(no subject)
it seems like since day one, i have had difficulty getting people to care. perhaps not even that. perhaps it's just getting them to care about me. that isn't selfish, and i don't mean it the way you probably think i do. but it's silly, right?
because i mean friendship wise.
they'll tell me they do care about me, and that should be a given, but i just don't feel it. i seriously feel like i carry all the weight. maybe everyone feels that way... i suppose it's only natural. still, i can't shake that feeling.
it just feels like in order to sustain the relationship, i have to deal with people and their emotional and physical incapabilities. all of those problems you find within yourself---i probably have them, maybe to a lesser degree, maybe worse. but i feel like they're just raising up the volume to drown me out when it's MY turn to say something that brings me down. but i deal with it. it's not going to cripple me. so, instead, i have to be the person who listens to the problems, and i'll empathize. but it seems that when i have a big problem, where are these friends to listen?
even if this weren't occurring, even if my friends were doing the best they could---and they probably are---i do recognize the fact that i probably wouldn't see it anyway. because in my life, insecurity is a big issue.
we don't go out on dance floors because we are not inebriated and apparently inebriation is what it takes to let yourself go. i don't put my hand upon anyone until i have fought with myself sufficiently.
my problem is I THINK!
i can be so sure of myself one minute, i can tell you about the construction of a sentence...
but if you sound sure of yourself, i will feel extreme doubt. even if it's something i've known my whole life, i will have doubt. i will convince myself that you are in fact right.
and here, i feel the world expand and shrink.
i listen to water pulling itself down the drain.
and i am confused, lost within myself, in a solitary blink!
because i mean friendship wise.
they'll tell me they do care about me, and that should be a given, but i just don't feel it. i seriously feel like i carry all the weight. maybe everyone feels that way... i suppose it's only natural. still, i can't shake that feeling.
it just feels like in order to sustain the relationship, i have to deal with people and their emotional and physical incapabilities. all of those problems you find within yourself---i probably have them, maybe to a lesser degree, maybe worse. but i feel like they're just raising up the volume to drown me out when it's MY turn to say something that brings me down. but i deal with it. it's not going to cripple me. so, instead, i have to be the person who listens to the problems, and i'll empathize. but it seems that when i have a big problem, where are these friends to listen?
even if this weren't occurring, even if my friends were doing the best they could---and they probably are---i do recognize the fact that i probably wouldn't see it anyway. because in my life, insecurity is a big issue.
we don't go out on dance floors because we are not inebriated and apparently inebriation is what it takes to let yourself go. i don't put my hand upon anyone until i have fought with myself sufficiently.
my problem is I THINK!
i can be so sure of myself one minute, i can tell you about the construction of a sentence...
but if you sound sure of yourself, i will feel extreme doubt. even if it's something i've known my whole life, i will have doubt. i will convince myself that you are in fact right.
and here, i feel the world expand and shrink.
i listen to water pulling itself down the drain.
and i am confused, lost within myself, in a solitary blink!