Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Schu
Okay, so in this conversation I ended up creating a spoof on Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail. Afterwords, I decided to expand it and post it here. So, enjoy. ^_^
Oh, and just to warn you...this is pure crack. ~_^
D
Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Schu
The sound of multiple pairs of coconuts being clapped together rhythmically can be heard in the distance. From over the rise come several men shuffling and hopping at the same time. All of the men are in bright colors; some men have flags rising stately from their belts. They approach a castle.
ARTHUR: holds up a fist to signal a halt. Hail, good castle!
KNIGHTS: Hail!
CASTLE GUARD: Hail!
ARTHUR: Hail!
KNIGHTS: Hail!
CASTLE GUARD: Hail!
ARTHUR: Hail!
KNIGHTS: Hail!
CASTLE GUARD: [to another guard] Do they only know one word?
GUARD: shrugs
ARTHUR: Hail good castle!
GUARD: snickers [to castle guard] Apparently they are talking to the stone and not us.
CASTLE GUARD: So it would seem.
ARTHUR: May I speak with your Lord?
CASTLE GUARD: Who is calling?
ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, King of the Britains.
CASTLE GUARD: King of the Who?
ARTHUR: The Britains.
CASTLE GUARD: I've never heard of any Britains.
GUARD: Sounds like Witchcraft to me.
There is movement of the…horses…below.
ARTHUR: The great people of Britain are not Witches.
CASTLE GUARD: You must be. You have coconuts. Only Witches have coconuts.
ARTHUR: That is not true! The swallows brought the coconuts.
GUARD: Swallows?
ARTHUR: Yes. Swallows. African Swallows.
CASTLE GUARD: But that does not explain who these so-called Britains are.
ARTHUR: The Britains are people who live in Britain.
CASTLE GUARD: Where?
ARTHUR: Don't you know the country you live in?
CASTLE GUARD: Of course I do. We are in Germany not some Britain.
Arthur's Knights murmur amongst themselves.
ARTHUR: What sort of evil place is Germany?
CASTLE GUARD: Evil? You call us evil? You who ride in upon coconuts, coconuts that were brought by African Swallows that only Witches can have? It is you, sir, that are the evil one.
GALAHAD: Do you have the Holy Grail?
GUARD: That worthless piece of rusting junk? We did. We gave it to the French.
ARTHUR: The French? Those insulting infidels?
CASTLE GUARD: Uh…yeah?
ARTHUR: How could you give God's most holy relic to the French?
CASTLE GUARD: It was quite easy, really. We just handed it to them, they said thank you, we said your welcome and they went away.
ARTHUR: Come, brave Knights. Our Quest continues.
Arthur and his Knights turn away from the castle and gait away, the sound of coconuts announcing their progress.
CASTLE GUARD: Hey! Wait! Come back! You never told us what Britain is!
Arthur and his Knights…um…ride, I guess…into a forest. The forest seems very familiar to Arthur. It is filled with neatly manicured shrubberies of different heights with small paths winding tastefully between the shrubberies.
ARTHUR: We cannot be in this Germany, we must be in Britain.
LANCELOT: Well, sir, we have traveled a long way, through many dangers and one movie already. It would not be impossible.
ARTHUR: No…I suppose not.
TALL KNIGHT: Halt!
Arthur and his Knights halt with a clatter of coconuts in front of several barbaric looking Knights who seem very familiar to Arthur.
TALL KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say Ekke Ekke Ekke Ptang Zoo Boing. You must complete a task for us in order to pass!
KNIGHTS: A task! A task!
ARTHUR: Wait! I know you. You were the Knights Who Said Ni.
TALL KNIGHT: Well, yes. At one point. But we have not been those Knights for quite some time now.
ARTHUR: Where are we, Knights Who Say…um…Knight Who Used To Say Ni?
TALL KNIGHT: We are in Germany!
KNIGHTS: Germany, Germany!
ARTHUR: Where were you when you were the Knights Who Said Ni?
TALL KNIGHT: We've always been in Germany.
GALAHAD: God works in mysterious ways, sir.
ARTHUR: What, good Knights, do you wish of us.
TALL KNIGHT: holds up a Herring. To cut down--
ARTHUR: [cuts Tall Knight off] As I told you last time, it is impossible to cut down a tree with a fish!
Knights cower at the word 'it'.
TALL KNIGHT: Not that word again! No!
ARTHUR: What is it?
KNIGHTS: Ah!
TALL KNIGHT: We cannot hear that word!
ARTHUR: Which word is it?
Knights cower and call out in pain.
LANCELOT: Is it 'tree'?
Knights cower in pain.
GALAHAD: Is it 'which'?
Knights cower some more.
ROBIN: Is it 'fish' or is it 'is'?
TALL KNIGHT: No! We cannot hear that word! That word burns, oh how it burns!
Knights cower and put up a general ruckus when their leader says the forbidden word.
TALL KNIGHT: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! [falls]
ARTHUR: Well, this is a waste of our time…again. We have our Quest and we must finish it!
More ruckus and noise.
ARTHUR: Knights of the Round Table! Let's go.
Arthur and his Knights move off away from the writhing Knights.
ARTHUR: I swear, they have an unnatural obsession with herrings and shrubberies.
As Arthur and his Knights ride through the plains, the clouds gather and lightening strikes and explosions can be seen in the near distance. Suddenly, the clouds part and God shows his face.
GOD: [sighs] This again? Didn't I do this last movie?
ANIMATOR: pokes God in the butt with a pen
GOD: [yelps] Hey!
ANIMATOR: starts to poke God again
GOD: Alright, already. I get the point. [clears throat dramatically]
Arthur and his Knights have stopped and dismounted? and bend low to the ground paying homage to their Lord.
GOD: Arthur.
