Falling Into Fervour: Chapter Six
Title: Falling Into Fervour - 6/6
Pairing: Colin/Ryan
Overall Rating: R
Chapter Rating: PG-13
A/N: The final installment. The song mentioned is Forgiven by Within Temptation, and this story is kind of dedicated to my Dad, who has moved to New Zealand for five years and whom I miss terribly. x
And now that some of life's demands are out of the way, I may finally get around to continuing Wrath and Emeralds, so look out for that. Thanks for reading!
~~~
Ryan awoke to the sight of sunlight flowing through the curtains, casting a bright yellow line across the room. He yawned and tried to stretch only to find he couldn‘t - Colin was sleeping in his arms.
Watching him sleep was something Ryan had rarely done, but now that he was doing so, he found it impossible to take his eyes off of that peaceful face or his chest rising and falling with each breath. He stroked Colin’s cheek lightly in admiration, wanting to kiss him, but he would most certainly awaken and Ryan didn’t want him to wake up. At least, not yet. The man was beautiful, and Ryan adored him so.
Vaguely, he was aware that today was the day he was supposed to be going back home and the day Colin was leaving the country. But after last night, there was absolutely no way he was going to let Colin go without a fight. He wanted to stay with his lover forever, steal him away and make a new life together in sunny Hawaii where no one could steal their dream.
Ryan sighed as his fantasy ran off, replaced by the reality that he had a family that were expecting him home within the next few days and Colin had already paid for this New Zealand house, fully intent on leaving. But if they parted now, Ryan knew he’d be lost, wandering around in the dark like a lone foal, in search of the true happiness he‘d had once. The fact that Ryan was to return to his old life all depended on if Colin was still leaving for his new one.
The older man murmured into Ryan’s shoulder, the vibrations of his voice tickling the sensitive skin as he slowly awoke. Ryan nuzzled him gently and softly blew on his mussed silver hair until his eyelids fluttered open, revealing those beautiful dark eyes.
“Good morning,” Ryan whispered with a light kiss to Colin’s forehead in greeting.
After waking up a little more, Colin beamed a radiant smile and sighed. “I really am waking up next to you, I’m not dreaming.”
“A dream come true.” Ryan chuckled quietly, cuddling closer to the other man with arms wrapped firmly around him. “So many dreams come true,” he whispered sincerely before rolling onto his back, pulling Colin along so that he was half on top, spread across the younger man‘s chest.
Colin’s fingers danced over the semi-tanned skin, sprinkled here and there with golden chest hairs that brushed smoothly under his palm. Ryan giggled at the light contact and caught the wandering hand in his own, squeezing it. “I‘m ticklish there.”
“You‘re so adorable when you're effectively helpless,” grinned Colin, resting his cheek upon a pectoral, close enough to hear the steady heartbeat, and brushing his lips against the ticklish area, exhaling as he did so. The taller man squirmed again, bringing Colin’s head up to his own.
“Quit it.”
“Make me.”
Those four words were all it took for the playful teasing to escalate into a full scale war: Wrestling on the bed, twisting, turning, tickling and laughing in an attempt at domination over the other. Light-hearted, of course, but that didn’t make it any less heated. It ended with Colin being pinned to the mattress by Ryan, wrists held securely by strong hands as he wriggled and bucked in a feeble effort to get free.
They stared at each other as they tried to catch their breath - Ryan still above Colin, straddling him and looking down at the flushed face a mere few inches away.
Once the breathing had evened out, Colin was first to speak. “Hey, Ryan…”
Ryan swallowed. “Yeah?”
“You said last night… you said you loved me. Did you mean it?”
Colin was searching Ryan’s eyes for an answer. He would leave for New Zealand, Ryan would return home and they’d not see each other again for a long, long time. But before he left, Colin just had to know if what they shared was not just a short-lived fantasy. He didn’t want to spend the rest of his life wondering, like the last time.
Ryan relaxed his body until every bit of flesh was meeting with his lover’s. Bringing his face closer, he replied. “Every word.”
It felt like Ryan was melting on top of him, like their beings were physically melding together in perfect union. “I meant it, too,” whispered Colin.
