make in life. I must face criticism and judgment. I want to. I want to because it is quite possibly the only way to do what I have set out to do. How sad is the buddha that left his kin behind. He forgot about his Original Face. He forgot that his true Self is and always has been the other just as much as his self and it is and always has been everything in manifest reality. I feel the truth surging forth out of my heart. I've seen the answer without knowing the question. It's like jeopardy or some shit haha. But I do know a few questions that would fit with that answer. Purpose I suppose. Purpose. It seems like people develop a general malaise if they are convinced that they are purposeless. My purpose is big and small. It is profound and simple. Easy and difficult. And it provides me with the best opportunities to evolve so that I may guide others on their own evolutionary journey. fuckin' life man haha. increible! Do I want to tell you? Would either of us benefit? Would it be a contraction of self or an authentic action of Self? or something in between??? Is the time "right"? Will this create a problem? Not for me. I mean it could if it does for her because then the relationship is compromised or something. Maybe she could handle it. I can and standing here, naked to the world, I will scream out the love that I feel. I will be authentically and I will be hurt over and over again, but calluses form eventually and then it won't sting quite as much. I do not want to poison my soul by being inauthentic. I want to feel more and more alive every day that I am living and that goal is not impossible, in fact it is extremely possible; it is the Eros of the Kosmos! Who am I? I Am.