ARTHUR: kowtowing uh...yes sir?
GOD: [scowling] Oh stop that you ninny. Stand up straight. You are a King after all.
ARTHUR: straightens but keeps face averted Yes sir. Absolutely sir.
GOD: [growls] Can't even look at me and they wonder why I get pissy and call forth floods.
ARTHUR: looks God in the eye er...yes sir?
GOD: Good. [pause] Arthur.
ARTHUR: Yes sir?
GOD: I have a Quest for you.
ARTHUR: [orgasmically happy] A Quest sir? Another one? Would it be anything like the other Quest, sir?
GOD: [considers] Well...er...I...uh...Sure!
ARTHUR: [happily] Oh goodie, sir. That last Quest was a bloody good time, sir!
GOD: Well...er... [pause] Arthur.
ARTHUR: Yes sir?
GOD: The Quest is for you to find Schuldig.
ARTHUR: [confused] Schuldig sir? What is a Schuldig?
GOD: Not a what but a who. Schuldig is...well...er...uh...Schuldig! [looks pleased with himself]
ARTHUR: [worriedly] This Schuldig....its not French, is it?
GOD: No. Schuldig is German. Not French. [shakes head] Where did you get that idea?
ARTHUR: shrugs, looks relieved No idea, really. Just...well, it's the French, sir. They are...well... [affronted] They called my mother a hamster, sir!
GOD: Didn't you know? You're mother is a hamster.
ARTHUR: [pause] oh. [pause] well then.
TIM: points in a random location at which a large explosion occurs Get on with it.
ARTHUR: Or what you silly sod?
TIM: Or I shall sic the Rabbit after you.
ARTHUR: cowers Not the one with the teeth. makes claw with hand and holds it at his mouth
ROBIN: Oh dear, I soiled my armor again.
TIM: [looks smug]
KNIGHTS WHO SAY EKKE EKKE EKKE PTANG ZOO BOING: Move on, ni!
HISTORIAN: And so, God gave King Arthur his new Quest. The Quest to find Schuldig. Little did he know that he would encounter much danger and much hardship along the way and neither he nor his brave Knights of the Round Table would be near enough to get close to this most holy Quest.
FARFARELLO: Ni! Ni ni ni ni ni ni ni! [grins]
CRAWFORD: I foresee that Sir Robin will run away and this winter King Arthur and his Knights will eat the minstrels and there will be much rejoicing.
KNIGHTS: [dispiritedly] Yay.
ARTHUR: How does he know that?
GOD: Because he is the Oracle.
ARTHUR: You mean that he is more all-seeing then you my Lord?
GOD: [looks abashed] well, er...yes. He is Crawford. [whispers conspiratorially to Arthur] He is mighty, that one.
ARTHUR: can this Crawford help me to find Schuldig?
GOD: [looks away] ask Tim.
TIM: after blowing up a good 15 random things Find the Oracle and you will find the Schuldig.
ARTHUR: Well, you aren't much help, are you?
TIM: points at the Rabbit's cave
ARTHUR: runs away Run away! Run away!
KNIGHTS: Run away!
Schuldig lounges in the mouth of the Rabbit's cave. Tim stares after the retreating Arthur and his Knights and shrugs.
SCHULDIG: Hey, Farf!
FARFARELLO: Can't you see I'm busy?
SCHULDIG: Want a Rabbit?
FARFARELLO: looks up and grins How could I say no?
NAGI: Well, this should be amusing.
CRAWFORD: The Rabbit and Farf?
NAGI: [considers] Well, I was thinking that this King Arthur trying to find Schu would be amusing, but watching Farf run from the Rabbit should be as well.
FARFARELLO: runs from Rabbit
RABBIT: chases Farf
SCHULDIG: Well, since this will take a while...calls Yohji
YOHJI: [puts down flowers] Heh, sorry guys, but I forgot that I have this really really really really really hot date in a bit. Scuse me. runs out door
AYA: scowls
KEN: sighs No fair. How come Yohji always gets the hot chicks?
OMI: shakes head When did he say he was meeting a girl?
KEN: chokes
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin
ROBIN: cowers
NARRATOR: Oh, get up, you.
ROBIN: whines Do I have to?
Narrator draws in large disfigured monster. Monster chases Robin. Robin screams like a girl and runs away.
ROBIN: What is it? Oh, make it stop!
NARRATOR: It is ß.
ROBIN: And what the bloody hell is ß?
NARRATOR: It is what is chasing you right now you nimrod.
ß continues to chase Robin.
Arthur and his Knights -- minus Sir Robin, who is still being chased by ß -- come up to another castle.
CASTLE GUARD: Who goes there?
ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, King of the…uh…Germans, apparently.
CASTLE GUARD: You are a long way from home, then King Arthur.
ARTHUR: I am? I mean, yes! I am. Where am I?
CASTLE GUARD: You are in Japan.
ARTHUR: dumbfounded Japan.
CASTLE GUARD: Yes. Japan.
LANCELOT: Um…When did we get to Japan?
GALAHAD: shrugs
ARTHUR: Could you tell me, good sir, where might I find the Schuldig?
CASTLE GUARD: cowers It is ill to speak that name. He can kill with a thought. He is evil. None know him, for all who do know him die.
LANCELOT: Sounds like a happy fellow, doesn't he?
ARTHUR: stares
GALAHAD: points into the distance Look! It is the holy Grail! I see the light! It is there! Rushes off.
LANCELOT: Wait! But we're not after the Grail…oh dear. Runs off after Galahad.
ARTHUR: Do you know where we might find the one with the name we shall not speak?
CASTLE GUARD: He is with Crawford.
ARTHUR: And where might I find this Crawford?
CASTLE GUARD: Tim knows. You can find him at the top of the Tokyo Tower.
