The traditional post retreat rambling...
Well, I just got back from my first grown-up retreat. I participated in WATCH at Holy Cross this weekend. I didn't even know this retreat existed until they made an announcement at Mass two weeks ago. That planted a seed and it grew from there. I'd been wanting to do a retreat for ages, but having outgrown Koinonia and too scared to try anything too different, I kept pushing it off. I probably would have skipped this one as well with a fair number of excuses, but when I mentioned it to others, they pretty much told me I was going. Apparently, my need for a retreat was not just something I was noticing :) So through some difficulties with applications and overcoming my fears of being decades younger than everyone, I made it there Friday night. Right away I knew I'd made the right decision (and was happy to find out I wasn't the youngest one there!). It was a very small retreat, but that suited me just fine. There were the usual talks, meditations, group time, and more food than you could eat. The spiritual dust was shaken off, things polished up a bit. In it all, I found something I'd been looking for... a spiritual home. Even though I'd been singing with Holy Cross contemporary choir for over a year now, I didn't really know anyone else there. I just came, did the whole singing thing, and left. The people this weekend were so welcoming. It didn't matter that I might only be here temporarily or that I wasn't a full time Holy Cross person as I will probably still go to St. Pat's when I don't have choir obligations. I was welcomed simply as me, as a member of the Church family. For the first time, I had a group of people to call friends that I didn't meet in a student setting. It's amazing how much of a difference that one fact made in the restlessness I've felt of floating around in uncertainty the past year.
I also found someone this weekend that I've been missing... myself. My usual way to deal with things is to bury them somewhere deep inside. As a result, over time, I find myself becoming numb, going through the motions in life, and growing distant with those I care about. If I don't like what I'm hiding, I sure don't want others to see it... and the best way to avoid that is to avoid people and when I'm in their presence to put on the happy mask or be upset about something trivial so that they don't see past that. My favorite line from a song they played this weekend mirrors this "Laughter hides their silent cries." So no miracles this weekend. I didn't spill my guts to my table, in fact I said very little this weekend. There were no major revelations or secrets to the future unlocked. However, I found me again, or rather, God uncovered the me in me again and started reconnecting some of the pieces. That's what I love about retreats, the safe space to bring out the worries, the hurts, the sorrows, and all the other garbage that's been collected and say to God, okay, with Your help and through the people surrounding me, let's work some more on these. Even though externally it may seem like little change has taken place, the talks, the prayer time, and the stories others tell touch that deepest part of me I keep so hidden. I'm so thankful for everyone on the retreat this weekend. I wish I could convey to everyone how much they impacted my life. God's timing is always perfect. With exactly a month of employment left and at a crossroads between student and adult, I was where I needed to be this weekend. God really is awesome, and I'm looking forward to spending more time with the WATCH community.
I also found someone this weekend that I've been missing... myself. My usual way to deal with things is to bury them somewhere deep inside. As a result, over time, I find myself becoming numb, going through the motions in life, and growing distant with those I care about. If I don't like what I'm hiding, I sure don't want others to see it... and the best way to avoid that is to avoid people and when I'm in their presence to put on the happy mask or be upset about something trivial so that they don't see past that. My favorite line from a song they played this weekend mirrors this "Laughter hides their silent cries." So no miracles this weekend. I didn't spill my guts to my table, in fact I said very little this weekend. There were no major revelations or secrets to the future unlocked. However, I found me again, or rather, God uncovered the me in me again and started reconnecting some of the pieces. That's what I love about retreats, the safe space to bring out the worries, the hurts, the sorrows, and all the other garbage that's been collected and say to God, okay, with Your help and through the people surrounding me, let's work some more on these. Even though externally it may seem like little change has taken place, the talks, the prayer time, and the stories others tell touch that deepest part of me I keep so hidden. I'm so thankful for everyone on the retreat this weekend. I wish I could convey to everyone how much they impacted my life. God's timing is always perfect. With exactly a month of employment left and at a crossroads between student and adult, I was where I needed to be this weekend. God really is awesome, and I'm looking forward to spending more time with the WATCH community.