Seldom Second Chances (8.5/13)
Title: Seldom Second Chances
Author: Clay
Pairing: Ryan/Colin
Rating: NC-17 (for later chapters)
Summary: When a freak accident drops an impossible opportunity in Ryan's lap, it's up to him to decide whether to squander it, or to change his fate by going after the one thing he's always wanted.
Word Count: ~1800
Prompt & Author's Notes: Again, for the Thon Prompt 33: Strangled by the red string. This scene didn't really fit with the last chapter or the next, but it's not long enough to be it's own chapter, so it's 8.5. I feel like I have the weirdest chapter numbering conventions for this story. :P As always, betaed by asuka14.
Further Author's Notes: Okay, so here's the thing-before now, this story was written out; I just needed to type and edit it. Now, however, I'm actively writing, so I'm going to need more time between chapters for most (if not all) of the rest of the story. So my question for anyone reading this is: would you rather I post a full chapter every other week, or I post every week, but a smaller, half chapter, like I'm posting today? Thank you in advance for your input, and I hope you enjoy this week's smaller offering. :)
Chapter 8.5
Like the previous day, Ryan had no ultimate destination in mind. They drove north along the 101 for over 20 minutes in silence, just appreciating the cool breeze along the California coast. Scrubby hills bordered one side of the highway, and a massive expanse of sparkling blue ocean bordered the other.
Ryan leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes as he took a drag on his cigarette. The acrid smoke mixed with the salty sea air, and it reminded him of home.
“Throw in some firs, and this would be heaven.”
“Hm?”
Ryan opened his eyes, only mildly disappointed to see California’s landscape stretching before them instead of Washington’s lush, green offering. Even the seaside highways up north were cut through dense forests, the trees growing nearly to the water. The salt water mixed with the scent of the evergreens, and it was strange and wonderful, and suddenly Ryan was achingly desperate to get back there.
“Did you say something?” Colin asked.
Ryan stared at the sparse, brown hills along the road side and shook his head. He felt like everything was overwhelmingly yellow just then-barren and sickly. “No. Just thinking out loud.”
“Are you all right?”
“Just wondering where we’re going.”
Colin gave a little snort of a laugh. “And where might that be, anyway?”
Ryan closed his eyes again. “We could go to Washington.”
“But we won’t,” Colin replied firmly. “We already talked about this, Ryan. No crazy stuff.”
“You said you wanted me to go home, didn’t you?”
That seemed to shut Colin up. He was quiet for a long moment-long enough for Ryan to get curious. He opened his eyes and turned to look at him. Colin was staring straight ahead, a thoughtful look furrowing his brow. Ryan waited for him to speak, but he seemed deep in thought, and eventually Ryan had to prompt him.
He leaned over and nudged Colin with his elbow. “Hey. Didn’t you?”
Colin started, sucking in a short, sudden breath. “Oh, right, yeah. I just...” He gave Ryan a brief, somber look. “When did you move to Washington, Ryan?”
Ryan stared at him. Shit. Right. He wasn’t in 2013 anymore. When had he moved to Washington? Had that not happened yet? He wracked his brain, trying to remember the year or how old the kids had been or any other indicator he could think of. Suddenly it clicked, and he let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.
“Last year,” he said confidently. “But we’re making the move permanent this summer.” He frowned. “We were making the move. Now I don’t know what we’re doing.” He frowned at that, looking away. More and more he was realizing how good he’d had it before he’d come back here and screwed things up. It wasn’t perfect, and he hadn’t been truly happy, but the idea of being separated from his children was pure torture. But that train of thought led him back to his dream-living with Mackenzie and Colin-which led him to another thought.
He looked back to Colin curiously. “Didn’t I tell you when I got the house?”
Colin glanced to him briefly before looking back to the road, his expression inscrutable. “No, I mean yes, you told me.”
“But you forgot? You never forget stuff like that.
“Hell,” Ryan continued with a short, mirthless laugh, “you never forget anything.”
“I didn’t forget,” Colin argued. “It’s just…been a while.”
“It’s been like a year.”