ARTHUR: Tim.
CASTLE GUARD: Yup! Tim.
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Galahad
GALAHAD: [to Narrator] You're not going to let Lancelot ruin my fun again...will you?
NARRATOR: laughs
GALAHAD: pouts
Galahad throws himself desperately at the door of the castle. The Grail beacon has since disappeared.
GALAHAD: Open up! Please! I know all of you fine women are in there! No! Wait! I mean the Grail! Yes, that's it! The Grail is in there!
The door opens and there stands a young nubile man.
GALAHAD: The Grail? It's here! I know its here?
MAN: in a soft and vulnerable voice Oh, poor Knight. You must be tired from your journey. Please. Come, we will take care of your every need.
GALAHAD: Oh, finally!
Galahad eagerly follows the skimpily dressed young nubile man into the castle.
MAN: We have eagerly awaited a strong dominant Knight to ease us and pleasure us through the night. Will you be him?
GALAHAD: grins Oh yes. Fear not. I will do my duty to you.
MAN: flutters about dramatically Oh, good. My brothers and I have waited long. We are already prepared.
LANCELOT: I will save you Sir Galahad!
GALAHAD: Oh no. That's quite alright. Save me and I'll send you back to the Swamp Lord.
LANCELOT: [winces] But--
GALAHAD: I'm sure that you'll be happy with the...[gestures] huge tracks of land.
LANCELOT: [looks green] Not really...
GALAHAD: Oh, I know all about your dalliances with that musical boy.
LANCELOT: claps hands over Galahad's mouth Now look here! You must remain pure!
GALAHAD: [muffled] Why?
LANCELOT: Because the only way to ensnare a Schuldig is with a virgin.
GALAHAD: [blushes] I hope he's cute at least...
LANCELOT: drags Galahad out of the whorehouse
Meanwhile…
SCHULDIG: feeds popcorn to Yohji I'm definitely amused!
NAGI: Told you.
FARFARELLO: chases Rabbit
RABBIT: runs from Farf
KEN: So, Schuldig, is all of that true about you and virgins?
SCHULDIG: scowls and feeds Yohji more popcorn
CRAWFORD: [polishes glasses] Yes, Ken. It is true. It's the only way.
KEN: [to Schuldig] then why are you with Yohji?
SCHULDIG: [shrugs] Cause he is hot and is entertainment until I find my Virgin.
KEN: Why are you so hung up on this Virgin?
SCHULDIG: [pauses] Don't know. That's just what the script says.
KEN: oh.
FARFARELLO: screams and runs from Rabbit
RABBIT: attacks Farf and chases him
OMI: I'm placing my money on the Rabbit.
AYA: Nope. I'm betting on Farf.
CRAWFORD: You will both lose.
Lancelot and Galahad attempt to catch up with Arthur.
LANCELOT: Why were you going after the Grail, Galahad?
GALAHAD: Because I saw it.
LANCELOT: But you know that is not our Quest anymore.
GALAHAD: twists his fingers Well, um…yes. But…
LANCELOT: What?
GALAHAD: I just want to get laid!!! Wails on Lancelot's shoulder
LANCELOT: There, there.
Meanwhile…
ROBIN: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
ß: AAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!
ROBIN: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
ß: AAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!
ROBIN: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
ß: AAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!
RABBIT: runs away from Farf
FARFARELLO: laughs madly while chasing Rabbit.
ß: upon seeing Farf AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
On top of the Tokyo Tower, Arthur, Lancelot, Galahad and the other Knights watch Tim approach. Tim gestures a few times and more stuff blows up. There is applause. The Knights look around to see where the applause comes from. They cannot find it.
ARTHUR: Tim. We meet again, good sir.
TIM: remains silent.
ARTHUR: I know you are a busy man…
TIM: remains silent.
ARTHUR: Look here you bloody kineugget! You've already done this to us. I demand as Arthur, King of the Germans…or whatever, that you help us find the Schuldig!
TIM: If you find the Oracle, you will find the Schuldig.
ARTHUR: Well, yes. You told us that already. How will we manage to capture this Schuldig once we find him?
TIM: Schuldig can be ensnared by a Virgin.
ARTHUR: A Virgin?
TIM: He will become enraptured.
ARTHUR: er…well…yes. [to his Knights] Do we have a virgin among us?
LANCELOT: Galahad, sir!
GALAHAD: Finally! Thank the good Lord.
ARTHUR: Okay, then. Now, Tim. Where might we find this Schuldig?
TIM: There is a flowershop. You will find your path to the Oracle from there. You must seek out the man with blood for hair. He will show you the path.
ARTHUR: Can you, good sir, show us this flowershop?
TIM: Yes. Follow me.
Tim turns away, takes one step and whirls around to face Arthur and his Knights. He scowls at them dramatically, warning flashing from his eyes.
TIM: But! Beware Knights! For guarding the flowershop is a creature so foul, so cruel, so evil and nasty that not one single Knight or Suitor has managed to fight it and live. There is an entire organization that exists solely to clean up the carcasses of these naïve souls that try to tangle with this foul, dangerous creature. Do not doubt your bravery, Knights! For if there is doubt in you than you will surely die a horrible, nasty, vicious, tortuous death. Be sure of your valor, Knights for you will meet nothing in this world that is more evil, more cruel, more terrifying than this creature that guards that flowershop! Be courageous, Knights! Or you will meet your doom with big nasty pointy teeth.
ARTHUR: We stand warned, good Tim. This time we heed your warning well.
TIM: nods in satisfaction Good. Follow me.
Tim, Arthur and his Knights approach the flowershop. Tim hides behind a car.
LANCELOT: Oh, look, my liege. The man with blood for hair. I see him!
ARTHUR: Right. I will seek him out and find this path to the Oracle.
