Am I an addict?
So a couple of weeks ago (right after game 2 of the Cup Final actually), who else but Victoria contacts me out of the blue. I hadn't really spoken to her since Valentines in 2006 (except for a couple of happy birthdays each way and one short conversation regarding chicken wings), and so I suppose I was unprepared for how the conversations would make me feel. I'm not even sure what the conversation was about, but it was a long one and it was nice (even after all this time, everything just kinda clicks.....like two puzzle pieces fitting together) and was followed by her sending a few text messages to me while she was at her sister's wedding (as well as two phone calls).
So how do I feel about this? Well, surprisingly very hurt. Probably not from the contact now, but from what I felt a year and a half ago. I look back on that now and I still can honestly say that I feel I really loved the girl, and am honestly still crushed that she didn't really feel anything towards me at all. I tried to cover up how badly I was hurt with a lot of anger and hatred (some of which made its way onto this journal) and that definitely made me feel better. But it's not something you can keep up. Certainly, despite all my convincing myself to the contrary, I still want this girl. Man, I feel like the stupid abused dog that keeps wagging his tail and running back to the abusive master (as I write this, I'm calling my dogs over to pet them....haha maybe make sure I don't leave them feeling the way she leaves me feeling :)).
So in light of this discovery, I think I wish she hadn't contacted me. We haven't spoken since (really hasn't been a chance; I sent her one text message since to which she hasn't replied and I'll leave it at that) but I expect we probably will. I don't think it's particularly healthy that I speak to the girl unless her feelings have changed (mine clearly have not); otherwise we end up in the same rut as before and I'm as overwhelmed with jealousy as I was before. Clearly not a good idea. So the logical idea would be to tell her that I think it's best if we continue to not speak, as I don't expect either of us have changed our feelings. But I don't actually see myself doing this strangely enough. For one, it would be a more direct admission that I can't keep my feelings in check (i.e. that I'm weak) and I don't want to do that, especially to her. Also, I think she's a bit like a drug with me, and I'm addicted to her (hence the title).
So in the end I will probably do nothing and hope that either 1) her feelings have changed and she wants to pursue something with me (in which case I'll explore my feelings on that), or 2) she just doesn't contact me again on her own and saves me the entire hassle.
You know, I've been surprisingly calm about this actually. I feel the same way as before (even the same feelings of "here we go again" everytime something falls through with a girl that, well....that I really don't want things to fall through with), and yet it isn't totally overwhleming me like it did before. I'm faily emotionally detatched actually, which I think is good. I've had romantic interests since Victoria (one in LA is actually starting to rekindle and I'm pretty happy about that), but I really thought Victoria was special and....well, maybe I should stop this here. The more I write, the more I might break the barriers I've put up, and I think it's best for now to keep them intact.
In other news, I'm going to be a season seat holder for the Ducks next season. I get to go pick out my seat next week.....can't wait!!! :)
So how do I feel about this? Well, surprisingly very hurt. Probably not from the contact now, but from what I felt a year and a half ago. I look back on that now and I still can honestly say that I feel I really loved the girl, and am honestly still crushed that she didn't really feel anything towards me at all. I tried to cover up how badly I was hurt with a lot of anger and hatred (some of which made its way onto this journal) and that definitely made me feel better. But it's not something you can keep up. Certainly, despite all my convincing myself to the contrary, I still want this girl. Man, I feel like the stupid abused dog that keeps wagging his tail and running back to the abusive master (as I write this, I'm calling my dogs over to pet them....haha maybe make sure I don't leave them feeling the way she leaves me feeling :)).
So in light of this discovery, I think I wish she hadn't contacted me. We haven't spoken since (really hasn't been a chance; I sent her one text message since to which she hasn't replied and I'll leave it at that) but I expect we probably will. I don't think it's particularly healthy that I speak to the girl unless her feelings have changed (mine clearly have not); otherwise we end up in the same rut as before and I'm as overwhelmed with jealousy as I was before. Clearly not a good idea. So the logical idea would be to tell her that I think it's best if we continue to not speak, as I don't expect either of us have changed our feelings. But I don't actually see myself doing this strangely enough. For one, it would be a more direct admission that I can't keep my feelings in check (i.e. that I'm weak) and I don't want to do that, especially to her. Also, I think she's a bit like a drug with me, and I'm addicted to her (hence the title).
So in the end I will probably do nothing and hope that either 1) her feelings have changed and she wants to pursue something with me (in which case I'll explore my feelings on that), or 2) she just doesn't contact me again on her own and saves me the entire hassle.
You know, I've been surprisingly calm about this actually. I feel the same way as before (even the same feelings of "here we go again" everytime something falls through with a girl that, well....that I really don't want things to fall through with), and yet it isn't totally overwhleming me like it did before. I'm faily emotionally detatched actually, which I think is good. I've had romantic interests since Victoria (one in LA is actually starting to rekindle and I'm pretty happy about that), but I really thought Victoria was special and....well, maybe I should stop this here. The more I write, the more I might break the barriers I've put up, and I think it's best for now to keep them intact.
In other news, I'm going to be a season seat holder for the Ducks next season. I get to go pick out my seat next week.....can't wait!!! :)