trying to make sense of me.
Still trying to figure out how to write this out, so sorry if it doesn't make sense... but then again, most of you are probably used to me making no sense.
The latest confusion in life started Thursday with a phone call while I was grocery shopping. It was a job offer. So why am I not jumping up and down screaming from the mountain tops? I don't really know completely, although I've some ideas. The job is at CERL, the army research center in Champaign. Yes, I would become a CU townie. That wasn't exactly in my plans. See, I figured getting a job would be a chance to finally leave this town, a chance to get to meet new people who aren't 10 years younger than me or in their 60's, maybe find Mr. Right, and start a new life. However, this job leaves me in CU. Sure, there's some positives. I do have friends in town, and some of them are townies themselves. I'd be able to stay in my current apartment and save up for a house pretty quickly. Plus, there's snow.
For the job itself, it's a material science position that I was never 100% convinced I was really qualified for. It doesn't excited me. From the people I've talked to, it really seems like you're locked into one group when you start. What I've been drawn to at other places is the variety of research and the flexibility to move around on different projects. I met with a friend of a friend over the weekend and she at least seemed to really like it there, so that's a good sign. Plus, there's nothing to say I can't try to do this whole job search thing again in a couple years if I don't like what I'm doing.
I'm also a little off because of the lack of information. There's nothing on paper... that only comes if I verbally accept the position. I don't have information on benefits, expectations, moving (although I'm not really relocating except for the stuff still at my parents), etc. When I asked when I had to let them know, I got the start days for the next three pay cycles with no real answer. It's all so vague... and I like things well explained.
If only this weren't the only real option at this point, maybe I wouldn't feel so much like I'm settling for whatever I could get and not what's best. Am I really the person they want, or am I just their only option and they're setting for me as well? I was supposed to be going to Sandia this week for an interview for an interview for a really awesome position, but that fell through do to funding uncertainties. That'll probably get resolved right after I say yes to this position, so I never get to see what could have been.
So amidst all this uncertainty is the possibility that this job is where I'm supposed to be. I could really love it, and maybe God has plans for me in CU. I just really wish that if that were the case I'd stop feeling so crappy about it all. Logic is just not winning over my emotional response. So I've told a few people prior to this, and I'm trying to catch their excitement for me. I'll see what the next week or two brings before I reach a final decision and trust that eventually I'll get to where I'm supposed to be. I just wish I knew with conviction what that eventuality was.
The latest confusion in life started Thursday with a phone call while I was grocery shopping. It was a job offer. So why am I not jumping up and down screaming from the mountain tops? I don't really know completely, although I've some ideas. The job is at CERL, the army research center in Champaign. Yes, I would become a CU townie. That wasn't exactly in my plans. See, I figured getting a job would be a chance to finally leave this town, a chance to get to meet new people who aren't 10 years younger than me or in their 60's, maybe find Mr. Right, and start a new life. However, this job leaves me in CU. Sure, there's some positives. I do have friends in town, and some of them are townies themselves. I'd be able to stay in my current apartment and save up for a house pretty quickly. Plus, there's snow.
For the job itself, it's a material science position that I was never 100% convinced I was really qualified for. It doesn't excited me. From the people I've talked to, it really seems like you're locked into one group when you start. What I've been drawn to at other places is the variety of research and the flexibility to move around on different projects. I met with a friend of a friend over the weekend and she at least seemed to really like it there, so that's a good sign. Plus, there's nothing to say I can't try to do this whole job search thing again in a couple years if I don't like what I'm doing.
I'm also a little off because of the lack of information. There's nothing on paper... that only comes if I verbally accept the position. I don't have information on benefits, expectations, moving (although I'm not really relocating except for the stuff still at my parents), etc. When I asked when I had to let them know, I got the start days for the next three pay cycles with no real answer. It's all so vague... and I like things well explained.
If only this weren't the only real option at this point, maybe I wouldn't feel so much like I'm settling for whatever I could get and not what's best. Am I really the person they want, or am I just their only option and they're setting for me as well? I was supposed to be going to Sandia this week for an interview for an interview for a really awesome position, but that fell through do to funding uncertainties. That'll probably get resolved right after I say yes to this position, so I never get to see what could have been.
So amidst all this uncertainty is the possibility that this job is where I'm supposed to be. I could really love it, and maybe God has plans for me in CU. I just really wish that if that were the case I'd stop feeling so crappy about it all. Logic is just not winning over my emotional response. So I've told a few people prior to this, and I'm trying to catch their excitement for me. I'll see what the next week or two brings before I reach a final decision and trust that eventually I'll get to where I'm supposed to be. I just wish I knew with conviction what that eventuality was.