TIM: No! Wait! The creature! It's here!
Aya-chan brings the hose out front to water the plants.
GALAHAD: That girl?
TIM: Yes. She is vicious. Beware, for she has killed better men than you.
Suddenly, Robin appears running for his life, screaming at the top of his lungs. Behind him comes ß, running for its life and screaming at the top of its lungs. Behind ß comes Farf and behind Farf is the Rabbit. Aya-chan calmly aims her hose at ß. ß dies viciously and horribly. Farf and the Rabbit run off into the distance while Robin takes shelter behind Lancelot.
ARTHUR: She won't hurt us. She left Robin alone, see.
Arthur stands and steps toward Aya-chan who scowls and aims her hose at him.
ARTHUR: Run away! Run away!
KNIGHTS: Run away!
Arthur and his Knights run away from Aya-chan who looks very satisfied with herself.
AYA: pokes his head out of the shop. Aya-chan, what was all of that racket about?
AYA-CHAN: Nothing, big brother, just keeping the fangirls away.
AYA: Oh, thank you.
While Arthur and his Knights regroup…
KEN: So, how long has Yohji been into guys?
OMI: Ken! It's so obvious! He totally plays for the home team.
KEN: How long have he and Schuldig been doin' it?
OMI: They haven't.
KEN: With Yohji's rep? Yeah right.
OMI: shrugs Yeah, well, they haven't.
AYA: We're going to Crawford's. Farf is so gonna win.
OMI: No, the Rabbit is mightier than Farf.
KEN: But! But! Yohji!
YOHJI: What, Kenken?
KEN: blushes Nothing.
YOHJI: Are we there yet? I have a surprise for Schu.
KEN: Yeah, I bet you do.
YOHJI: smirks
Arthur and his Knights come up with a foolproof plan to get past the foul and cruel Aya-chan. When they arrive in front of the flowershop to enact their plan, they realize that no one is home. They walk right inside.
ARTHUR: Well, that was easy.
LANCELOT: tucks a daisy behind Galahad's ear You got that right. I thought it would be much harder.
ARTHUR: Now, we just need to find the path to the Oracle.
Galahad finds a note addressed to Aya-chan that invites her to join everyone at Crawford's house and gives the address.
GALAHAD: Arthur! My Lord! Here.
Arthur reads the note, makes a triumphant noise and is off. His Knights follow.
At Crawford's house, Aya and Omi watch Farf and the Rabbit, Schu and Yohji snuggle on the couch, Nagi is eternally amused by all of the goings on while Ken tries to catch up and Crawford watches everything again.
KEN: So, Schu. Is the sex with Yohji great?
SCHULDIG: [pauses] We...uh...haven't had sex.
YOHJI: I'm a Virgin.
KEN: chokes
SCHULDIG: [looks shocked] You...you...you're...WHAT??????
YOHJI: [looks smug] I'm a Virgin.
SCHULDIG: But, but, how??? You're rep, man! How?
YOHJI: Just because I go out every night and tell all sorts of dirty raunchy jokes doesn't mean that I'm banging everybody.
SCHULDIG: grins You are a Virgin.
YOHJI: Yup.
SCHULDIG: drags Yohji into a bedroom
CRAWFORD: You better change the sheets, Schu, or you are buying me a new bed!
SCHULDIG: makes an affirmative sound
KEN: still choking
CRAWFORD: Well, I guess Arthur won't complete his Quest...again.
NAGI: You didn't need to be a Seer for that.
FARFARELLO: chases the Rabbit
RABBIT: runs from Farf
AYA: Told you, Omi. Your money is mine!
CRAWFORD: You will both lose.
The door slams open and in rushes Arthur and his Knights.
ARTHUR: Crawford! Oracle! I demand to be taken to the Schuldig.
SCHULDIG: [muffles] Oh fuck, Yohji!
RABBIT: scampers behind the TV, turns and springs out at Farf
FARFARELLO: runs from Rabbit
CRAWFORD: It is too late, King Arthur. Schuldig has already been ensnared. You're Quest will remain unfulfilled.
ARTHUR: Take me to this Schuldig, I will fight whichever hussy dares to take him from me. Mine is a holy Quest. A verdict handed down to me by God.
FARFARELLO: stops abruptly. The Rabbit slams into his legs. God you say?
RABBIT: hops onto Farf's shoulder and hisses at Arthur and his Knights
Schuldig appears looking awfully rumpled. He heads into the kitchen.
ARTHUR: Schuldig! That was Schuldig! The holy Schuldig!
Arthur and his Knights rush into the kitchen where Schuldig is piling whipped cream and chocolate sauce on the counter.
ARTHUR: Schuldig, we have been appointed by God to find you.
Schuldig ignores Arthur and his Knights, instead, gathering up his stuff and bouncing merrily back into Crawford's bedroom where Yohji awaits. Arthur and his Knights watch him go.
GALAHAD: Now I'm never going to get laid!
LANCELOT: There, there.
Farfarello and Rabbit attack Arthur and his men.
ARTHUR: Run away! Run away!
KNIGHTS: Run away!
Arthur and his Knights run away back to…Germany.
CRAWFORD: [to Omi and Aya] Told you.
Later…
KEN: Who would have guessed that Yohji was a virgin?
OMI: I thought that I had Yohji pegged, but he had me with that one.
AYA: smirks
FARFARELLO: sleeps contentedly with one arm around Rabbit
RABBIT: sleeps on Farf
CRAWFORD: counts money
SCHULDIG: grins
YOHJI: passed out
ARTHUR: [pouts] Hey God?
GOD: What?
ARTHUR: Will I ever complete a Quest?
CRAWFORD: No, but you will give us much amusement.
GOD: I'm with Crawford.
FARFARELLO: mumbles in sleep Ni.
