I Can't Help Myself 1/1
Title: I Can't Help Myself
Author: wizardesslyn
Beta: mhobbs0430
Pairing: Adam/Tommy, Adam/OC and Tommy/OC
Rating: R Word Count: ~2700
Warnings: Okay, this is not my usual style of writing. It's very different for me and pushed me hard. Dub con, or questionable con in places but no non con, ansty with lots of anger, sadness, slash, cursing.
Summary: Story written for glam_kink from this prompt. Angry and sad Adam, along with sad Tommy. Tommy and Adam had a 'thing' but Tommy called it off not knowing if he can be 'out'. Adam is frustrated and angry on tour. Things happen. This is a one shot.
A.N: Please read the warnings. This isn't my usual happy fluff.
Adam starts fucking Taylor out of sheer frustration. He just can’t stand seeing Tommy with another fucking woman, so, to keep from being so goddamn angry all the time, he fucks Taylor. It’s not fair and it’s going to be hurtful in the end, but right now, Adam just doesn’t give a flying shit. All he can think about is distracting himself from watching Tommy. And the damn stage play has become torture. Oh, it used to be fun, but now, it’s just not. Now it’s turned into something dark and dreadful, now Adam pushes it further and further to see if Tommy can hold out, to see if Tommy can keep saying ‘no’.
Adam has to give Tommy some credit though, because the whole fucking band knows that they were a ‘thing’ briefly. But Tommy is all smiles and laughter around others. It’s when they end up pushed together, alone, that things go south and not in a good way. Adam thinks about the first time that happened after Tommy told him he just couldn’t be out…
Tommy was just coming onto the bus when Adam came out of his lair. They stood there and stared at each other for a bit until Tommy stammered out, "Sorry, I’ll, ah, go to the other bus."
Before he could even think of leaving, Adam was in front of him, blocking his way. He grabbed him and kissed him hard and none too gentle. Like always, Tommy melted right into the taller man and Adam drug him back to his bedroom, stripped him and fucked him like a thirsty man guzzling water. There were no words spoken between them, no love talk, nothing. It was just pure animal fucking.
When it was over, Adam didn’t feel any better, in fact, he felt worse. Tommy just got up pulled his clothes back on and left.
That had happened after Providence and things kept going downhill from there. Adam thought about the Raleigh concert and almost blushed thinking of how he had hurt Tommy on the bus that night…
Tommy had brought his blond bimbo backstage. Adam was fucking livid. What the fuck was he thinking bringing her here? Oh, he had watched Tommy leave, getting into that fucking red truck with the blond. He had been pissy the rest of the fucking day. Going through the meet and greet had been pure torture, when all he wanted to do was hit something, someone, fuck anything at this point. And then Tommy came back and Adam had let out a sigh, thinking to himself, ‘Well, at least that’s over’, until he saw her waiting on Tommy. He was so goddamn mad that he told Neil in no uncertain terms to make fucking sure Tommy was on his bus that night and he didn’t give a goddamn how he did it either.
Tommy had come knocking on his door and Adam had pulled him into the room, locking the door behind him. He didn’t say a word, he just grabbed Tommy by the neck and squeezed. He had squeezed so hard that the next morning; Tommy had the perfect hand print on his neck. Adam had shoved Tommy toward the bed and his eyes had gone wide. Tommy fought him that time but when Adam had shoved his tongue down his throat, again, Tommy had melted and clung to Adam like a starving man. It made Adam angry and he didn’t spend the right amount of time prepping Tommy. He knew that he had really hurt Tommy as he pounded into his ass that night over and over. Tommy never complained and right after they had both came, Tommy had curled up next to Adam like a goddamn cat and promptly went to sleep.
Adam had stayed away from Tommy for days after that one.
And now, here they were, leaving Tommy behind because he had to go back to LA and straighten out his fucking passport issue since he had lost the goddamn thing. He had hoped that they could work something out while they were in Bali, but no, Tommy had to lose his fucking passport and go back to the states. So, he had hooked up with Taylor. It’s not that Taylor wasn’t a good looking guy with a rocking body and it’s not that he doesn’t like Taylor, but the truth is, Taylor is not Tommy. Just like all the fan boys weren’t Tommy. Just like he can’t stop thinking about Tommy. But Adam wonders if too much hasn’t happened now between them that there’s no way to get back to where they once were. It makes Adam sad and then it makes him angry. He takes his aggression out on Taylor, which the younger man seems to like, a lot.
They get to their next tour stop and Tommy’s back and flirting it up with some chick in the bar. Taylor is hanging all over Adam and it’s just too fucking much. Adam’s about to blow a fucking gasket and it’s going to be all kinds of bad. Neil must catch the look he’s got on his face and drags him out of there and back to the hotel, leaving Taylor fucking talking to Tommy and that damn chick that’s got her goddamn hands all over the blond bassist. This is just fucking torture.