Ryan attacked him with a kiss that started at his mouth, soft and loving until his lips travelled along the jaw line and began to gently suckle and bite at the skin just under Colin’s ear. He hummed in approval, tilting his head in encouragement as Ryan continued to tease and please.
Colin’s eyes then caught sight of the bedside clock and realised that his flight would leave in a few hours and Ryan should‘ve left already. It was hard to concentrate on the consequences when Ryan’s lips had moved downwards to Colin’s shoulder and chest, attacking every available area with kisses and licks.
“Ryan…” Colin sighed, taking hold of his lover’s head and forcing him up. “Ryan, you should’ve left an hour ago.”
Ryan blinked and shook his head. “I‘m not going anywhere…” He came in again in order to finish what he’d started but Colin stopped him, sitting up in the bed so that Ryan was straddling his lap.
“No, Ry. They’re waiting for you,” Colin said plainly.
Looking away, Ryan knew that Colin was right. He loved his family very much and the mere thought of hurting them plagued his mind like a persistent headache. Moisture filled his eyes as he looked back at Colin and shook his head again. “But-”
“You’d never leave them for me,” Colin pointed out, bringing his hand up to cup the other man’s cheek. “I know you love them.”
“But… what about this?” Ryan picked up Colin’s other hand, clutching it almost in desperation, and placed it over his heart. “Colin, I love you…”
“And I love you, too. But this… this will just be a memory. Like before,” he replied solemnly and leaned in to kiss Ryan‘s tears away, tasting the bitter salt. They embraced, one in fear, the other in apology, and held on for dear life.
Colin pulled back but Ryan was reluctant to let go, sobbing quietly into the Canadian‘s bare shoulder. Colin whispered into Ryan‘s ear, voice quivering as he fought to hold back his own tears. “You have to go.”
~~~
They individually showered and dressed in a weighty silence that loomed over them like a dark storm cloud. The apartment atmosphere was dark and heavy despite the bright sunlight outside and there was more tension in the one room than there was in an elastic band, ready to spring and snap someone in the eye.
When the time finally came for Ryan to go, the two men stood near the door and held each other closely. It was inevitable that they were to part but neither really wanted to, needing the contact for as long as possible. Colin took the time to inhale Ryan’s scent and commit it to memory, knowing that is soothed him beyond measure. And Ryan concentrated on remembering the feel of Colin in his arms, holding him up as if not letting him fall. He was his rock, his barrier against the elements. And now, without him, he’d feel weak and helpless.
“Listen to me, Ryan,” Colin said as they pulled away, looking deep into emerald eyes. “I promise you that we’ll see each other again. I promise you.”
He nodded in understanding, swallowing back a lump in his throat. Ryan knew if he started crying again he’d never be able to stop. He’d remain strong, if not for himself, then for Colin. “I know.”
For a moment, neither said anything. They both looked at each other for a long span of minutes as what they were doing began to sink in.
“I’ll miss you,” whispered Colin as he linked hands with Ryan’s and became lost in his eyes. Ryan didn’t reply but let his actions speak more than his words, leaning in slowly to lightly touch his lips to Colin’s. They prolonged it, savoured it, until it broke silently. Colin had his eyes closed in concentration whilst Ryan fought the urge to grab him by the collar and crush their lips together, tongues duelling in a game of tonsil-hockey.
And then Ryan was gone.
Colin placed his head in his hands, sniffling into his palms quietly as the sound of Ryan’s footsteps faded away.
This is the right thing to do… he thought, forcing himself to believe it. The right thing…
~~~
Ryan drove and drove, the city of Toronto a mere disappearing image in the rear window of his car as he headed for Washington and home. There was no denying that there had been only one thought going through his head since he’d left, and all consequent thoughts seemed to revolve around or emanate from the remembrance of Colin.
How could he have something wonderful, something incredible and zealous and then have it all taken away? He’d followed the bait for years and finally caught it, only to find that it was poison, leaving a sickly feeling in his gut. He thought that Colin was his true love, he was certain of it as they kissed, as they embraced, as they made love…
All in all, he wondered why they had ended it. It was like England all over again but this time, there was much more at stake: Ryan’s family, Colin’s new lifestyle, all that formality and finality that made life so unpredictable.
