(no subject)
The TV buzzed with lively conversation from a talk show that neither man was paying attention to and the neighboring kids were screaming murder at each other, also known as ‘playing.’
Colin, without taking his eyes off of the book he was reading, placed his hand on Ryan’s knee, hoping he would take the hint and have a break from the never-ending leg bouncing.
They’d been sitting on that couch for the better part of the afternoon, and while dinner time was getting closer, neither of them felt like getting up to do anything about that.
"Why are we still using this couch?" Ryan said, poking at a hole in the upholstery that was usually hidden beneath a strategically placed blanket.
"Never got around to buying a new one, I suppose?" Colin replied, eyes still on his book. "It’s just a couch."
The decision to turn their lives upside down and move in together was taken in haste. Not because they hadn’t taken time to think about it, but rather because they’d thought about it a bit too much. It turned into a ‘now or never’ situation that neither man wanted to back out from anymore. In their hurry to find a place to live in, Ryan remembered of an acquaintance who owed him a favor. They got this place already furnished and brought in some spare furniture they both had from their old homes too. It was supposed to be a temporary solution. The plan was that once they settled in and were done with divorce papers and other such things, they’d look for a new place or they would at least buy some new furniture. So they kept on saying, but procrastination and a relatively busy touring schedule meant their house still looked like a mismatched patchwork of sorts.
"It’s got several cigarette burns and at least two weird stains. I don’t even want to think about what the previous owners were doing on it."
"Certainly nothing we haven’t already done on it as well."
"Ugh," Ryan said, scrunching up his face. "That’s exactly my point."
"Don’t worry about it. It’s been dry cleaned and disinfected," said Colin, chuckling at Ryan’s disgust.
"We need a new couch."
~
"I’m hungry."
"Mmm."
"Dinner?"
"Mhmm"
"Are you helping?" Colin asked, raising an eyebrow in amusement, certain that his partner hadn’t heard a word he’d said.
Ryan’s eyes were focused on the TV screen but he wasn’t paying attention. He was lost in thought, worried out of his mind. Claire, his youngest daughter, would be visiting the following day and staying over for the weekend. Colin knew he was nervous. It didn’t take a genius to figure it out. All the leg bouncing, spacing out, poking holes on the stupid couch. But he’d pretend everything was fine whenever Colin asked him about it.
'Hey, Ry?”
Ryan saw a hand being waved in front of his face and his thoughts were cut short. He looked up to see Colin standing in front of him, smiling. He smiled back.
"What is it?"
"I was asking if you’re gonna help with dinner."
"Sure," he said, accepting the hand Colin offered to pull him up from the couch.
~
“So what are we cooking for Claire tomorrow? You said she’ll be here around noon, right?” asked Colin while they were eating, and Ryan nearly choked on his water.
"We? We’re cooking together?"
"Aren’t we always?"
Ryan nodded and decided he had to try turning the nervousness down a notch. For a second there he assumed that Colin wouldn’t be interested in helping-his daughter, his problem-but that was hugely unfair to Colin, and Ryan knew he would never think like that. His nerves were making him slightly paranoid.
"Pizza?" he suggested.
"Does she like pizza?"
"Every kid likes pizza, Col."
"Yes, Ryan. So do most adults. But does your kid like pizza? I thought maybe you’d want to cook her favorite, you know?"
"Oh, do you think she’ll like us more if we cook her favorite?"
"She already likes you, Ry. You’re her father."
"Yeah. I meant us, you know, this," he said, making a vague gesture with his hand to indicate that he meant Colin and himself, living together in this house as a couple.
"I don’t think food will help much with this, Ry," Colin said, offering a sad smile.
Ryan nodded. “But maybe.” he said, feeling determined to make things work.
"Yeah, maybe." Colin agreed.
They were happy. After all these years of always thinking there was something missing, that something was slightly off, that they really should be doing something about the way they were feeling for each other, they were finally happy. Most of the time, at least. No one could be happy all day, every day. But they were content.
It had been six months since they moved in together, and things were going a lot better than either of them had been expecting. The kids’ feelings and reactions had been the only serious problem they had faced and the only thing that put them down.
Things were beginning to get better but the situation was still far from perfect. Between their children, Luke seemed to have taken it easier than the rest. He was the first to recover from the shock and the first to get used to the idea that his father and Ryan were now a couple. He had already visited them on several occasions and stayed over for a couple of days each time. Now Claire was going to visit as well. As for Sam and Mac, while they had gone back to talking to their father and not fleeing the area when he visited, it would still be some time before they accepted it.
"I called Luke last night, asked him if he could come over tomorrow. He’ll be here between three and five, he said. Couldn’t find an earlier flight."