The End.
Oh my God. Where does this stuff come from?????
^_^
D
Oh, and just to warn you...this is pure crack. ~_^
D
Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Schu
The sound of multiple pairs of coconuts being clapped together rhythmically can be heard in the distance. From over the rise come several men shuffling and hopping at the same time. All of the men are in bright colors; some men have flags rising stately from their belts. They approach a castle.
ARTHUR: holds up a fist to signal a halt. Hail, good castle!
KNIGHTS: Hail!
CASTLE GUARD: Hail!
ARTHUR: Hail!
KNIGHTS: Hail!
CASTLE GUARD: Hail!
ARTHUR: Hail!
KNIGHTS: Hail!
CASTLE GUARD: [to another guard] Do they only know one word?
GUARD: shrugs
ARTHUR: Hail good castle!
GUARD: snickers [to castle guard] Apparently they are talking to the stone and not us.
CASTLE GUARD: So it would seem.
ARTHUR: May I speak with your Lord?
CASTLE GUARD: Who is calling?
ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, King of the Britains.
CASTLE GUARD: King of the Who?
ARTHUR: The Britains.
CASTLE GUARD: I've never heard of any Britains.
GUARD: Sounds like Witchcraft to me.
There is movement of the…horses…below.
ARTHUR: The great people of Britain are not Witches.
CASTLE GUARD: You must be. You have coconuts. Only Witches have coconuts.
ARTHUR: That is not true! The swallows brought the coconuts.
GUARD: Swallows?
ARTHUR: Yes. Swallows. African Swallows.
CASTLE GUARD: But that does not explain who these so-called Britains are.
ARTHUR: The Britains are people who live in Britain.
CASTLE GUARD: Where?
ARTHUR: Don't you know the country you live in?
CASTLE GUARD: Of course I do. We are in Germany not some Britain.
Arthur's Knights murmur amongst themselves.
ARTHUR: What sort of evil place is Germany?
CASTLE GUARD: Evil? You call us evil? You who ride in upon coconuts, coconuts that were brought by African Swallows that only Witches can have? It is you, sir, that are the evil one.
GALAHAD: Do you have the Holy Grail?
GUARD: That worthless piece of rusting junk? We did. We gave it to the French.
ARTHUR: The French? Those insulting infidels?
CASTLE GUARD: Uh…yeah?
ARTHUR: How could you give God's most holy relic to the French?
CASTLE GUARD: It was quite easy, really. We just handed it to them, they said thank you, we said your welcome and they went away.
ARTHUR: Come, brave Knights. Our Quest continues.
Arthur and his Knights turn away from the castle and gait away, the sound of coconuts announcing their progress.
CASTLE GUARD: Hey! Wait! Come back! You never told us what Britain is!
Arthur and his Knights…um…ride, I guess…into a forest. The forest seems very familiar to Arthur. It is filled with neatly manicured shrubberies of different heights with small paths winding tastefully between the shrubberies.
ARTHUR: We cannot be in this Germany, we must be in Britain.
LANCELOT: Well, sir, we have traveled a long way, through many dangers and one movie already. It would not be impossible.
ARTHUR: No…I suppose not.
TALL KNIGHT: Halt!
Arthur and his Knights halt with a clatter of coconuts in front of several barbaric looking Knights who seem very familiar to Arthur.
TALL KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say Ekke Ekke Ekke Ptang Zoo Boing. You must complete a task for us in order to pass!
KNIGHTS: A task! A task!
ARTHUR: Wait! I know you. You were the Knights Who Said Ni.
TALL KNIGHT: Well, yes. At one point. But we have not been those Knights for quite some time now.
ARTHUR: Where are we, Knights Who Say…um…Knight Who Used To Say Ni?
TALL KNIGHT: We are in Germany!
KNIGHTS: Germany, Germany!
ARTHUR: Where were you when you were the Knights Who Said Ni?
TALL KNIGHT: We've always been in Germany.
GALAHAD: God works in mysterious ways, sir.
ARTHUR: What, good Knights, do you wish of us.
TALL KNIGHT: holds up a Herring. To cut down--
ARTHUR: [cuts Tall Knight off] As I told you last time, it is impossible to cut down a tree with a fish!
Knights cower at the word 'it'.
TALL KNIGHT: Not that word again! No!
ARTHUR: What is it?
KNIGHTS: Ah!
TALL KNIGHT: We cannot hear that word!
ARTHUR: Which word is it?
Knights cower and call out in pain.
LANCELOT: Is it 'tree'?
Knights cower in pain.
GALAHAD: Is it 'which'?
Knights cower some more.
ROBIN: Is it 'fish' or is it 'is'?
TALL KNIGHT: No! We cannot hear that word! That word burns, oh how it burns!
Knights cower and put up a general ruckus when their leader says the forbidden word.
TALL KNIGHT: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! [falls]
ARTHUR: Well, this is a waste of our time…again. We have our Quest and we must finish it!
More ruckus and noise.
ARTHUR: Knights of the Round Table! Let's go.
Arthur and his Knights move off away from the writhing Knights.
ARTHUR: I swear, they have an unnatural obsession with herrings and shrubberies.
As Arthur and his Knights ride through the plains, the clouds gather and lightening strikes and explosions can be seen in the near distance. Suddenly, the clouds part and God shows his face.
GOD: [sighs] This again? Didn't I do this last movie?
ANIMATOR: pokes God in the butt with a pen
GOD: [yelps] Hey!
ANIMATOR: starts to poke God again
GOD: Alright, already. I get the point. [clears throat dramatically]
Arthur and his Knights have stopped and dismounted? and bend low to the ground paying homage to their Lord.
GOD: Arthur.
ARTHUR: kowtowing uh...yes sir?