He remembered the day they met thirty years ago in a dingy comedy club and even at their first glance across the bar, choked by cigarette smoke, Ryan could say that he had found someone special. Colin had hair back then, like shining waves of hazel that almost covered his dark eyes as if he were a rock child from the seventies. He looked beautiful.
Ryan’s memories hurtled through his mind like a speeding train; Vancouver, Second City, Whose Line, California. He thought back to the days on the Whose Line set and all that groping, flirting and kissing that were generally put down to very good acting. At the time, he guessed it was. But now he realised that it was all just a lead up to something more serious.
More pondering and soon his memories had returned to his recent stay in Toronto - the number of weeks that had guided him to his current state of nostalgic despair.
The beating he had received not long ago was spurred by his love and slight possession of Colin, and although he had promised not to stick up for him again, Ryan knew that he wouldn’t be able to hold back should the terrible event ever repeat itself. He remembered how Colin had taken care of him afterwards, the way he’d made sure Ryan got better no matter what it took or what the cost. The man positively glowed of generosity and Ryan had been awed by just how far he went to make sure his loved ones were comfortable and safe.
And then, Ryan’s three decades of recollection inevitably lead up to their last night together. As they embraced that night, he’d felt every burden on his shoulders just disappear to be replaced by the overwhelming sense of passion and lust that drove him to make love to the man he adored. And during the aftermath as they basked in each other’s heat and drifted off into sleep, he resolved never to let Colin go ever again, deciding right then and there that he’d stay with him until the day he died.
So what was he doing here in his car, driving away from Toronto?
The very easy answer to that simple question was because of his life back home, his family. He loved his children and his wife and he was going to return to them and live happily ever after. That’s what he was doing.
But as Toronto became a shining, distant memory, Ryan felt his heart being torn in two. It staggered his mind to think that the past few weeks had been the best he’d had in such a long time, not just because he’d discovered this new commitment to Colin but also because he’d been away from his life and found it far too easy to escape from.
Ryan sighed, staring at the long expanse of road that stretched before him as his tears threatened to emerge again.
Music was in the background and to his surprise, the radio was playing. He hadn’t even remembered turning it on but let it play none the less. Perhaps the sombre music would help to ease his mind and allow him to drive on without further mental predicaments. The next song began to play and Ryan half-listened to it as he concentrated on his driving.
Couldn't save you from the start
Love you so it hurts my soul
Can you forgive me for trying again?
Your silence makes me hold my breath
Oh, time has passed you by
For so long I've tried to shield you from the world
You couldn't face the freedom on your own
Here I am left in silence
You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that's done's forgiven
You'll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that's done's forgiven
The music was slow and flowing and Ryan couldn’t help but listen carefully to the lyrics as he began to cry.
I watched the clouds drifting away
Still the sun can't warm my face
I know it was destined to go wrong
You were looking for the great escape
To chase your demons away
For so long I've tried to shield you from the world
You couldn't face the freedom on your own
And here I am left in silence
He suddenly pulled over into a side road, the car stopping jerkily in silence as the lyrics of the song sank in. It was as if they were speaking to him and him alone, reminding him of what he‘d lost.
I've been so lost since you've gone
Why not me before you?
Why did fate deceive me?
Everything turned out so wrong
Why did you leave me in silence?
You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that's done's forgiven
You'll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that's done's forgiven
He reached over slowly and turned off the radio without even looking at it. He was staring ahead at nothing as tears rolled down his face and his chest hitched in gasping sobs. That one song had just shown him the light, telling him of what he‘d left behind and why he felt the way he did.
Ryan scrubbed at his face with a sleeve as realisation gave him a kick up the backside. He looked at the deserted road, in the direction he was meant to be going and then in the direction he had just come from. He was at the crossroads now; one way lead to morals whilst the other lead to his heart.
After a long time of agonizing thinking, Ryan finally made his decision. Putting on a brave face, he shifted gears, put his foot down and sped off down the street in his chosen direction, intent on reuniting with someone…
~~~
Colin pulled up outside the airport, trying his best not to cry as he gathered his suitcase and various other bits and pieces from the passenger seat. All the while, he continued to have a debate in his mind, arguing with common sense.
