This is from january 12, 2004
PART ONE
HORNY CHILDREN GO BLIND
but enough small talk lets cut to the chase.
You ask me, “what do I want?” as if I could tell you
Wait
Yes I can, because it is what I to seem to want. Jesus Christ its what everybody seems to want. What a tragedy some say. Well, it’s the only reason any of us are alive
MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE
We love our lives of consumption, countless desires. Its how we fake happy.
Just one more dollar, just one more toy, just one more attempt, just one more day
Then you’ll be content, but what then? Stumped?
You like analogies?
“Just one more” is to you, as the carrot is to…?
Well I guess this is a bit unfair, carrots can go with a lot of stuff
Like peas, or with milk or rabbits…It seems ive lost my point
Horse. “Just one more” is to you, as the carrot is to the horse. Funny though, don’t think I’ve ever seen someone dangle a carrot in front of a horse to get it to move.
I bet you don’t like being compared to a horse, terribly sorry, let me explain
The hose thinks “Just one more step, then I’ll get that carrot dangling in front of my face.” The horse likes thinking about that carrot, it helps keep his mind off the monotony and exhaustion of each step.
Get the analogy? Might be for the best that you don’t
But what can I say? I’m an asshole. Lets see…How to put it…
Fuck it, I’ll just be direct
YOU’LL NEVER BE HAPPY
Hmm, maybe to direct…Oh well you probably don’t believe me anyways
(A member of the Audience screams)
“What a stupid statement, I’ve felt happy many times”
Maybe you are right, But consider the horse. Think to your moments of happiness. Why were you happy? Were you just about to get that perfect thing,? that perfect mate?
It seems that the only moments you were truly happy were based on the anticipation of that next step, the step that brings you to that carrot.
Oops, I seem to have once again compared you to the house.
Once again, terribly sorry. Oh my, you seem to have misunderstood me. It was to the horse that I apologized.
You see, though you call the horse stupid. He sees it different
THE ANALOGY IS FLAWED
Unlike the horse and his carrot, the desires that you are constantly chasing are within your reach
SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT HAPPY?
Once again you point out that indeed you are.
Fine, I’ll allow you that, once you get your carrot you are happy. But for how long?
It seems that
And pay attention here, this is where my brilliant analogy fails, once you get the carrot, you soon grow bored
Think to yourself “Well yea, the carrot is good, but if one carrot is good then wouldn’t two be even better?” Now with this notion in your head how can one carrot be enough to satisfy, so where’s your happiness now? You say…”Ha, once again I am happy because I’m anticipating how happy I’ll be with two carrots”
Wait, wasn’t that my point? Whatever.
Once you get two carrots, life is perfect isn’t it, I guess you’ve proven me wrong. Tail between my legs I prepare to admit my defeat.
When out of you beautiful mouth spews those powerful words
“I’d be happier with a cabbage”
End Act One
INTERMISSION
Robots can be our friends too
They’re just the same as me and you
Although their heads are made of steel
That doesn’t mean their hearts don’t feel
You must cut out your bigoted ways
Because the robots are here to stay
REMEMBER THAT WEIRD VENDOR?
Ass Ass
Chicken Ass Ass
Chicken Ass Ass
Baking Soda
PART TWO
Judging from the audience’s cries I will assume that the statement I made in the previous act hurt some of your feelings.
I simply cant bear it, when little ones cry
And you really should know, im quite a nice guy
Damnit now you’ve gone and made me rhyme.
Although I cant say that what I said was untrue
You needn’t be too angry at yourselves. This inability to ever settle with what you have, is actually the reason that your still alive.
(A man from the audience yells) “What foolery do you speak?”
None, no foolery
You seem not to have made the logic jump with me. I’ll help you.
You like analogies?
Imagine if that horse was to catch his carrot. Actually I’m afraid this is a different horse then before. His anti-humanism caught the attention of our
King, Sir Man.