"Huh? Why? Is something wrong?" Ryan asked, still toying with his food.
"No. I just, I thought it would help. Claire seems to like him and he’s a lot more comfortable around us. Wouldn’t harm her seeing that."
Ryan nodded but didn’t say anything. He liked Luke and he was proud of how quick he’d adapted to the situation. He hoped his kids would soon follow suit because seeing them act cold and hostile towards him really hurt.
"Remind me to thank him tomorrow," he said, turning around to look at Colin, who had taken his empty plate to the sink and was now leaning on the counter, looking at him.
He looked back down at his plate and accepted defeat. He just wasn’t hungry anymore and moving everything around wouldn’t make the food any more appetizing.
He went to get up, to put his plate on the sink as well but Colin put a hand on his shoulder to keep him down and started moving everything to the sink himself.
They always cooked together, set the table together and, after their dishwasher broke down, they did the dishes together as well. The rest of the housework took some debating and often they just paid someone to do it for them, especially when one or both of them were on tour, but they both loved cooking and being in the kitchen.
This time, Colin did the dishes himself and left Ryan alone with his thoughts on the table.
Once he was done, he went next to him and put an arm around his shoulders. Ryan immediately leaned towards him.
"Hey," Colin said. "You don’t have to be so nervous. I’m sure everything is gonna be fine tomorrow."
"I just wish we could have done this without hurting them like this, Col," Ryan said, looking up at him.
"I know, I know. Me too." Colin could see worry and sadness in Ryan’s eyes. But he could also see determination and love, when he looked at him.
Colin wrapped his other arm around him as well and Ryan buried his head on his chest.
"I love you," he mumbled.
"I love you, too," Colin said, leaning to kiss Ryan’s head. Ryan’s hair had been steadily thinning on the top, but as he was quick to remind Colin when they were bantering during their improv scenes together, he still had a lot more left than Colin.
"Aisha will have to start shaving her head soon, if she wants to fit in with the rest of the cool kids," Colin said, trying to change the mood, and Ryan grinned.
~
A car pulled up outside their house around noon the following day, and Colin went to open the front door just in time to see Ryan’s youngest daughter coming through the gate. His oldest was driving away, not even sparing a look towards the house.
He winced mentally but put on a smile for the child that was walking towards him. He thought she looked a little nervous. She wasn’t the only one. Ryan hadn’t really slept well and he had been incredibly irritable the entire morning, pacing up and down the house, not being able to sit or stand still for more than a few seconds. They even nearly had a fight while cooking and that never happened.
"Hello, Claire."
"Hi, Uncle Colin," she replied, giving him a quick hug.
Unlike Ryan’s older kids, Claire hadn’t seen him as often while she was growing up. She always knew who he was and she had met him on a few occasions but she wasn’t as familiar with him as the other two. Colin thought this was why she seemed to be taking this a little easier.
Their two families used to spend a lot more time together when the kids were little, and he knew Mac and Sam thought of him as a real uncle who they loved and trusted. In their eyes, Colin felt, it must have looked like personal betrayal.
"Was that your sister?" Ryan asked, stepping outside and giving his daughter a big hug and a kiss and letting her know how much he had missed her.
"Macky told me to tell you that she was busy and couldn’t stop at all," Claire mumbled the moment they got inside, clearly not used to lying to her dad like that.
"I could have gone outside to see her if she’d waited for a few minutes. I thought it was your mother who was going to drive you here."
"She was busy…" she said, her voice trailing off.
"Her, too?"
Claire shrugged awkwardly, looking at her feet. She did not seem very happy to be stuck in the middle between her family.
Ryan sighed, feeling a little lost for a second. Colin threw him a sympathetic look, trying to figure out how to alleviate the tension that was building up.
"How about I show you where you’re sleeping tonight while your dad sets the table?"
Claire nodded and followed Colin upstairs.
"Luke helped us decorate the room but any suggestions for improvement are welcome. You’re all welcome to come stay here with us whenever you want, though I’m afraid we only have two extra beds so far," Colin explained to her.
"Oh, I’ve missed Luke," she said relieved that they weren’t talking about her family anymore. "How is he?"
"He’s doing fine. As a matter of fact you’re in luck, he’s coming over sometime this afternoon. He couldn’t get a morning flight so he’s going to miss lunch," Colin explained, happy with Claire’s mood shift.
She and Luke had only met a couple of times, but they got along famously. They had even talked on the phone a few times when Luke was visiting them and she had called to speak to her father.