GOD: [scowling] Oh stop that you ninny. Stand up straight. You are a King after all.
ARTHUR: straightens but keeps face averted Yes sir. Absolutely sir.
GOD: [growls] Can't even look at me and they wonder why I get pissy and call forth floods.
ARTHUR: looks God in the eye er...yes sir?
GOD: Good. [pause] Arthur.
ARTHUR: Yes sir?
GOD: I have a Quest for you.
ARTHUR: [orgasmically happy] A Quest sir? Another one? Would it be anything like the other Quest, sir?
GOD: [considers] Well...er...I...uh...Sure!
ARTHUR: [happily] Oh goodie, sir. That last Quest was a bloody good time, sir!
GOD: Well...er... [pause] Arthur.
ARTHUR: Yes sir?
GOD: The Quest is for you to find Schuldig.
ARTHUR: [confused] Schuldig sir? What is a Schuldig?
GOD: Not a what but a who. Schuldig is...well...er...uh...Schuldig! [looks pleased with himself]
ARTHUR: [worriedly] This Schuldig....its not French, is it?
GOD: No. Schuldig is German. Not French. [shakes head] Where did you get that idea?
ARTHUR: shrugs, looks relieved No idea, really. Just...well, it's the French, sir. They are...well... [affronted] They called my mother a hamster, sir!
GOD: Didn't you know? You're mother is a hamster.
ARTHUR: [pause] oh. [pause] well then.
TIM: points in a random location at which a large explosion occurs Get on with it.
ARTHUR: Or what you silly sod?
TIM: Or I shall sic the Rabbit after you.
ARTHUR: cowers Not the one with the teeth. makes claw with hand and holds it at his mouth
ROBIN: Oh dear, I soiled my armor again.
TIM: [looks smug]
KNIGHTS WHO SAY EKKE EKKE EKKE PTANG ZOO BOING: Move on, ni!
HISTORIAN: And so, God gave King Arthur his new Quest. The Quest to find Schuldig. Little did he know that he would encounter much danger and much hardship along the way and neither he nor his brave Knights of the Round Table would be near enough to get close to this most holy Quest.
FARFARELLO: Ni! Ni ni ni ni ni ni ni! [grins]
CRAWFORD: I foresee that Sir Robin will run away and this winter King Arthur and his Knights will eat the minstrels and there will be much rejoicing.
KNIGHTS: [dispiritedly] Yay.
ARTHUR: How does he know that?
GOD: Because he is the Oracle.
ARTHUR: You mean that he is more all-seeing then you my Lord?
GOD: [looks abashed] well, er...yes. He is Crawford. [whispers conspiratorially to Arthur] He is mighty, that one.
ARTHUR: can this Crawford help me to find Schuldig?
GOD: [looks away] ask Tim.
TIM: after blowing up a good 15 random things Find the Oracle and you will find the Schuldig.
ARTHUR: Well, you aren't much help, are you?
TIM: points at the Rabbit's cave
ARTHUR: runs away Run away! Run away!
KNIGHTS: Run away!
Schuldig lounges in the mouth of the Rabbit's cave. Tim stares after the retreating Arthur and his Knights and shrugs.
SCHULDIG: Hey, Farf!
FARFARELLO: Can't you see I'm busy?
SCHULDIG: Want a Rabbit?
FARFARELLO: looks up and grins How could I say no?
NAGI: Well, this should be amusing.
CRAWFORD: The Rabbit and Farf?
NAGI: [considers] Well, I was thinking that this King Arthur trying to find Schu would be amusing, but watching Farf run from the Rabbit should be as well.
FARFARELLO: runs from Rabbit
RABBIT: chases Farf
SCHULDIG: Well, since this will take a while...calls Yohji
YOHJI: [puts down flowers] Heh, sorry guys, but I forgot that I have this really really really really really hot date in a bit. Scuse me. runs out door
AYA: scowls
KEN: sighs No fair. How come Yohji always gets the hot chicks?
OMI: shakes head When did he say he was meeting a girl?
KEN: chokes
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin
ROBIN: cowers
NARRATOR: Oh, get up, you.
ROBIN: whines Do I have to?
Narrator draws in large disfigured monster. Monster chases Robin. Robin screams like a girl and runs away.
ROBIN: What is it? Oh, make it stop!
NARRATOR: It is ß.
ROBIN: And what the bloody hell is ß?
NARRATOR: It is what is chasing you right now you nimrod.
ß continues to chase Robin.
Arthur and his Knights -- minus Sir Robin, who is still being chased by ß -- come up to another castle.
CASTLE GUARD: Who goes there?
ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, King of the…uh…Germans, apparently.
CASTLE GUARD: You are a long way from home, then King Arthur.
ARTHUR: I am? I mean, yes! I am. Where am I?
CASTLE GUARD: You are in Japan.
ARTHUR: dumbfounded Japan.
CASTLE GUARD: Yes. Japan.
LANCELOT: Um…When did we get to Japan?
GALAHAD: shrugs
ARTHUR: Could you tell me, good sir, where might I find the Schuldig?
CASTLE GUARD: cowers It is ill to speak that name. He can kill with a thought. He is evil. None know him, for all who do know him die.
LANCELOT: Sounds like a happy fellow, doesn't he?
ARTHUR: stares
GALAHAD: points into the distance Look! It is the holy Grail! I see the light! It is there! Rushes off.
LANCELOT: Wait! But we're not after the Grail…oh dear. Runs off after Galahad.
ARTHUR: Do you know where we might find the one with the name we shall not speak?
CASTLE GUARD: He is with Crawford.
ARTHUR: And where might I find this Crawford?
CASTLE GUARD: Tim knows. You can find him at the top of the Tokyo Tower.
ARTHUR: Tim.
CASTLE GUARD: Yup! Tim.
