Banging my head against a brick wall
Ok, where to start....well I guess I got to see the last Red Sox win of the season, as they went three games and out against the Chicago White Sox. I was kinda sad when we had to play them because I have a lot of respect for them and their city (that team is a lot like the Red Sox were last year....they haven't won since 1917). I think I'd like to see them win the World Series this year.
Anyways, I really need to learn my lesson. Namely with Victoria, who informed me this morning that she had sex last night (twice....well, technically one was this morning before he left). I want to say "see she's moved on, why can't I?" but her response would most likely be "oh there's nothing to have moved on from" which kinda makes me feel worse. I also don't see why she needs to tell me shit like that. She has to know it hurts me....maybe she enjoys that? Derives some sick pleasure out of knowing that there's at least one person in this world who likes her enough to be affected by the fucked up things she does? I swear she cares nothing for me or how I feel about her, and it pisses me off. I should (and probably will) spend less time with her, and eventually spend no time with her. I made that decision this morning, when she told me about Jefferson (the guy).
The girls in my life are terribly unhealthy, and I need to do something about it. I've been to psych services a couple of times (and Dr. Ellis claims that I am indeed beating my head against a brick wall with Victoria), and have a referal to see some local doctors, so I'm going to call them. I specifically want to know why I choose the girls I do. I seem to find the girls with no self-esteem and proceed to boost it for them, only to make myself less respectable in their eyes and ultimately they fuck around on me or otherwise hurt me in some way. I don't think I've met too many great girls in my life regardless (I realize that's harsh to say, but it's how I feel), but that may in part be tied to my fucked up selection process (Dolores and Victoria ring any bells?). I want this to stop dominating my thoughts and affecting my life. It's hindering.....like I can't find girls now because I've got Victoria with a choke hold on me (emotionally), and she knows it, flaunts it in some ways. Perhaps seeing a doctor (or finding a new girl....I hear Fish Co is good for that) will help to at least remove Victoria from my life, without making me out to be any kind of a bad guy.
She treats me badly and I let her, so I've only got myself to blame for this. HOWEVER, since the blame rests on me, then I should have complete control over fixing it, right?
Damn.....I need to work on myself and my perception of things. I think I'm going to go drinking tonight, and maybe try Fish Co out....
Anyways, I really need to learn my lesson. Namely with Victoria, who informed me this morning that she had sex last night (twice....well, technically one was this morning before he left). I want to say "see she's moved on, why can't I?" but her response would most likely be "oh there's nothing to have moved on from" which kinda makes me feel worse. I also don't see why she needs to tell me shit like that. She has to know it hurts me....maybe she enjoys that? Derives some sick pleasure out of knowing that there's at least one person in this world who likes her enough to be affected by the fucked up things she does? I swear she cares nothing for me or how I feel about her, and it pisses me off. I should (and probably will) spend less time with her, and eventually spend no time with her. I made that decision this morning, when she told me about Jefferson (the guy).
The girls in my life are terribly unhealthy, and I need to do something about it. I've been to psych services a couple of times (and Dr. Ellis claims that I am indeed beating my head against a brick wall with Victoria), and have a referal to see some local doctors, so I'm going to call them. I specifically want to know why I choose the girls I do. I seem to find the girls with no self-esteem and proceed to boost it for them, only to make myself less respectable in their eyes and ultimately they fuck around on me or otherwise hurt me in some way. I don't think I've met too many great girls in my life regardless (I realize that's harsh to say, but it's how I feel), but that may in part be tied to my fucked up selection process (Dolores and Victoria ring any bells?). I want this to stop dominating my thoughts and affecting my life. It's hindering.....like I can't find girls now because I've got Victoria with a choke hold on me (emotionally), and she knows it, flaunts it in some ways. Perhaps seeing a doctor (or finding a new girl....I hear Fish Co is good for that) will help to at least remove Victoria from my life, without making me out to be any kind of a bad guy.
She treats me badly and I let her, so I've only got myself to blame for this. HOWEVER, since the blame rests on me, then I should have complete control over fixing it, right?
Damn.....I need to work on myself and my perception of things. I think I'm going to go drinking tonight, and maybe try Fish Co out....