(no subject)
Title: Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own
Pairing: Ryan/Colin
Summary: When you hate to show weakness and emotion, what will you do when it all comes crashing down?
Author’s Notes: I’ve been a bit pissed off because I haven’t been able to finish ANY fic I’ve been working on so I thought I’d write this just because I hit a lil bit of inspiration so WOO.
Anyway, slightly depressing and sad, but read if you wish :)
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Ryan.
Hmm. Ryan. To anyone who doesn’t know the man properly, I guess you’d say he was a complete and utter cock. Maybe you like the sarky-ness. A lot of people can’t stand it. I however, can.
A lot of people say our humour is different. For sure, I am more random, and yes, Ryan’s humour seems to be a lot more blunt and sarcastic but we still think on the same brain wave. That’s why we love each other. He’s said to me many a time that I am the only person who can properly make him crack up, and you don’t know how happy that makes me. Ryan’s one of those people who is hateful towards emotion. He doesn’t like to show his weaknesses, hence his hard exterior. I know he has a soft side in there somewhere. Sometimes I can tell by the way he smiles, or the way he gets that twinkle in his eye. Sometimes the smile isn’t fake and sarcastic, sometimes it is soft and friendly. He is goofy, true, but you wouldn’t want to cross him. When he’s being his humorous idiot self, yes it’s funny, but when the sarcasm comes through, most people can’t tell if he’s joking or not.
I guess that’s why some people feel threatened by him. I can understand that. However I understand Ryan completely, therefore nothing he does scares me.
Well….really.
Although…I remember one time…
Ryan and Pat had just split up. Yes myself and Ryan are together. I was surprised at how well he had taken it, but then again Ryan never showed emotion. He deemed emotion weakness. Just one day I wanted to see emotion somewhere. But not like this. Not like what was about to happen.
It was one day.
Ryan had seemed funny. Not in a humorous way. In a strange, abnormal way. He’s always been a quiet man, believe it or not, but this time…it wasn’t normal. He was being too quiet. I had tried to talk to him but all I had gotten in response was the occasional nod, or just a swift look. It had been this way for near enough two months, but I hadn’t thought anything of it. Well ok I had, I’m not going to lie. But I thought if I had said anything, it would have caused an argument. So I had left Ry to himself.
But it was a couple of months down the line, on one particular day, Drew had called.
Ryan hadn’t gone to work on DCS.
This was peculiar. Ryan always turned up for work. He rarely missed it, in fact, he relished working. But this wasn’t good. Drew was panicking. He had informed he had phoned Pat too and Pat hadn’t heard a thing, which resulted in her worrying too…which had me starting to panic. We phoned Greg, to which Greg replied he hadn’t seen Ryan either. That, in turn, had Greg panicking too. So then we had tried to get hold of Ryan’s mom, see if he had gone to visit her. She said no.
But she did hand some information to me. Something which Ryan hadn’t told me, and in turn made me feel incredibly guilty for trying to bug him about why he was being so quiet.
Sonny, Ryan’s father, had died two weeks ago. He had gone to the funeral and hadn’t even told me, or anyone else. He had hid it from everyone. But it also made me wonder what else had happened to make Ryan so unhappy and quiet over the space of two months. I figured I had to go and find him. I jumped in my car without a second thought, trying to figure out where he would have gone. I decided the graveyard. He was obviously distraught, and he had told me many a time he liked walking through graveyards to clear his head. He had laughed when I said it creeped me out, to which he had responded “They’re coming to get you Barbara.”
How I missed that smile of his. I needed to find him.
Although I was panicking a lot at this point, it wasn’t the worst of the whole thing. No.
The worst thing was when I found him.
Ryan.
So tall, brave, rough around the edges. Hard outer shell to block out emotion, and a sarcastic nature to defend himself. All of that was gone.
What I saw in front of me was the wreckage of a man. Knees buried in thick mud from the heavy rain surrounding him, he was knelt in front of his father’s gravestone. He was completely sodden, eyes red from tears, hunched over as if in agony. It cut me deep. To see him this torn up, this utterly broken. And I hadn’t been able to do a damn thing. The look on his face when he noticed I was there was even more heartbreaking.
He actually looked disappointed and ashamed. But not at me. At himself. Disappointed that he had shown emotion, and ashamed at the fact I had found him this way. He physically turned away from me, fresh tears streaming his beautiful face.
“Col..” his deep voice croaked out weakly. He didn’t need to say anything else. I feel to my knees beside him, pulling him into a crushing hug, gripping the back of his hair, pushing him against my shoulder gently. I felt his weight lean into me, as if he was fully breaking apart, gripping to me for support. His fists gripped my jacket so tightly, his knuckles were snow white.