~
By the time they sat down to eat lunch, Claire seemed a lot less nervous, and Ryan tried his best to avoid broaching any subjects that would force her to lie about her siblings. As much as he wanted to know what Mac and Sam were doing, and whether they were getting used to the current circumstances or thinking at all about visiting, interrogating his youngest daughter was not the way to go about it.
"I missed your cooking, Daddy," she said when she was done eating, and Colin would have sworn that Ryan was about to excuse himself and go have a cry in the bathroom. He fake coughed to mask his reaction and Colin patted him on the back, finding it kind of adorable.
"Do you want to see photos of the dog we’re adopting?" Colin asked, grabbing his cell phone. "Your dad told you about that on the phone, right?"
"Isn’t she here?"
"I’m sorry, honey," Ryan told her. "The shelter said we can pick up her on Monday. No one has asked for her and she’s practically ours, but the official waiting time won’t be over till then."
"But we can drive there to see her this afternoon if you want," Colin said, before the disappointment fully settled on her face.
They had come across the dog on a stormy day when Ryan was picking up Colin from the airport. It was cowering, scared, and drenched to the bone near the street. Thinking it might be lost and hurt, they stopped to check it out and took it to a shelter. The dog had no collar or microchip, and none of the missing dog descriptions matched its appearance. Ryan said he would pay for all veterinary costs and everything the dog needed till an owner was found, but then he got a call letting him know the dog was pregnant. He was informed that the shelter’s policy was either to give the dog an abortion or to put down pregnant dogs and their puppies-something about resources being low, not being able to raise them, and pregnant dogs not really being considered easily adoptable.
Ryan nearly pitched a fit on the phone and said they were not to do anything to the dog or the puppies. He and Colin agreed to adopt it and take it home just as soon as the waiting period was over. He had told his daughter on the phone about it but spared her the details about the shelter’s policies.
"So what is her name?" Claire asked.
"Ah…" Ryan said, and Colin laughed.
"Well. Her name is, umm, her name is Jeff," Colin said, poker face back in place.
"Jeff? Like your friend Jeff?" she asked, looking from one man to the other, slightly confused.
"Exactly like our friend Jeff!" Ryan said.
"But she’s female, right? You said she’s pregnant, dad, didn’t you?"
"She definitely is. And we’re calling her Jeff." Colin added.
"But, why?"
"Well…" It was Colin who tried to explain, because Ryan couldn’t stop giggling. "Well, frankly, she looked just like him. That’s all. Once we looked at her and realized that, the name kinda stuck. And now she’s Jeff," he concluded, giving her a ‘what can you do’ look.
Claire still looked a little confused, but accepted it. She’d had pets with weirder names before.
"Mom said I can keep one of the puppies once they’re old enough," she said.
"Of course," Ryan said, smiling at her. The last time he had spoken to Claire on the phone, she’d said that after informing her mother about the puppies. Pat said she’d help with finding homes for them.
Ryan knew that Pat would never speak or interact with him ever again if it wasn’t for the children. He didn’t blame her. But she had always loved animals a lot, and he appreciated her offer to help. Of course, he knew it was for the sake of their daughter and for the puppies that she was doing it, and not for him, but it still made him think of her with some kind of fondness.
When they came back from the shelter, Luke had already arrived and was waiting for them in the porch, playing with his phone.
"Hey, Claire," he greeted, after she had run to him excitedly when she saw he was there.
"We need to get you a key," Ryan said, tossing him his own set and letting him unlock the door.
~
"I think this movie was too boring even for Claire," said Luke, pointing at the girl who was awkwardly slumped on the arm chair, breathing peacefully.
After having a later dinner, they had gathered together to watch a movie in the living room. Trying to find something all four of them would enjoy naturally resulted in a pick all four them thought was terribly tedious. However none of them complained, just in case someone was actually enjoying it.
Claire was the first to lose the battle and fall asleep.
Ryan intended to carry her to bed, like he did when she was younger, but she stirred while he tried to pick her up and insisted she was old enough to walk to the room herself.
Luke, who had made plans to go out and meet some friends, followed after her to grab some clothes from his bag. They would both be sleeping in the same room and he didn’t want to disturb her again after she’d fallen asleep.
~
"Hey, guys," Luke announced his presence in the kitchen, where Ryan and Colin were clearing the table and preparing to wash the day’s dishes.
"Hey," Colin replied and smiled at him.
"Did Claire go to sleep? I’ve never known her to go to bed so early," Ryan said.
Luke nodded. “She told me she was too anxious to sleep last night so she was pretty tired actually.”
"Did she, umm, did she say anything else?" Ryan asked, a little nervous.
"Like what?" Luke said, feigning ignorance.
"Luke."