“That’s a while.”
“Not really,” Ryan said, looking him over. He was sure Colin could feel his gaze, but his eyes stayed firmly on the road.
Colin kept his silence for another few minutes, and Ryan continued to watch him. It was like a mental game of chicken-seeing who would give in first.
With a sigh, Ryan conceded. “Is there something else going on here?”
Colin blanched. Ryan smiled. Bingo.
“What else would be going on?”
“I’m not sure…” Ryan began. He’d finished his cigarette during the previous conversation, and now he lit another. Leaning forward, he twisted his body until he was fully facing Colin.
“It’s dangerous to sit that way,” Colin commented, throwing him another glance. Ryan ignored him.
“You seem distracted.”
Colin rolled his eyes at that. “Well, things have been pretty stressful lately.”
Ryan still wasn’t taking the bait. “No,” he said, scooting forward to stare more intently into Colin’s face. “That’s not it. It’s something else. It’s-”
Something suddenly occurred to him. He remembered the conversation he’d had in Raleigh Studio's back lot with Deb before this whole crazy journey had begun. The memory was fuzzy at best, indicating that it probably wasn’t going to happen anymore, but apparently it was possible enough that Ryan could still remember it. Or at least he could remember what he'd felt at that time-the distinct possibility that Colin and Deb’s marriage wasn’t as happy as Ryan had always assumed it was.
“Are you happy?” he asked suddenly.
Colin seemed startled by that. He took his eyes off the road for more than his customary fraction of a second to give Ryan a very confused look. “What? Of course I am!”
“Of course,” Ryan echoed, just on the edge of sardonic. But despite his tone, Ryan wasn't really sure what to think. He could only remember the feeling he got from talking to Deb, not her exact words. Maybe they really were fine, or maybe whatever had made them unhappy hadn’t happened yet.
But then Colin spoke again, and Ryan’s doubt started to fade.
“Why wouldn’t I be happy?” he asked, looking back to the road and sounding more than a little bit defensive. “I have a family, a career that I love, money…”
“All the same things I have,” Ryan agreed.
Colin gave him another quick look, but it seemed he’d run out of things to say.
“Okay then,” Ryan said, twisting around to face front in his seat again. He tapped the accumulated ash from the tip of his cigarette out the cracked window. “Say you could change anything about yourself. Or any decisions you had made. If you could change one thing, what would it be?”
Colin frowned, shaking his head slightly. He wouldn’t look at Ryan now. “I don’t know.”
“No, really, think about it,” Ryan insisted. He tossed the rest of his cigarette, then twisted around to face Colin again, giving him his full attention. “Maybe you would have…I don’t know…taken a job or a class or…or told someone you loved them before they got away.”
“I-who?” Colin blurted out, and Ryan could swear he was blushing now, but the bright California sun left him seeing red splotches wherever he looked, so it was hard to tell for certain.
Still he grinned, tilting his head to one side. “Who, indeed?” he asked.
Colin threw him a frustrated glance. “What?” At Ryan’s continued smirk, he shook his head, then looked back to the road, and Ryan was positive he was blushing now. “No. No one. I just-you said-no. Just no. There’s no one else. I love my wife.”
Colin obviously wasn’t going to spill, but Ryan was only mildly disappointed. He'd get it out of Colin eventually. “Okay, got it,” he acquiesced. “No lost loves, but that doesn’t mean there’s not something else. There’s always something-some regret or some path you wish you’d taken. Just to see what was at the end.”
He paused then, thinking of his own past, of bawdy, drunken nights with the troupe up in Vancouver and then later Toronto. He remembered stumbling home with Colin, each draped over the other as they stumbled down the sidewalk, too drunk to stand on their own. He thought of late night conversations they’d have over yet more beer or a joint or whatever else they could get their hands on. They’d find themselves talking for hours, and even confessing things they’d never dare tell their girlfriends…but in all those nights had he really confessed anything that mattered?
He gave a small, wry smile, looking off at the sun bleached horizon. “Just to see if saying something would have made a difference.”
“Not me,” Colin argued quietly. “I wouldn’t change a thing.”
