"The World Will Look Up And Shout: "Save Us!" And I'll Whisper: "Cant, Going To A Premiere, Kthnx."
This is a preparation post for tonight's upcoming rant. I shall return around 4am and edit the hell out of this thing.
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EDIT: CAREFUL KIDS, HERE THERE BE SPOILERS!
What can I say? I...just...I mean....God, I watched Watchmen. That sentence alone is something I’ve been waiting to write for over three years; I can’t tell you how surreal this feels. But I promised a thousand words, yea, words alike unto the legions of cherubim in the Heavens, if the movie rocked. I also promised butthurt if it sucked. Lots of it. And now, at least, the moment has come.
But first, there’s something I need to get off my chest: Love him or hate him, Zach Snyder has an eye for visuals unlike any other director working today. It was mind-bogglingly beautiful. Many panels were reproduced perfectly, and the fight scenes were gorgeous, well-choreographed, and violent as all hell. I effing gaped at Dr. Manhattan, who has galaxies swirling behind his eyes; I felt as though I wasn’t prepared to appreciate the level of detail going into this film.
You didn't come here to read about that, though. It's time for a final list.
Five Things That Made Watchmen Fucking Amazing
1) The title sequence. Accompanied by Dylan’s WICKED wonderfully appropriate “The Times, They Are A’Changing”, we see the history of this alternate universe. Silk Spectre’s voluptuous form adorns the noses of fighter planes, the Comedian shoots JFK from the grassy knoll; Dollar Bill’s body is photographed tangled in a revolving door and, in a shot that absolutely killed me, a young Walter Kovacs’ hair is ruffled by one of his mother’s customers. It's a great way of providing backstory and ushering viewers into a fully realized world.
2) Dr. Manhattan. I was never really a fan of him in the book. I understood how important he was, and how distant he was growing from mankind, but I couldn’t really sympathize with him at all. Billy Crudup’s performance completely and totally changed that. I could see, finally, what it was that made Laurie and Janie love him. He was all-knowing, of course, but he was also an utterly calming, gentle presence. Also his CGI was borderline astounding.
3) Well hello, Rorschach capture scene. You know an adaptation is doing its job when it manages to evoke the same feeling in you that the source material does: in this case, a vague sort of ache in my chest. And the matches, and the grapple gun, and the wild, feral way Rorschach fights...Brilliant.
4) Speaking of everyone’s favorite inkblot, I need to say something that has been weighing on my mind since 3:30 am this morning, when I walked out of the theatre: Marry me, Jackie Earl Haley. Or let me marry you. Or, I dunno, say I’m cool and shake my hand, something. He was amazing, almost as though someone reached into my head, pulled out my personal conception of Rorschach, and sent it to the man. So slight, so short, but vicious and absolutely unhinged. Everything about this was right: the voice, the vague confusion at human kindness, the “emotions” of his mask...And that scene where Rorschach is “born”? Holy shit, it was like I’d died and gone to heaven.
5) The Silk Spectre keeping her boots on during sex. Um. Ignore that bit. While there’s a million other things I could use to fill this fifth spot, I have to go back to what I’ve been saying the whole time: Dan/Rorschach. I’d given in to the inevitable in the last post, but Mary, Mother of God, do I ship it. Badly.
Five Things That Made Watchmen Suck Unholy Amounts of Ass
Some of these are nitpicks, some are actually pretty big hang-ups.
1) Richard Nixon’s nose. Really, Watchmen? I know he was called “Tricky Dick”, but did you have to put it on his face?
2) Dr. Manhattan and Adrian’s post-apocalyptic conversation (“Nothing ends, Adrian. Nothing ever ends.”) was nowhere to be found. One of my favorite scenes in the book, not to mention a scene that sets the tone for the ending. In a bizarre directorial twist, Laurie gets Manhattan’s line, and we never see Adrian begin to question his decision. I was pissed it was left out, yeah, but it was more of a WTF moment than anything else. I’d really like to know why the heck Snyder made that decision.
3) The sex scene. Dear God, the sex scene. I...just...there are no words. Setting it to the pervy dulcet tones of Leonard Cohen was...a mistake. Oh, and way to stay zoomed in on Laurie’s coital-bliss face for, like, 15 seconds. Ugh.
4) “Am I ever going to live this down?” I don’t know, Sally Jupiter, you tell me. Because I certainly won’t forget that hideous line delivery anytime soon.
5) Dear Zach Snyder,
You don’t read my Livejournal, do you? Well, you should. Because I warned you. I warned you and warned you and yet you did not heed me. Basically Rorschach’s death scene broke my heart. It always does, and Jackie Earl Haley performed it wonderfully. But you know what? Having Nite Owl fall to his knees screaming like fucking Luke Skywalker is not okay. You didn’t even give me a chance to mourn before you kick in with this bullshit.
I mean. He was on his knees. Shrieking. This isn’t Dragonball Z, Snyder. You don’t have to punctuate every tragedy with a great cry of “IYA!”
Motherfucker.
No love,
Emily
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