I held him tightly, saying nothing. If he wanted to speak, he could speak. If he didn’t, I’d stay silent for him. I didn’t want to question him. Although, I felt hurt he felt he couldn’t tell me what happened. He had hidden from this and was too wrapped up in trying to let everyone else carry on and be happy. He had hidden his pain so that he wouldn’t be noticed, therefore wouldn’t have to show emotion. But it had all been too much in the end.
“Col?” he croaked tearfully again. I rubbed his back gently, weaving my fingers into his soaked locks, stroking reassuringly.
“Talk to me.” I offered quietly, letting him know I’d be listening to him, being there for him. I felt him swallow hard, before his shaking voice returned with an answer.
“I..I’m losing everything…”
I frowned slightly, pulling back to gaze at him.
“Ryan-“
“Col..please..just let me speak.” He interrupted, pulling me tight again. I nodded, cuddling him close again.
“I’m losing everything. I’m not blaming anything on you…or on anyone else. Life is life..I just..I usually feel so in control..and now everything is changing. I’ve lost my family…my children are growing up…but they refuse to talk to me now…” I felt a pang of guilt. They had refused to talk to him since he had split up from Pat. Ryan sniffed, wiping his nose on his sleeve,
“Everything is coming to an end. Whose Line…DCS…even my Dad’s life…I..I just..I can’t deal with all of this Colin. It feels like everything is spiralling out of control, and it’s flying at break neck speed and..I..I can’t stop it…it’s just spiralling down and down…”
“Ryan look at me.” I pulled back, gently pulling his chin up so he could look me in the eyes. His beautiful jade eyes were red and innocent, tears dribbling down his already rain soaked skin. I cupped his jaw softly, gazing into his eyes.
“I will help you. I’ve always been here to help you. You’ve scared the hell out of all of us..Me, Greg, Drew, Diedrich, Pat…even the kids…your mother especially.” Ryan sniffed. I could tell he was feeling guilty for putting us through the panic, mostly for his mother. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt her more than she would be already.
“We’ll get help baby alright?..We’ll be okay…” I cuddled him tight again.
That memory never left my mind. Never has done and never will do.
Ryan’s better now. I got him help and now he opens up to me whenever he feels down. Although it’s only to me. He keeps up his hard man persona in front of others, but now I know for sure that Ryan is just a vulnerable and prone to hurt as the rest of us.
But I never want to see anything like that day again. So I make sure to tell him a joke every morning. Just enough to see that gorgeous, true, happy smile on his face, instead of the tears of pain and anguish that has plagued my mind since then.
Comments are love
xx
Pairing: Ryan/Colin
Summary: When you hate to show weakness and emotion, what will you do when it all comes crashing down?
Author’s Notes: I’ve been a bit pissed off because I haven’t been able to finish ANY fic I’ve been working on so I thought I’d write this just because I hit a lil bit of inspiration so WOO.
Anyway, slightly depressing and sad, but read if you wish :)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ryan.
Hmm. Ryan. To anyone who doesn’t know the man properly, I guess you’d say he was a complete and utter cock. Maybe you like the sarky-ness. A lot of people can’t stand it. I however, can.
A lot of people say our humour is different. For sure, I am more random, and yes, Ryan’s humour seems to be a lot more blunt and sarcastic but we still think on the same brain wave. That’s why we love each other. He’s said to me many a time that I am the only person who can properly make him crack up, and you don’t know how happy that makes me. Ryan’s one of those people who is hateful towards emotion. He doesn’t like to show his weaknesses, hence his hard exterior. I know he has a soft side in there somewhere. Sometimes I can tell by the way he smiles, or the way he gets that twinkle in his eye. Sometimes the smile isn’t fake and sarcastic, sometimes it is soft and friendly. He is goofy, true, but you wouldn’t want to cross him. When he’s being his humorous idiot self, yes it’s funny, but when the sarcasm comes through, most people can’t tell if he’s joking or not.
I guess that’s why some people feel threatened by him. I can understand that. However I understand Ryan completely, therefore nothing he does scares me.
Well….really.
Although…I remember one time…
Ryan and Pat had just split up. Yes myself and Ryan are together. I was surprised at how well he had taken it, but then again Ryan never showed emotion. He deemed emotion weakness. Just one day I wanted to see emotion somewhere. But not like this. Not like what was about to happen.
It was one day.
Ryan had seemed funny. Not in a humorous way. In a strange, abnormal way. He’s always been a quiet man, believe it or not, but this time…it wasn’t normal. He was being too quiet. I had tried to talk to him but all I had gotten in response was the occasional nod, or just a swift look. It had been this way for near enough two months, but I hadn’t thought anything of it. Well ok I had, I’m not going to lie. But I thought if I had said anything, it would have caused an argument. So I had left Ry to himself.
But it was a couple of months down the line, on one particular day, Drew had called.
Ryan hadn’t gone to work on DCS.