Ryan wasn’t giving up on him yet. “It could be anything,” he argued-begged was probably a better word, but he wouldn’t let himself think it. “If you could change your life just for one day...if you could have one thing, what would it be?”
Colin didn't hesitate. “Freedom.”
Ryan snapped his mouth shut, startled speechless.
Colin looked over to him again, and once more his face was unreadable. Then he closed his eyes, took a breath, and turned back to the road.
“I love Deb,” Colin said, almost a whisper. “I love Luke. I love them both more than anything in the world, but sometimes I wish...I wonder...I don't know. That I hadn't gotten married so soon, I guess? I feel like I missed out on...on something. Maybe if we had waited to have Luke, I could have focused more on my career...” He shook his head. “No...no, I'm happy with my career. I know I'm not as big as I maybe could have been, but I did damn well for myself. I guess there are just...things...things I could have experienced if I didn't have to worry about taking care of my family.” He glanced back at Ryan briefly. “Like you said, I could have told people things. Just to see if it would have made a difference.”
Ryan watched him intensely. In all honestly, he hadn't thought Colin would give him an answer, much less that one.
“Freedom,” he echoed quietly, and Colin shrugged.
“Kind of what you're doing now, isn't it? With this road trip?”
Something clicked in Ryan's mind, and he smiled. “You mean what we're doing now.”
Colin looked at him again, warily now, like he wasn't sure he wanted to know what was going on in Ryan's mind. “Ryan...”
“Where are we?” Ryan suddenly asked, turning around to peer out the window.
While they'd talked, the sparse surroundings had given way to trees, houses, and noise barriers. A road sign up ahead pointed to an exit for “Downtown,” and he realized they must have entered a city. “Take the next exit!” he said, pointing.
Colin frowned, but he started to merge right nonetheless. “Nothing crazy,” he said. “You promised.”
“I did,” Ryan agreed, turning to grin at Colin. “But I never said no freedom.”
He looked back out the passenger's side window, smiling from ear to ear. “Freedom,” he said, almost to himself, “I can do.”
To be continued...
Author: Clay
Pairing: Ryan/Colin
Rating: NC-17 (for later chapters)
Summary: When a freak accident drops an impossible opportunity in Ryan's lap, it's up to him to decide whether to squander it, or to change his fate by going after the one thing he's always wanted.
Word Count: ~1800
Prompt & Author's Notes: Again, for the Thon Prompt 33: Strangled by the red string. This scene didn't really fit with the last chapter or the next, but it's not long enough to be it's own chapter, so it's 8.5. I feel like I have the weirdest chapter numbering conventions for this story. :P As always, betaed by asuka14.
Further Author's Notes: Okay, so here's the thing-before now, this story was written out; I just needed to type and edit it. Now, however, I'm actively writing, so I'm going to need more time between chapters for most (if not all) of the rest of the story. So my question for anyone reading this is: would you rather I post a full chapter every other week, or I post every week, but a smaller, half chapter, like I'm posting today? Thank you in advance for your input, and I hope you enjoy this week's smaller offering. :)
Chapter 8.5
Like the previous day, Ryan had no ultimate destination in mind. They drove north along the 101 for over 20 minutes in silence, just appreciating the cool breeze along the California coast. Scrubby hills bordered one side of the highway, and a massive expanse of sparkling blue ocean bordered the other.
Ryan leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes as he took a drag on his cigarette. The acrid smoke mixed with the salty sea air, and it reminded him of home.
“Throw in some firs, and this would be heaven.”
“Hm?”
Ryan opened his eyes, only mildly disappointed to see California’s landscape stretching before them instead of Washington’s lush, green offering. Even the seaside highways up north were cut through dense forests, the trees growing nearly to the water. The salt water mixed with the scent of the evergreens, and it was strange and wonderful, and suddenly Ryan was achingly desperate to get back there.
“Did you say something?” Colin asked.
Ryan stared at the sparse, brown hills along the road side and shook his head. He felt like everything was overwhelmingly yellow just then-barren and sickly. “No. Just thinking out loud.”