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Galahad
GALAHAD: [to Narrator] You're not going to let Lancelot ruin my fun again...will you?
NARRATOR: laughs
GALAHAD: pouts
Galahad throws himself desperately at the door of the castle. The Grail beacon has since disappeared.
GALAHAD: Open up! Please! I know all of you fine women are in there! No! Wait! I mean the Grail! Yes, that's it! The Grail is in there!
The door opens and there stands a young nubile man.
GALAHAD: The Grail? It's here! I know its here?
MAN: in a soft and vulnerable voice Oh, poor Knight. You must be tired from your journey. Please. Come, we will take care of your every need.
GALAHAD: Oh, finally!
Galahad eagerly follows the skimpily dressed young nubile man into the castle.
MAN: We have eagerly awaited a strong dominant Knight to ease us and pleasure us through the night. Will you be him?
GALAHAD: grins Oh yes. Fear not. I will do my duty to you.
MAN: flutters about dramatically Oh, good. My brothers and I have waited long. We are already prepared.
LANCELOT: I will save you Sir Galahad!
GALAHAD: Oh no. That's quite alright. Save me and I'll send you back to the Swamp Lord.
LANCELOT: [winces] But--
GALAHAD: I'm sure that you'll be happy with the...[gestures] huge tracks of land.
LANCELOT: [looks green] Not really...
GALAHAD: Oh, I know all about your dalliances with that musical boy.
LANCELOT: claps hands over Galahad's mouth Now look here! You must remain pure!
GALAHAD: [muffled] Why?
LANCELOT: Because the only way to ensnare a Schuldig is with a virgin.
GALAHAD: [blushes] I hope he's cute at least...
LANCELOT: drags Galahad out of the whorehouse
Meanwhile…
SCHULDIG: feeds popcorn to Yohji I'm definitely amused!
NAGI: Told you.
FARFARELLO: chases Rabbit
RABBIT: runs from Farf
KEN: So, Schuldig, is all of that true about you and virgins?
SCHULDIG: scowls and feeds Yohji more popcorn
CRAWFORD: [polishes glasses] Yes, Ken. It is true. It's the only way.
KEN: [to Schuldig] then why are you with Yohji?
SCHULDIG: [shrugs] Cause he is hot and is entertainment until I find my Virgin.
KEN: Why are you so hung up on this Virgin?
SCHULDIG: [pauses] Don't know. That's just what the script says.
KEN: oh.
FARFARELLO: screams and runs from Rabbit
RABBIT: attacks Farf and chases him
OMI: I'm placing my money on the Rabbit.
AYA: Nope. I'm betting on Farf.
CRAWFORD: You will both lose.
Lancelot and Galahad attempt to catch up with Arthur.
LANCELOT: Why were you going after the Grail, Galahad?
GALAHAD: Because I saw it.
LANCELOT: But you know that is not our Quest anymore.
GALAHAD: twists his fingers Well, um…yes. But…
LANCELOT: What?
GALAHAD: I just want to get laid!!! Wails on Lancelot's shoulder
LANCELOT: There, there.
Meanwhile…
ROBIN: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
ß: AAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!
ROBIN: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
ß: AAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!
ROBIN: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
ß: AAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!
RABBIT: runs away from Farf
FARFARELLO: laughs madly while chasing Rabbit.
ß: upon seeing Farf AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
On top of the Tokyo Tower, Arthur, Lancelot, Galahad and the other Knights watch Tim approach. Tim gestures a few times and more stuff blows up. There is applause. The Knights look around to see where the applause comes from. They cannot find it.
ARTHUR: Tim. We meet again, good sir.
TIM: remains silent.
ARTHUR: I know you are a busy man…
TIM: remains silent.
ARTHUR: Look here you bloody kineugget! You've already done this to us. I demand as Arthur, King of the Germans…or whatever, that you help us find the Schuldig!
TIM: If you find the Oracle, you will find the Schuldig.
ARTHUR: Well, yes. You told us that already. How will we manage to capture this Schuldig once we find him?
TIM: Schuldig can be ensnared by a Virgin.
ARTHUR: A Virgin?
TIM: He will become enraptured.
ARTHUR: er…well…yes. [to his Knights] Do we have a virgin among us?
LANCELOT: Galahad, sir!
GALAHAD: Finally! Thank the good Lord.
ARTHUR: Okay, then. Now, Tim. Where might we find this Schuldig?
TIM: There is a flowershop. You will find your path to the Oracle from there. You must seek out the man with blood for hair. He will show you the path.
ARTHUR: Can you, good sir, show us this flowershop?
TIM: Yes. Follow me.
Tim turns away, takes one step and whirls around to face Arthur and his Knights. He scowls at them dramatically, warning flashing from his eyes.
TIM: But! Beware Knights! For guarding the flowershop is a creature so foul, so cruel, so evil and nasty that not one single Knight or Suitor has managed to fight it and live. There is an entire organization that exists solely to clean up the carcasses of these naïve souls that try to tangle with this foul, dangerous creature. Do not doubt your bravery, Knights! For if there is doubt in you than you will surely die a horrible, nasty, vicious, tortuous death. Be sure of your valor, Knights for you will meet nothing in this world that is more evil, more cruel, more terrifying than this creature that guards that flowershop! Be courageous, Knights! Or you will meet your doom with big nasty pointy teeth.
ARTHUR: We stand warned, good Tim. This time we heed your warning well.
TIM: nods in satisfaction Good. Follow me.
Tim, Arthur and his Knights approach the flowershop. Tim hides behind a car.
LANCELOT: Oh, look, my liege. The man with blood for hair. I see him!
ARTHUR: Right. I will seek him out and find this path to the Oracle.
TIM: No! Wait! The creature! It's here!
Aya-chan brings the hose out front to water the plants.