This was peculiar. Ryan always turned up for work. He rarely missed it, in fact, he relished working. But this wasn’t good. Drew was panicking. He had informed he had phoned Pat too and Pat hadn’t heard a thing, which resulted in her worrying too…which had me starting to panic. We phoned Greg, to which Greg replied he hadn’t seen Ryan either. That, in turn, had Greg panicking too. So then we had tried to get hold of Ryan’s mom, see if he had gone to visit her. She said no.
But she did hand some information to me. Something which Ryan hadn’t told me, and in turn made me feel incredibly guilty for trying to bug him about why he was being so quiet.
Sonny, Ryan’s father, had died two weeks ago. He had gone to the funeral and hadn’t even told me, or anyone else. He had hid it from everyone. But it also made me wonder what else had happened to make Ryan so unhappy and quiet over the space of two months. I figured I had to go and find him. I jumped in my car without a second thought, trying to figure out where he would have gone. I decided the graveyard. He was obviously distraught, and he had told me many a time he liked walking through graveyards to clear his head. He had laughed when I said it creeped me out, to which he had responded “They’re coming to get you Barbara.”
How I missed that smile of his. I needed to find him.
Although I was panicking a lot at this point, it wasn’t the worst of the whole thing. No.
The worst thing was when I found him.
Ryan.
So tall, brave, rough around the edges. Hard outer shell to block out emotion, and a sarcastic nature to defend himself. All of that was gone.
What I saw in front of me was the wreckage of a man. Knees buried in thick mud from the heavy rain surrounding him, he was knelt in front of his father’s gravestone. He was completely sodden, eyes red from tears, hunched over as if in agony. It cut me deep. To see him this torn up, this utterly broken. And I hadn’t been able to do a damn thing. The look on his face when he noticed I was there was even more heartbreaking.
He actually looked disappointed and ashamed. But not at me. At himself. Disappointed that he had shown emotion, and ashamed at the fact I had found him this way. He physically turned away from me, fresh tears streaming his beautiful face.
“Col..” his deep voice croaked out weakly. He didn’t need to say anything else. I feel to my knees beside him, pulling him into a crushing hug, gripping the back of his hair, pushing him against my shoulder gently. I felt his weight lean into me, as if he was fully breaking apart, gripping to me for support. His fists gripped my jacket so tightly, his knuckles were snow white.
I held him tightly, saying nothing. If he wanted to speak, he could speak. If he didn’t, I’d stay silent for him. I didn’t want to question him. Although, I felt hurt he felt he couldn’t tell me what happened. He had hidden from this and was too wrapped up in trying to let everyone else carry on and be happy. He had hidden his pain so that he wouldn’t be noticed, therefore wouldn’t have to show emotion. But it had all been too much in the end.
“Col?” he croaked tearfully again. I rubbed his back gently, weaving my fingers into his soaked locks, stroking reassuringly.
“Talk to me.” I offered quietly, letting him know I’d be listening to him, being there for him. I felt him swallow hard, before his shaking voice returned with an answer.
“I..I’m losing everything…”
I frowned slightly, pulling back to gaze at him.
“Ryan-“
“Col..please..just let me speak.” He interrupted, pulling me tight again. I nodded, cuddling him close again.
“I’m losing everything. I’m not blaming anything on you…or on anyone else. Life is life..I just..I usually feel so in control..and now everything is changing. I’ve lost my family…my children are growing up…but they refuse to talk to me now…” I felt a pang of guilt. They had refused to talk to him since he had split up from Pat. Ryan sniffed, wiping his nose on his sleeve,
“Everything is coming to an end. Whose Line…DCS…even my Dad’s life…I..I just..I can’t deal with all of this Colin. It feels like everything is spiralling out of control, and it’s flying at break neck speed and..I..I can’t stop it…it’s just spiralling down and down…”
“Ryan look at me.” I pulled back, gently pulling his chin up so he could look me in the eyes. His beautiful jade eyes were red and innocent, tears dribbling down his already rain soaked skin. I cupped his jaw softly, gazing into his eyes.
“I will help you. I’ve always been here to help you. You’ve scared the hell out of all of us..Me, Greg, Drew, Diedrich, Pat…even the kids…your mother especially.” Ryan sniffed. I could tell he was feeling guilty for putting us through the panic, mostly for his mother. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt her more than she would be already.
“We’ll get help baby alright?..We’ll be okay…” I cuddled him tight again.
That memory never left my mind. Never has done and never will do.
Ryan’s better now. I got him help and now he opens up to me whenever he feels down. Although it’s only to me. He keeps up his hard man persona in front of others, but now I know for sure that Ryan is just a vulnerable and prone to hurt as the rest of us.
But I never want to see anything like that day again. So I make sure to tell him a joke every morning. Just enough to see that gorgeous, true, happy smile on his face, instead of the tears of pain and anguish that has plagued my mind since then.
Comments are love
xx