A Shade Between
Maura couldn't help smiling over the nice things Jane had said about her. She knew her friend had been sincere and truly believed what she was saying. However, Maura Isles didn't have the heart to tell her friend that those weren't exactly her fears.
There was no doubt in her mind that she could take another life. She had been watched Jane work long enough to know that sometimes there was no other choice, but Maura knew she would never kill unless it was necessary. She had never been afraid that she would suddenly wake up one morning and realize she was a closet serial killer.
Wiping at her eyes, she could feel the blush rise to her cheeks from Jane's intense stare. "Thank you Jane," she said, squeezing the other woman's hands softly before nervously pulling away. It wasn't that she didn't trust Jane. She just didn't know how to explain that most of the time; she didn't feel things like other people did. She didn't feel things the way normal people did.
Hoyt had managed to see right through her brave bravado. She hadn't been afraid, but it wasn't because he wasn't scary. The man was very intimidating and if that didn't get to you, surely his lack of conscience should. Maura wasn't brave because she had several strong men with guns in the room with her. She wasn't brave because Hoyt was tied to a chair in a maximum-security prison. It wasn't because Jane was in danger either. Maura wasn't afraid because fear was something that was unfamiliar to her.
She knew the thought of anything happening to Jane scared her. Yet, somehow face-to-face with the monster of her friend’s nightmares, there was nothing but calm coursing through her veins. Her words were direct, her actions had been with purpose, and in those moments with Hoyt, she was separate from any emotions that should have been overwhelming. She was focused.
She tried to blame it on the scientist in her. Fear was irrational. She had been playing Hoyt and was beating him at his own game, until that moment when he called her bluff. Realizing how cold she really felt during those moments, she couldn't help but question how she had been able to turn off all the emotions inside of her. She should have been scared and angry. She shouldn’t have been thinking rationally. Yet, she had and he had recognized that in her.
There was no rational reason why she should be able to shut her emotions off completely while other people couldn't even shut down one. Her ability to separate her thoughts and actions from them left her wondering off the scale she was. She had never been a normal child, yet she managed to appear to be a normal healthy functional adult. Maura knew she had called Hoyt on his ability to mimic emotions without even thinking about it. His muscles responded in ways his brain didn't.
Looking up at the screen, she studied Hoyt's knowing smile, the glint in his eyes, and realized that maybe they weren't so different after all. Maybe, all along, the emotions that she did have, where merely the socially accepted actions that she had used to protect herself and draw attention away from her inability to truly feel. She may not be evil like Hoyt, but after all everyone is really just a mix of good and evil, maybe in her case things just balanced out a bit better.
There was no doubt in her mind that she could take another life. She had been watched Jane work long enough to know that sometimes there was no other choice, but Maura knew she would never kill unless it was necessary. She had never been afraid that she would suddenly wake up one morning and realize she was a closet serial killer.
Wiping at her eyes, she could feel the blush rise to her cheeks from Jane's intense stare. "Thank you Jane," she said, squeezing the other woman's hands softly before nervously pulling away. It wasn't that she didn't trust Jane. She just didn't know how to explain that most of the time; she didn't feel things like other people did. She didn't feel things the way normal people did.
Hoyt had managed to see right through her brave bravado. She hadn't been afraid, but it wasn't because he wasn't scary. The man was very intimidating and if that didn't get to you, surely his lack of conscience should. Maura wasn't brave because she had several strong men with guns in the room with her. She wasn't brave because Hoyt was tied to a chair in a maximum-security prison. It wasn't because Jane was in danger either. Maura wasn't afraid because fear was something that was unfamiliar to her.
She knew the thought of anything happening to Jane scared her. Yet, somehow face-to-face with the monster of her friend’s nightmares, there was nothing but calm coursing through her veins. Her words were direct, her actions had been with purpose, and in those moments with Hoyt, she was separate from any emotions that should have been overwhelming. She was focused.
She tried to blame it on the scientist in her. Fear was irrational. She had been playing Hoyt and was beating him at his own game, until that moment when he called her bluff. Realizing how cold she really felt during those moments, she couldn't help but question how she had been able to turn off all the emotions inside of her. She should have been scared and angry. She shouldn’t have been thinking rationally. Yet, she had and he had recognized that in her.
There was no rational reason why she should be able to shut her emotions off completely while other people couldn't even shut down one. Her ability to separate her thoughts and actions from them left her wondering off the scale she was. She had never been a normal child, yet she managed to appear to be a normal healthy functional adult. Maura knew she had called Hoyt on his ability to mimic emotions without even thinking about it. His muscles responded in ways his brain didn't.
Looking up at the screen, she studied Hoyt's knowing smile, the glint in his eyes, and realized that maybe they weren't so different after all. Maybe, all along, the emotions that she did have, where merely the socially accepted actions that she had used to protect herself and draw attention away from her inability to truly feel. She may not be evil like Hoyt, but after all everyone is really just a mix of good and evil, maybe in her case things just balanced out a bit better.