I’m going to New Zealand, I’m going to be happy. I love him, but… no. This is the right thing to do.
He found his plane ticket amongst the items and paused, looking at the details it displayed. Today’s date, his name, the airline logo, the words ‘New Zealand’ and ‘one way’.
One way.
Why was it that those two words had all of a sudden become so terrifying? How can a standard flight suddenly become so difficult?
He relaxed in his car seat, rubbing his face with a sweaty hand and brushing away the moisture on his cheeks. Ryan was on his mind, quite predictably, and he simply couldn’t stop thinking about those gorgeous eyes or the charming personality that he‘d turned away.
Colin thought about their night of passion, about how Ryan had proved his love so flawlessly, so amazingly. How he’d taken every care and how he was so gentle and romantic, even in the heat of the moment. And then he remembered just how it felt to wake up to that beautiful face, smiling over him, adoration and trust in his eyes. Just the way he’d held Colin that morning, like a faithful guardian angel, had made Colin fall so completely and deeply in love that he feared he‘d never get out - not that he really wanted to.
He looked over and saw the planes taking off, whisking people away to places unknown, knowing that he’d be amongst them soon leaving for a new, better life. But a happier one? He wasn’t sure.
The radio was on, volume turned down low, and the air of a soothing song filled his car. In the near silence, Colin could vaguely make out the tune and he swore his heart momentarily stopped beating. Turning up the volume, his instincts were right: It was exactly the same song that he and Ryan had slow-danced to the previous night. It was as if fate had requested songs for the radio that morning, intent on driving the pair back together.
Ryan had held him, made him feel safe and warm and loved until they were no longer dancing but standing in each other’s arms as time passed them by; it was one of the few times in his life that Colin had ever felt truly at peace. But now he’d lost it, the familiar inner turmoil had returned.
Colin leaned forward until his forehead connected with the top of the steering wheel and breathed a long shuddering sigh, the music giving him images of Ryan, happy and beautiful, in his mind. The familiar sting of tears was back and this time they attacked harder than ever.
What do I do? he thought in despair. A rhetorical question, since he knew exactly what to do.
Reaching up, his trembling hand found the car keys, still sitting securely in the ignition slot. It all hung in the balance if he removed the keys or turned them. New life or heart’s desire?
There was, of course, no competition.
~~~
Ryan walked bleakly back into Colin’s apartment. But by now, he’d thought of it more as his and Colin’s apartment.
Or rather, nobody’s apartment.
Searching the place, he was distressed to find that Colin had already gone. The bags and suitcases that were left by the door had disappeared and the rooms still held the pregnant tension of what had been left unsaid.
Too late… Ryan thought sadly as the tears continued to fall. Colin was gone from his life and he never fought to keep him, never protected him like he vowed that he would that morning. This, amongst other things, shattered his heart until the pieces dissipated into the empty void where love used to reside.
Shuffling into the bedroom, Ryan collapsed onto the double bed, the one that he and Colin had shared only a few hours ago and began to openly cry as his distress was released. He breathed in the scent from the covers; a mixture of Colin and himself. Ryan hated himself for being so weak, for not fighting, for generally being stupid and cursed under his breath as he continued to cry himself to an inevitable sleep.
He hugged the duvet close, filling the empty space in his arms as he fell into this desperate nightmare.
~~~
Colin was holding onto the edge for dear life, his body dangling over a dark, desolate chasm. Ryan was standing near, terrified, helpless, desperate.
Colin called for him once, twice, and Ryan tried to move in to save him, hold him, love him, keep him safe and stop this nightmare, determined that he wouldn’t lose the man he loved again.
“Ryan…”
Ryan’s feet were moving, sprinting, but he was going nowhere. If only he could just reach out, grab Colin’s hand…
“Ry, save me. I can’t…”
Rock was crumbling, fingers slipping, hope shattering. Ryan could see him falling, insanity calling, teetering on the precipice of the abyss. Colin falling and falling, darkness consuming him, pulling him deeper, voice fading away.