“Are you all right?”
“Just wondering where we’re going.”
Colin gave a little snort of a laugh. “And where might that be, anyway?”
Ryan closed his eyes again. “We could go to Washington.”
“But we won’t,” Colin replied firmly. “We already talked about this, Ryan. No crazy stuff.”
“You said you wanted me to go home, didn’t you?”
That seemed to shut Colin up. He was quiet for a long moment-long enough for Ryan to get curious. He opened his eyes and turned to look at him. Colin was staring straight ahead, a thoughtful look furrowing his brow. Ryan waited for him to speak, but he seemed deep in thought, and eventually Ryan had to prompt him.
He leaned over and nudged Colin with his elbow. “Hey. Didn’t you?”
Colin started, sucking in a short, sudden breath. “Oh, right, yeah. I just...” He gave Ryan a brief, somber look. “When did you move to Washington, Ryan?”
Ryan stared at him. Shit. Right. He wasn’t in 2013 anymore. When had he moved to Washington? Had that not happened yet? He wracked his brain, trying to remember the year or how old the kids had been or any other indicator he could think of. Suddenly it clicked, and he let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.
“Last year,” he said confidently. “But we’re making the move permanent this summer.” He frowned. “We were making the move. Now I don’t know what we’re doing.” He frowned at that, looking away. More and more he was realizing how good he’d had it before he’d come back here and screwed things up. It wasn’t perfect, and he hadn’t been truly happy, but the idea of being separated from his children was pure torture. But that train of thought led him back to his dream-living with Mackenzie and Colin-which led him to another thought.
He looked back to Colin curiously. “Didn’t I tell you when I got the house?”
Colin glanced to him briefly before looking back to the road, his expression inscrutable. “No, I mean yes, you told me.”
“But you forgot? You never forget stuff like that.
“Hell,” Ryan continued with a short, mirthless laugh, “you never forget anything.”
“I didn’t forget,” Colin argued. “It’s just…been a while.”
“It’s been like a year.”
“That’s a while.”
“Not really,” Ryan said, looking him over. He was sure Colin could feel his gaze, but his eyes stayed firmly on the road.
Colin kept his silence for another few minutes, and Ryan continued to watch him. It was like a mental game of chicken-seeing who would give in first.
With a sigh, Ryan conceded. “Is there something else going on here?”
Colin blanched. Ryan smiled. Bingo.
“What else would be going on?”
“I’m not sure…” Ryan began. He’d finished his cigarette during the previous conversation, and now he lit another. Leaning forward, he twisted his body until he was fully facing Colin.
“It’s dangerous to sit that way,” Colin commented, throwing him another glance. Ryan ignored him.
“You seem distracted.”
Colin rolled his eyes at that. “Well, things have been pretty stressful lately.”
Ryan still wasn’t taking the bait. “No,” he said, scooting forward to stare more intently into Colin’s face. “That’s not it. It’s something else. It’s-”
Something suddenly occurred to him. He remembered the conversation he’d had in Raleigh Studio's back lot with Deb before this whole crazy journey had begun. The memory was fuzzy at best, indicating that it probably wasn’t going to happen anymore, but apparently it was possible enough that Ryan could still remember it. Or at least he could remember what he'd felt at that time-the distinct possibility that Colin and Deb’s marriage wasn’t as happy as Ryan had always assumed it was.
“Are you happy?” he asked suddenly.
Colin seemed startled by that. He took his eyes off the road for more than his customary fraction of a second to give Ryan a very confused look. “What? Of course I am!”
“Of course,” Ryan echoed, just on the edge of sardonic. But despite his tone, Ryan wasn't really sure what to think. He could only remember the feeling he got from talking to Deb, not her exact words. Maybe they really were fine, or maybe whatever had made them unhappy hadn’t happened yet.
But then Colin spoke again, and Ryan’s doubt started to fade.
“Why wouldn’t I be happy?” he asked, looking back to the road and sounding more than a little bit defensive. “I have a family, a career that I love, money…”
“All the same things I have,” Ryan agreed.
