Venting
I don’t know I feel very confused and I’m trying my best to be polite and as always I suppose be the bigger person after each falling out. It just gets more and more frustrating each time???
I had hoped that with our exchanges since our first meet up regardless of the outcome, we would’ve been cordial, honest, communicative. That wasn’t what was happening. When I opened up about Oliver, one of the comments I got from you (not verbatim) was “oh well sorry he’s sick, but I thought his death was more imminent, so I didn’t know what you meant by be grieving him”. Yeah, well giving your favorite pet 7 medications a day, waking up every 8 hours so that you can learn how to force a pill down his throat he doesn’t want to take, one that if done incorrectly would make him nauseous, vomit, and drool for 20 minutes each time because of how terrible it is. To try multiple formats of that same drug and pay all these fees you get it to be dermal absorption over the ear skin to not be as effective and see the decline, to have to go back. To do 7 vet appts in a matter of 2 months. To hand feed him because he refuses to get up to go eat. To finally figure out the whole med system, successfully get him out of heart failure (brink of death), down to 3 meds a day, to only get off work, watch him play with his sister and a cat toy, start convulsing become paralyzed and cry out in so much pain where the only thing I could do is just hold him while he suffered immensely those last months and watch him take his last breath. I sat with him for hours, until his body turned cold. I had to call someone to pick him up at 2:30am and he’s getting cremated. This is very fucking important to me because this reminds me of my grandfather, but this time I might actually get his ashes back. Now I’m dealing with a vet check up and blood panel for Sadie to make sure she doesn’t have it. She’s grieving and losing weight. She wasn’t eating after it happened. She’s never been alone and now she’s more needy and clingy than ever. I’m afraid of what to do when I travel, which I stopped doing when Oliver got sick. I made sure I was always there and significantly readjusted my routine to give him his medication and spend time with him. Now that he’s passed you send a text saying “how are you holding up”?????
You want me to be in “better spirits”? Jesus fucking Christ. All I wanted from you was to be honest, open, and communicative and during all this you stopped talking to me and only reached out because I ran into you at that stupid show and again because you are sorry Oliver passed. Now, two days before dayseeker you want to give me a ticket you bought months ago????? Decided last second to actually give it to me? I just feel so infuriated with the push and pull dynamic. It’s only ever on your terms. I spoke to you about what I basically wanted, you to stop fucking bullshitting. You wanted my address to send me a gift/letter. Well that never happened. You apparently wrote it. Why the fuck would I give you my address otherwise? I will always be the fucking bigger person, but I want you to know that I don’t see shit that’s changed with you. That was always the problem. So I sincerely hope you finally get the motivation to start making some changes because this whole talk to me Sam, ghost you after is getting really fucking old. Please do not take advantage of my kindness. We are okay. There is no bad blood, but I do need you to see your pattern of being so afraid and so shameful you just shut me out completely which really really fucking hurts. Also idk what the fuck is up with you, but my cards keep telling me you have car issues or no car and I would genuinely really like to know if this is correct. Also the cards told me I would receive “an offer” which happened right before you messaged me about the tickets. Absolute fucking craziness.
I feel better after yelling at you.
I had hoped that with our exchanges since our first meet up regardless of the outcome, we would’ve been cordial, honest, communicative. That wasn’t what was happening. When I opened up about Oliver, one of the comments I got from you (not verbatim) was “oh well sorry he’s sick, but I thought his death was more imminent, so I didn’t know what you meant by be grieving him”. Yeah, well giving your favorite pet 7 medications a day, waking up every 8 hours so that you can learn how to force a pill down his throat he doesn’t want to take, one that if done incorrectly would make him nauseous, vomit, and drool for 20 minutes each time because of how terrible it is. To try multiple formats of that same drug and pay all these fees you get it to be dermal absorption over the ear skin to not be as effective and see the decline, to have to go back. To do 7 vet appts in a matter of 2 months. To hand feed him because he refuses to get up to go eat. To finally figure out the whole med system, successfully get him out of heart failure (brink of death), down to 3 meds a day, to only get off work, watch him play with his sister and a cat toy, start convulsing become paralyzed and cry out in so much pain where the only thing I could do is just hold him while he suffered immensely those last months and watch him take his last breath. I sat with him for hours, until his body turned cold. I had to call someone to pick him up at 2:30am and he’s getting cremated. This is very fucking important to me because this reminds me of my grandfather, but this time I might actually get his ashes back. Now I’m dealing with a vet check up and blood panel for Sadie to make sure she doesn’t have it. She’s grieving and losing weight. She wasn’t eating after it happened. She’s never been alone and now she’s more needy and clingy than ever. I’m afraid of what to do when I travel, which I stopped doing when Oliver got sick. I made sure I was always there and significantly readjusted my routine to give him his medication and spend time with him. Now that he’s passed you send a text saying “how are you holding up”?????
You want me to be in “better spirits”? Jesus fucking Christ. All I wanted from you was to be honest, open, and communicative and during all this you stopped talking to me and only reached out because I ran into you at that stupid show and again because you are sorry Oliver passed. Now, two days before dayseeker you want to give me a ticket you bought months ago????? Decided last second to actually give it to me? I just feel so infuriated with the push and pull dynamic. It’s only ever on your terms. I spoke to you about what I basically wanted, you to stop fucking bullshitting. You wanted my address to send me a gift/letter. Well that never happened. You apparently wrote it. Why the fuck would I give you my address otherwise? I will always be the fucking bigger person, but I want you to know that I don’t see shit that’s changed with you. That was always the problem. So I sincerely hope you finally get the motivation to start making some changes because this whole talk to me Sam, ghost you after is getting really fucking old. Please do not take advantage of my kindness. We are okay. There is no bad blood, but I do need you to see your pattern of being so afraid and so shameful you just shut me out completely which really really fucking hurts. Also idk what the fuck is up with you, but my cards keep telling me you have car issues or no car and I would genuinely really like to know if this is correct. Also the cards told me I would receive “an offer” which happened right before you messaged me about the tickets. Absolute fucking craziness.
I feel better after yelling at you.