GALAHAD: That girl?
TIM: Yes. She is vicious. Beware, for she has killed better men than you.
Suddenly, Robin appears running for his life, screaming at the top of his lungs. Behind him comes ß, running for its life and screaming at the top of its lungs. Behind ß comes Farf and behind Farf is the Rabbit. Aya-chan calmly aims her hose at ß. ß dies viciously and horribly. Farf and the Rabbit run off into the distance while Robin takes shelter behind Lancelot.
ARTHUR: She won't hurt us. She left Robin alone, see.
Arthur stands and steps toward Aya-chan who scowls and aims her hose at him.
ARTHUR: Run away! Run away!
KNIGHTS: Run away!
Arthur and his Knights run away from Aya-chan who looks very satisfied with herself.
AYA: pokes his head out of the shop. Aya-chan, what was all of that racket about?
AYA-CHAN: Nothing, big brother, just keeping the fangirls away.
AYA: Oh, thank you.
While Arthur and his Knights regroup…
KEN: So, how long has Yohji been into guys?
OMI: Ken! It's so obvious! He totally plays for the home team.
KEN: How long have he and Schuldig been doin' it?
OMI: They haven't.
KEN: With Yohji's rep? Yeah right.
OMI: shrugs Yeah, well, they haven't.
AYA: We're going to Crawford's. Farf is so gonna win.
OMI: No, the Rabbit is mightier than Farf.
KEN: But! But! Yohji!
YOHJI: What, Kenken?
KEN: blushes Nothing.
YOHJI: Are we there yet? I have a surprise for Schu.
KEN: Yeah, I bet you do.
YOHJI: smirks
Arthur and his Knights come up with a foolproof plan to get past the foul and cruel Aya-chan. When they arrive in front of the flowershop to enact their plan, they realize that no one is home. They walk right inside.
ARTHUR: Well, that was easy.
LANCELOT: tucks a daisy behind Galahad's ear You got that right. I thought it would be much harder.
ARTHUR: Now, we just need to find the path to the Oracle.
Galahad finds a note addressed to Aya-chan that invites her to join everyone at Crawford's house and gives the address.
GALAHAD: Arthur! My Lord! Here.
Arthur reads the note, makes a triumphant noise and is off. His Knights follow.
At Crawford's house, Aya and Omi watch Farf and the Rabbit, Schu and Yohji snuggle on the couch, Nagi is eternally amused by all of the goings on while Ken tries to catch up and Crawford watches everything again.
KEN: So, Schu. Is the sex with Yohji great?
SCHULDIG: [pauses] We...uh...haven't had sex.
YOHJI: I'm a Virgin.
KEN: chokes
SCHULDIG: [looks shocked] You...you...you're...WHAT??????
YOHJI: [looks smug] I'm a Virgin.
SCHULDIG: But, but, how??? You're rep, man! How?
YOHJI: Just because I go out every night and tell all sorts of dirty raunchy jokes doesn't mean that I'm banging everybody.
SCHULDIG: grins You are a Virgin.
YOHJI: Yup.
SCHULDIG: drags Yohji into a bedroom
CRAWFORD: You better change the sheets, Schu, or you are buying me a new bed!
SCHULDIG: makes an affirmative sound
KEN: still choking
CRAWFORD: Well, I guess Arthur won't complete his Quest...again.
NAGI: You didn't need to be a Seer for that.
FARFARELLO: chases the Rabbit
RABBIT: runs from Farf
AYA: Told you, Omi. Your money is mine!
CRAWFORD: You will both lose.
The door slams open and in rushes Arthur and his Knights.
ARTHUR: Crawford! Oracle! I demand to be taken to the Schuldig.
SCHULDIG: [muffles] Oh fuck, Yohji!
RABBIT: scampers behind the TV, turns and springs out at Farf
FARFARELLO: runs from Rabbit
CRAWFORD: It is too late, King Arthur. Schuldig has already been ensnared. You're Quest will remain unfulfilled.
ARTHUR: Take me to this Schuldig, I will fight whichever hussy dares to take him from me. Mine is a holy Quest. A verdict handed down to me by God.
FARFARELLO: stops abruptly. The Rabbit slams into his legs. God you say?
RABBIT: hops onto Farf's shoulder and hisses at Arthur and his Knights
Schuldig appears looking awfully rumpled. He heads into the kitchen.
ARTHUR: Schuldig! That was Schuldig! The holy Schuldig!
Arthur and his Knights rush into the kitchen where Schuldig is piling whipped cream and chocolate sauce on the counter.
ARTHUR: Schuldig, we have been appointed by God to find you.
Schuldig ignores Arthur and his Knights, instead, gathering up his stuff and bouncing merrily back into Crawford's bedroom where Yohji awaits. Arthur and his Knights watch him go.
GALAHAD: Now I'm never going to get laid!
LANCELOT: There, there.
Farfarello and Rabbit attack Arthur and his men.
ARTHUR: Run away! Run away!
KNIGHTS: Run away!
Arthur and his Knights run away back to…Germany.
CRAWFORD: [to Omi and Aya] Told you.
Later…
KEN: Who would have guessed that Yohji was a virgin?
OMI: I thought that I had Yohji pegged, but he had me with that one.
AYA: smirks
FARFARELLO: sleeps contentedly with one arm around Rabbit
RABBIT: sleeps on Farf
CRAWFORD: counts money
SCHULDIG: grins
YOHJI: passed out
ARTHUR: [pouts] Hey God?
GOD: What?
ARTHUR: Will I ever complete a Quest?
CRAWFORD: No, but you will give us much amusement.
GOD: I'm with Crawford.
FARFARELLO: mumbles in sleep Ni.
The End.
Oh my God. Where does this stuff come from?????
^_^
D