Colin gave him another quick look, but it seemed he’d run out of things to say.
“Okay then,” Ryan said, twisting around to face front in his seat again. He tapped the accumulated ash from the tip of his cigarette out the cracked window. “Say you could change anything about yourself. Or any decisions you had made. If you could change one thing, what would it be?”
Colin frowned, shaking his head slightly. He wouldn’t look at Ryan now. “I don’t know.”
“No, really, think about it,” Ryan insisted. He tossed the rest of his cigarette, then twisted around to face Colin again, giving him his full attention. “Maybe you would have…I don’t know…taken a job or a class or…or told someone you loved them before they got away.”
“I-who?” Colin blurted out, and Ryan could swear he was blushing now, but the bright California sun left him seeing red splotches wherever he looked, so it was hard to tell for certain.
Still he grinned, tilting his head to one side. “Who, indeed?” he asked.
Colin threw him a frustrated glance. “What?” At Ryan’s continued smirk, he shook his head, then looked back to the road, and Ryan was positive he was blushing now. “No. No one. I just-you said-no. Just no. There’s no one else. I love my wife.”
Colin obviously wasn’t going to spill, but Ryan was only mildly disappointed. He'd get it out of Colin eventually. “Okay, got it,” he acquiesced. “No lost loves, but that doesn’t mean there’s not something else. There’s always something-some regret or some path you wish you’d taken. Just to see what was at the end.”
He paused then, thinking of his own past, of bawdy, drunken nights with the troupe up in Vancouver and then later Toronto. He remembered stumbling home with Colin, each draped over the other as they stumbled down the sidewalk, too drunk to stand on their own. He thought of late night conversations they’d have over yet more beer or a joint or whatever else they could get their hands on. They’d find themselves talking for hours, and even confessing things they’d never dare tell their girlfriends…but in all those nights had he really confessed anything that mattered?
He gave a small, wry smile, looking off at the sun bleached horizon. “Just to see if saying something would have made a difference.”
“Not me,” Colin argued quietly. “I wouldn’t change a thing.”
Ryan wasn’t giving up on him yet. “It could be anything,” he argued-begged was probably a better word, but he wouldn’t let himself think it. “If you could change your life just for one day...if you could have one thing, what would it be?”
Colin didn't hesitate. “Freedom.”
Ryan snapped his mouth shut, startled speechless.
Colin looked over to him again, and once more his face was unreadable. Then he closed his eyes, took a breath, and turned back to the road.
“I love Deb,” Colin said, almost a whisper. “I love Luke. I love them both more than anything in the world, but sometimes I wish...I wonder...I don't know. That I hadn't gotten married so soon, I guess? I feel like I missed out on...on something. Maybe if we had waited to have Luke, I could have focused more on my career...” He shook his head. “No...no, I'm happy with my career. I know I'm not as big as I maybe could have been, but I did damn well for myself. I guess there are just...things...things I could have experienced if I didn't have to worry about taking care of my family.” He glanced back at Ryan briefly. “Like you said, I could have told people things. Just to see if it would have made a difference.”
Ryan watched him intensely. In all honestly, he hadn't thought Colin would give him an answer, much less that one.
“Freedom,” he echoed quietly, and Colin shrugged.
“Kind of what you're doing now, isn't it? With this road trip?”
Something clicked in Ryan's mind, and he smiled. “You mean what we're doing now.”
Colin looked at him again, warily now, like he wasn't sure he wanted to know what was going on in Ryan's mind. “Ryan...”
“Where are we?” Ryan suddenly asked, turning around to peer out the window.
While they'd talked, the sparse surroundings had given way to trees, houses, and noise barriers. A road sign up ahead pointed to an exit for “Downtown,” and he realized they must have entered a city. “Take the next exit!” he said, pointing.
Colin frowned, but he started to merge right nonetheless. “Nothing crazy,” he said. “You promised.”
“I did,” Ryan agreed, turning to grin at Colin. “But I never said no freedom.”
He looked back out the passenger's side window, smiling from ear to ear. “Freedom,” he said, almost to himself, “I can do.”
To be continued...