Who sent him to Siberia.
This new horse is a plow horse. Don’t worry, the carrot is still there. It is actually the same carrot as before, for you see, it was the carrot who told
King, Sir Man
About the horse’s treachery. Small world, No?
Think now to yourselves, what would happen if the plow horse was to actually get the carrot?
(That same man yells out, thinking he’s got it all figured out) “Why, then he’d be happy”
(the ushers try to eject him but he is simply too fat)
And here I thought I was the performer tonight. Well anyways you are wrong, and you are fat.
(With this the man suddenly starts crying, then dies)
Lets all have a moment of silence, for this man was not just fat, he was also none other than
King, Sir Man
(the entire Audience, looking at me, screams) “All hair our knew King”
Well isn’t this fortunate, so far what I’ve said was completely taken from out of my ass
An Ass which is now royalty, and can shit no lie.
So what I have said, and will say, is now nothing but truth
(A Deathly Silence)
Back to what I was saying If this plow horse was to actually reach the carrot. He no longer would have reason to keep up his monotonous and exhausting work. He used to use the carrot as motivation, but now he has gotten the carrot, and now longer feels a need to pull the plough.
Once again I may have made a leap my audience doesn’t follow.
You people must remember that this I an analogy, an analogy to you and your desires.
AGAIN MY ANALOGY IS FLAWED
Unlike the horse, you can reach your carrot. In this fact arises a problem. Like the carrot motivates the horse to pull the plow. Like wise do your desires motivate you to continue trudging through your boring, repetitive lives. The only motivation you have to wake up every morning is to find happiness.
What then?
Why, You'd no longer have unfulfilled desires
Sound good?
But if we have no desires we have no reason to even get up in the morning. No reason to do anything really, and what would happen to a species where every member simply did nothing?
It would die off
And that wouldn’t be too productive
So you see little ones, there’s no need to be sad, it may seem sort of hopeless, but its not as if what I say means anything in particular.
End Act Two
get the hell out of my theatre
HORNY CHILDREN GO BLIND
but enough small talk lets cut to the chase.
You ask me, “what do I want?” as if I could tell you
Wait
Yes I can, because it is what I to seem to want. Jesus Christ its what everybody seems to want. What a tragedy some say. Well, it’s the only reason any of us are alive
MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE, MORE
We love our lives of consumption, countless desires. Its how we fake happy.
Just one more dollar, just one more toy, just one more attempt, just one more day
Then you’ll be content, but what then? Stumped?
You like analogies?
“Just one more” is to you, as the carrot is to…?
Well I guess this is a bit unfair, carrots can go with a lot of stuff
Like peas, or with milk or rabbits…It seems ive lost my point
Horse. “Just one more” is to you, as the carrot is to the horse. Funny though, don’t think I’ve ever seen someone dangle a carrot in front of a horse to get it to move.
I bet you don’t like being compared to a horse, terribly sorry, let me explain
The hose thinks “Just one more step, then I’ll get that carrot dangling in front of my face.” The horse likes thinking about that carrot, it helps keep his mind off the monotony and exhaustion of each step.
Get the analogy? Might be for the best that you don’t
But what can I say? I’m an asshole. Lets see…How to put it…
Fuck it, I’ll just be direct
YOU’LL NEVER BE HAPPY
Hmm, maybe to direct…Oh well you probably don’t believe me anyways
(A member of the Audience screams)
“What a stupid statement, I’ve felt happy many times”
Maybe you are right, But consider the horse. Think to your moments of happiness. Why were you happy? Were you just about to get that perfect thing,? that perfect mate?
It seems that the only moments you were truly happy were based on the anticipation of that next step, the step that brings you to that carrot.
Oops, I seem to have once again compared you to the house.
Once again, terribly sorry. Oh my, you seem to have misunderstood me. It was to the horse that I apologized.
