It's A Struggle 18/22
Title: It's A Struggle
Author: Wizardesslyn
BETA: The wonderful mhobbs0430
Pairing: Adam/OMC (Even), Kris/Tommy, mentions of past Adam/Kris/Aaron, Adam/Tommy, Adam/Brad
Ratings: PG to NC-17 depending on the chapter
Word Count: ~1408
Disclaimer: This isn't real, although some of the people in it are. Mostly, it's make believe, just for fun.
Warnings: Death situations, angst, cursing, wild sex, cheating and fun.
Summary: Third part of my 'A Thin Line' series. Adam is mostly integrated and living with Even. They have a good life together and are finding a way to make things work. Kris and Tommy are still together but having a hard time. Even wants more than just living with Adam and asks for what he needs. Will Adam give Even everything or will Adam/Aaron's love for Kris keep him from handing over his heart completely. It's going to be a struggle. This is a completed fic.
Thanks to the talented groffiction for the perfectly wonderful banner. And for making Even come to life.
A/N: Megan decides that Adam needs a friend. Adam goes back to therapy and Kris and Brad aren't staying at Adam's anymore.
When Kris had woken up, no more than an hour later, Adam had let him go. Neither one of them said anything. There really wasn’t anything left to say. They both knew that things couldn’t be different. Kris understood. Adam really did love Even. It may be a different kind of love than he felt for Kris, but he loved him and wouldn’t hurt him like he had Kris and Tommy. He wouldn’t. He couldn’t.
Adam sighed as he watched Kris and Brad leave. He wondered about them but deep down, he knew that nothing was going on. Kris needed a friend. Brad had taken on that role. Adam couldn’t do it because, well, he was the reason Kris needed a different kind of friend right now.
He sat down and rubbed his eyes. He wanted to call his mother but he didn’t want to spoil the utter and complete happiness she had. Her eldest son was getting married and having a baby. He couldn’t do that to her. He leaned his head to the back of the couch, trying to sort out the flashes of thought going through his mind. Some of them were his, no, all of them were his, but some originated in the Aaron part of his brain. Aaron was in pain. Adam felt it in every pore of his body. Aaron refusing to hide it from him, for which he was grateful and angry about at the same time.
One thought pervaded all others. How the hell was he going to explain all this shit to Even and keep him? How in the living hell was he going to manage to keep his life, his soon to be husband, his baby and be honest about what he was feeling at the same time?
He didn’t know but he knew that he had to find a way. He called his therapist for the first time in months and made an appointment.
~~~~
Megan knew that something was wrong with Adam. Oh, she knew all about the whole Adam and Aaron issue. Her brother had told her. She wasn’t thinking about that. There was something else going on. She knew that he loved her brother. It showed in every look that Adam gave Even and every touch they shared. She knew that Adam wanted this baby more than anything, even to the point of considering postponing his tour. There was something else going on. Something that Adam felt he couldn’t talk to anyone about. She was determined to get him to talk. He looked like he needed a friend. She was willing to be that for him, for the father of her baby, for her brother’s lover.
She caught him a few days later as he was coming in from some kind of appointment. He looked tired and worn. She decided now was the time. "Adam, can we talk?"
He ran his hand through his hair as she watched and looked a little frantic. "Now’s not really a good time for me. Are you and the baby okay?"
She put on hand on his arm. "We’re both fine, Adam. Please, let me help you."
He looked like a scared rabbit, his eyes darting back and forth. "I…I don’t think that’s a good idea. I…"
"Adam." She said soothingly. "You need to talk. Come and sit with me in the kitchen. Let’s have a cup of tea and talk. It’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s going to be okay."
She put her arm through his and led him into the kitchen, pushing him down into one of the chairs at the bar. She set about heating up the water for the tea and asked him what kind he wanted. She smiled when he said he wanted the jasmine. He drank that one the most when he was upset. Funny the things you notice about people when you live with them.
"I noticed that Kris and Brad haven’t been staying here for the past few days. It feels funny not to have them around." She broached hesitantly.
"Ah, yeah, Kris…he had things to do to get ready for tour and Brad…he…" Adam stopped talking as she turned around to look at him.
"Are they together now?"
Adam winced. "Um, no?"
"You don’t sound so sure." She sat his mug in front of him and sat in the chair beside him with her own.
Adam sighed. "No. I’m sorry. I’m sure. Kris is having a hard time and he needs a friend, so Brad is just being there for him."
She noticed he wouldn’t meet her eyes. "I thought you were Kris’s best friend."
Adam closed his eyes. A simple statement, really, but it had no simple answer. "I am? No, I mean I am. But it’s complicated."
"Because of your history with him?" She gently prodded.
Adam opened his mouth to say something and then he closed it. He tried again. "This is so fucked up. I can’t talk to you about this Megs. I just, I can’t." He stood to leave.
She grabbed his arm and pulled him back down into the chair. "Listen to me Adam. I know that you love Even. I know that. This isn’t about that. This is about you needing someone to talk to. You need a friend and you can’t talk to Kris about him, now can you?"
Adam looked up at her, his shocked blue eyes meeting her green ones a shade darker than Even’s. "I…I…"
She soothed him with her words. "It’s okay Adam. I know you love Kris. I also know it doesn’t change how you feel about my brother. It’s okay. Just, talk to me, okay?"
Adam stood and paced, then sat and fidgeted. "I love Even." He looked at her with desperation written in his eyes. "You have to believe me. I love him, I do!"
She petted his arm. "I know that Adam."
"I…Aaron, he, we…love Kris too." Tears leaked from between eyes that were squeezed shut. "He, Aaron I mean…" He looked over at her. "You know about Aaron, right?"
She nodded. "Even told me. I will never say anything about your private life Adam. You know that."
Adam looked out the kitchen window. "Aaron, we have always loved Kris. I was stupid and broke up with him over something that I thought was right." Running his fingers through hair, he huffed. "I love Kris, that’s true Megs. I won’t lie to you. I’ve been back to my therapist twice this week. I won’t hurt Even. I’ve hurt too many people. I love him."
"Adam. You need calm down and talk to me. Just talk to me and I will listen. I won’t judge you. Okay?"
The words started spilling out of him before he could stop them. "I’m scared. I don’t have anyone to talk to but my therapist and she’s…she doesn’t know me, you know? Brad is being there for Kris and well, I can’t talk to Kris. My mom is so happy right now and I don’t want to worry her. Even, god, I can’t…I want to and I will but not until I have this sorted out in my head, so I can’t talk to him. My brother is famous for being well, just Neil, and I know that he loves me but…he doesn’t get this. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t. I feel like everything is out of my control and Aaron…" Adam sighed, "No, I mean me, I cry all the time when I think no one is looking and Aaron, I’m so sad. Kris is hurting and I’m so happy. I am, except that he’s hurting and I love him. I want to make it stop but I can’t stop my life. He knows that. I know that. I want to marry Even and I want our baby. I’m so confused."
"But?" Megan asked softly.
"Aaron…me…I can’t deny that part of me. I…don’t know what to do." Adam bowed his head, wrapping his arms around himself like a small boy would that needed comfort.
Megan gave him the comfort he was seeking. She wrapped her arms around him and held him tight. "You’ll do what’s right Adam. You’re a good man. I know that you will do what’s right."
"I hope your trust in me proves true, Megs. Because I’m terrified." Adam whispered into her neck, holding on to her like a lifeline.