And then Ryan was gone; descending also into insanity after the love of his life, shouting, crying, calling, falling deeper and down…
~~~
It wasn’t long until Ryan awoke screaming, curled up on the bed with his face resting against a wet pillow, stained by his tears. He sighed when he realised just what he was doing there and how far he‘d come only to miss out on true happiness.
Ways of escaping flashed briefly through his mind; submerged in the bath, a hairdryer in one hand, a knife in the other and red water gradually covering his pale, peaceful face.
He dismissed these thoughts immediately, deeming them ridiculous. Suicide was a person’s last resort. Sure, he’d fallen, but he hadn’t lost. Not completely. But for now, he’d dwell depressed for a little bit longer.
The sound of the front door opening shook him from his sleep-induced trance and he froze, wondering what was happening. The noise of what sounded like bags dropping to the floor then followed and Ryan began to speculate who the hell it was, disturbing his privacy. Next, he heard a sniffle as if the person had been crying. This just puzzled him more and more, prompting him to get up and walk quietly towards the door to the living area.
Lastly, he heard a sigh.
There was no voice to accompany that sigh, but Ryan knew immediately who it was. So many years of friendship had made it impossible to miss that tone. He swung the door open and stepped out, gasping at the sight before him.
Colin, pale and tired, was standing there, bags at his feet and mouth agape in complete shock. It was clear that neither expected the other to be here as they both had similar stunned expressions on their faces. Ryan had to physically pinch himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming whilst Colin couldn’t stop blinking in surprise.
“Colin?”
“Ryan?”
They spoke at exactly the same time. Their synchronised chemistry was back; the room brightened from the revealing sunlight that suddenly flowed in through the windows.
They almost ran to each other, although there remained but a few feet apart by that time. Instantly, Ryan cupped Colin’s face in his hands and kissed him hard, tenderly caressing his skin whilst Colin’s arms came up to wrap around Ryan’s neck for support and encouragement.
The kiss went on for a while, the way a kiss between to star-crossed lovers would, before they eventually broke, panting quietly and holding each other close in amongst the jumble of emotions they both shared.
“Oh my God, it’s really you,” Ryan said as he stroked Colin’s cheek, pressing their foreheads together.
Colin smiled, looking up into his lover’s eyes. “It’s really me. I’m here.”
“Col, I can’t go back. I can’t leave you…”
“I know, Ry,” Colin assured with a nod. “I couldn’t go either, not without you, without this.”
Ryan kissed him again, their tongues being reacquainted, as he knew that he was finally where he wanted to be.
“Colin, I love you,” he whispered when they broke.
“I love you, too, Ryan. I‘ll never leave you again, I swear…”
The sincerity in their voices was palpable as they embraced, Colin burying his face into Ryan‘s neck and Ryan holding the shorter man so tightly against him that he‘d soon start to bruise.
“So listen,” Colin began, pulling back slightly and resting his forehead against Ryan’s again. “I probably won’t be moving now, so I was wondering… if you perhaps wanted to move in with me?”
For the first time in so many hours, Ryan smiled. “I think I’d love that,” he replied whilst still stroking Colin’s face. “I think I’d really, really love that. But what about the house in New Zealand?”
Colin’s hands had found their way into Ryan’s thick hair and were brushing through it soothingly whilst he stared admiringly into beautiful green irises. “That doesn’t matter anymore. Anywhere I go, I’m home if you are there beside me.”
Sharing a smile, they locked lips one more time and Ryan was finally at peace. He’d been led through hell and back, through sorrow and euphoria and pain. And now here he was, holding the love of his life in his arms, happy and secure, and knew that he wouldn’t want it any other way.
And for Colin, it was the same. Ryan was everything he’d dreamed, everything he’d wanted and he vowed never to break his heart again. Ryan was his castle and in return, Colin would never allow Ryan to get hurt. They’d face trials but as long as they stood by each other, they’d see it through no matter what. And as he led his tall lover into the bedroom, it became so strikingly clear to both of them.
When you’re falling into fervour, no matter where you are, there’ll always be someone there to catch you.
Always.
~FIN