"She did say a few things, but they’re confidential. I promised her I won’t tell," he said after his dad’s admonishment.
Ryan sort of deflated a bit and Colin looked at him and then back at his son, silently pleading him for some more information.
"It’s okay," he said. "Most of the things she said were positive. You didn’t hear it from me but she and Mac agreed that if she didn’t feel comfortable, she’d call her and they’d come up with an excuse for her to leave. However, she told me she had a very good time today and doesn’t want to go just yet."
“Thank you,” Ryan said, relief coloring his voice. “Thank you for telling us, and thank you for coming here to help. We really appreciate it.”
"Umm, right, no problem," Luke said, feeling a little embarrassed to be thanked so earnestly for something he thought anyone would do.
Despite things not going exactly the way he’d always assumed they would, he loved his father, and he liked Ryan and his children. He just wanted everyone to be happy.
~
"Do you ever miss Deb?" Ryan asked, seemingly out of nowhere while they were doing the dishes, long after Luke had left to meet his friends.
Colin was caught unaware but didn’t want to show his surprise, in case it made Ryan drop the subject. This had never come up before, and he wanted to know what Ryan meant.
"Hmmm, do you ever miss Pat?"
"No," the reply came a bit too fast. "Also, I asked you first.”
Colin chuckled. “I don’t believe you.”
A few moments of silence passed, Colin washing the dishes, passing them on to Ryan who dried them and put them in the cupboards.
"I think it’s only normal," Colin said, when Ryan was about to accept he had dropped the subject. "I do think of Deb sometimes, and I do miss her. You and I spent so many years of our lives with them. I wish we’d opened our eyes earlier, I wish we hadn’t made the stupid mistake to ignore and deny our feelings for so long, but we did it and this can’t be changed. I’ve spent more than twenty five years of my life with Deb, you’ve spent even more with Pat. It would be a bit unrealistic to expect us not to think of them, not to miss them."
Ryan nodded, but realized that Colin couldn’t see him as he was facing the other way.
"Okay," he said out loud. "I thought it was just me."
"It’s not just you." Colin turned around to look at him and gave him an encouraging smile, in case he wanted to share anything else.
They went back to the dish washing and drying routine, Colin slowing down with the process significantly. He had a few more things to say and he’d rather say them there, while they were still doing something and keeping their hands occupied. Somehow it made it easier.
He cleared his throat, knowing that Ryan could easily read his nervousness but not really caring.
"You can tell me when you’re nervous or worried about something, you know," he started, "or when you’re having doubts. As a matter of fact, you should tell me. I know we’re both counting a lot on being able to read each other’s minds, so to speak-“
Ryan interrupted him by laughing at this, and Colin chuckled as well.
"I know, right?" he continued. "Even between the two of us, there are actually things we need to communicate with words."
He paused again, wondering how to continue. It was something he had been wanting to say for a while, but couldn’t.
"And Ryan…" He took a deep breath. "If you ever think you want to leave-to go back to Pat, or anyone else-if you just want to leave…just… just promise me that you’ll tell me and that I won’t have to guess or to wonder or-“
"I don’t want to go back to Pat," Ryan said, stepping closer to him.
He put his arms around Colin and turned the faucet off. Colin had been done with the dishes while he was speaking, but he had still let the water run on his hands.
"I don’t want to go back to Pat, or to anyone else," Ryan added, hugging Colin tight from behind and leaning his head on Colin’s shoulder. "There’s no one else in the world I’d rather be with. There’s no place in the world I’d rather be, not unless you’re with me."
"Okay." Colin nodded and leaned back into Ryan’s arms, smiling.
He remembered what Ryan told him on their first day in this house, when they sat next to each other, scared out of their minds, thinking of all the risks they were taking, but at the same time tremendously happy.
“Sometimes, sometimes I wonder if this is the biggest mistake I’ve made in my life. But most of the times, I feel it’s the only right decision I’ve ever taken.”
Colin had a feeling that those words would stay with him for a long time.
The day was nearly over, and despite its several ups and downs, both men felt content and happy. They were exactly where they wanted to be and things were mostly okay. They’d work together to fix everything else as best as they could.
"We should definitely go to bed now, I’m tired," Ryan whispered in Colin’s ear, snuggling against him.
Colin laughed, then turned around and gave him a chaste kiss on the lips. “It’s a good thing you’re tired,” he said, knowing full well that Ryan did not mean it, “’cause sleeping is all you’re going to do tonight. Do I need to remind you that your daughter is sleeping next to our room and that sound proof walls aren’t really a thing in this house?" he added when he saw Ryan’s confusion.
Ryan followed Colin upstairs, groaning. “We really need to look for a new house.”