You see, though you call the horse stupid. He sees it different
THE ANALOGY IS FLAWED
Unlike the horse and his carrot, the desires that you are constantly chasing are within your reach
SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT HAPPY?
Once again you point out that indeed you are.
Fine, I’ll allow you that, once you get your carrot you are happy. But for how long?
It seems that
And pay attention here, this is where my brilliant analogy fails, once you get the carrot, you soon grow bored
Think to yourself “Well yea, the carrot is good, but if one carrot is good then wouldn’t two be even better?” Now with this notion in your head how can one carrot be enough to satisfy, so where’s your happiness now? You say…”Ha, once again I am happy because I’m anticipating how happy I’ll be with two carrots”
Wait, wasn’t that my point? Whatever.
Once you get two carrots, life is perfect isn’t it, I guess you’ve proven me wrong. Tail between my legs I prepare to admit my defeat.
When out of you beautiful mouth spews those powerful words
“I’d be happier with a cabbage”
End Act One
INTERMISSION
Robots can be our friends too
They’re just the same as me and you
Although their heads are made of steel
That doesn’t mean their hearts don’t feel
You must cut out your bigoted ways
Because the robots are here to stay
REMEMBER THAT WEIRD VENDOR?
Ass Ass
Chicken Ass Ass
Chicken Ass Ass
Baking Soda
PART TWO
Judging from the audience’s cries I will assume that the statement I made in the previous act hurt some of your feelings.
I simply cant bear it, when little ones cry
And you really should know, im quite a nice guy
Damnit now you’ve gone and made me rhyme.
Although I cant say that what I said was untrue
You needn’t be too angry at yourselves. This inability to ever settle with what you have, is actually the reason that your still alive.
(A man from the audience yells) “What foolery do you speak?”
None, no foolery
You seem not to have made the logic jump with me. I’ll help you.
You like analogies?
Imagine if that horse was to catch his carrot. Actually I’m afraid this is a different horse then before. His anti-humanism caught the attention of our
King, Sir Man.
Who sent him to Siberia.
This new horse is a plow horse. Don’t worry, the carrot is still there. It is actually the same carrot as before, for you see, it was the carrot who told
King, Sir Man
About the horse’s treachery. Small world, No?
Think now to yourselves, what would happen if the plow horse was to actually get the carrot?
(That same man yells out, thinking he’s got it all figured out) “Why, then he’d be happy”
(the ushers try to eject him but he is simply too fat)
And here I thought I was the performer tonight. Well anyways you are wrong, and you are fat.
(With this the man suddenly starts crying, then dies)
Lets all have a moment of silence, for this man was not just fat, he was also none other than
King, Sir Man
(the entire Audience, looking at me, screams) “All hair our knew King”
Well isn’t this fortunate, so far what I’ve said was completely taken from out of my ass
An Ass which is now royalty, and can shit no lie.
So what I have said, and will say, is now nothing but truth
(A Deathly Silence)
Back to what I was saying If this plow horse was to actually reach the carrot. He no longer would have reason to keep up his monotonous and exhausting work. He used to use the carrot as motivation, but now he has gotten the carrot, and now longer feels a need to pull the plough.
Once again I may have made a leap my audience doesn’t follow.
You people must remember that this I an analogy, an analogy to you and your desires.
AGAIN MY ANALOGY IS FLAWED
Unlike the horse, you can reach your carrot. In this fact arises a problem. Like the carrot motivates the horse to pull the plow. Like wise do your desires motivate you to continue trudging through your boring, repetitive lives. The only motivation you have to wake up every morning is to find happiness.
What then?
Why, You'd no longer have unfulfilled desires
Sound good?
But if we have no desires we have no reason to even get up in the morning. No reason to do anything really, and what would happen to a species where every member simply did nothing?
It would die off
And that wouldn’t be too productive
So you see little ones, there’s no need to be sad, it may seem sort of hopeless, but its not as if what I say means anything in particular.
End Act Two
get the hell out of my theatre