Neil gives him the once over when they are back in Adam’s room, Adam doing his best to ignore his brother but Neil’s having none of that. "Adam I don’t know what the fuck is going on with you and Tommy, but whatever it is, get it under control! It’s affecting others. They are too nice to say anything but I just don’t give a shit. It’s fucking awkward man, so just, fucking stop it!" Neil stomps out and Adam plops down on the bed, frustrated and hurt. Doesn’t anyone understand how hard this is? Apparently not, since 20 minutes later there’s a knock on his door and when he looks through the peep hole, it’s fucking Tommy.
Adam opens the door and Tommy stomps in like he’s ready to kill. He spins around to face Adam, mouth open getting ready to let it fly when he just stops. Adam doesn’t know when Tommy’s anger turns into something else, but he notices how his shoulders slump down a little, and he takes a breath and then another one and before Adam could say anything himself, Tommy’s on him like a leech sucking at his neck. Adam leans back against the door moaning and just gives in. He sends up a quick thought to the universe that Taylor doesn’t come knocking at his door but he couldn’t get that lucky, because just as things start to get interesting, there’s a knock. Adam knows it’s Taylor but Tommy doesn’t because he’s been gone and doesn’t know that Adam is sleeping with the younger man now. Tommy looks up at Adam from his knees, eyes pleading for Adam to make whoever it is go away, but Taylor knocks again, a little louder this time and Tommy gets up without saying one goddamn word, opens the door and leaves. Adam decides right then that he is totally fucked and nothing can fix anything now.
Taylor doesn’t talk to him for three days. Things can’t get much worse.
Lane takes it upon herself then to talk to Tommy and see if she can get him to help with this whole situation. Adam asked her not too, but she snarled at him and told him he wasn’t manning up, so someone had to do it. When she comes back to report the conversation to Adam, he completely looses it and reminds her that he asked her not to do it.
What did Tommy say? He told Lane that Adam was a fucking asshole and that he wasn’t going to be blamed for this shit.
Now if you weren’t part of the crew, you would never know all this drama was going on. Everyone looks happy and content. Adam and Tommy play and have fun on stage. They kiss almost every concert now. But if you look closely, you can see how the kisses are turning into desperate pleas without words. Taylor sees it clearly and tells Adam he can’t do this anymore. That leaves Adam with no outlet, which is not good.
So while they are in Australia, he picks up a really cute guy and takes him back to his room but before they can even get really into anything hot, Tommy is knocking on the door, yelling. The cute guy double times it out of there and Adam’s so pissed he can’t even think. He shoves Tommy around, pressing him face first into the door, jerks down both their pants, one after the other and fucks him raw. He puts deep red marks all over Tommy’s pretty neck and growls at him, ‘Fucking remember to who you belong’. Which is not fair at all since it was Adam himself that was getting ready to fuck a fan boy, not Tommy.
Adam feels horrible as soon as it’s over and this time, he really wants to talk about it, because he’s frustrated and they can’t keep doing this. He tries, but Tommy just shakes his head and leaves. Adam decides that he is the worst person ever. He can’t be around Tommy without being a total dick. It’s completely unfair when all he really wants to do is love him. The thought flashes through his mind that he might need to tell him that, but he dismisses it since he’s sure Tommy doesn’t want anything to do with him after the way he’s been treated.
They take a short break in October to go home for a few days after the Hawaii shows. Adam is planning a big Halloween party. It’s his favorite holiday after all. He invites all of his closest friends and his family, along with some new friends he’s made in the past year. Adam is almost certain that Tommy won’t come but again, Tommy surprised him and showed up dressed to match Adam’s own costume to a certain extent.
Adam tried his best to stay away from Tommy. He really does but then there Tommy is, getting wasted and flirting with some girl whose name Adam can’t remember. Adam see’s red and pulls Tommy into another room, locking the door behind them. He doesn’t shove Tommy up against a wall this time; he keeps a foot between them and finally asks a question he’s been dying to ask. "Why Tommy? Why do you keep coming back?"
Tommy just looks at him and shrugs his shoulders. It drives Adam crazy, when Tommy doesn’t answer, so he asks again. This time, Tommy looks him straight in the eyes and says something that Adam’s not sure he believes.
"Because I can’t help myself, Adam." Tommy walks out and leaves the party after that.
Adam thinks about that for a long time. He wonders what that means and why Tommy would say that. Before he leaves with Monte to go to Germany for a private show, he talks to Danielle about it. She, of course, tells him he’s a fucking idiot. He believes that.
So things are going a little better until he gets too drunk one night and begs Tommy to help him to his room. Tommy can’t say no since they are in front of the rest of the crew. Once they get into the room, Adam begs Tommy to fuck him. Adam gets all sentimental when he’s drunk and should have known better than to have Tommy come up with him.
Yet again, Tommy surprises Adam and does exactly what he’s asked to do. He puts Adam to bed and fucks him good and hard. Adam can’t help but love him more for that because there are very few men that Adam has ever let top. Tommy is one of the few.
Things calm down again, as Adam and Tommy spend more time together, not trying to kill each other by violent means in bed and actually having fun. It’s precarious, but doable, and it seems that maybe, just maybe, they can work this out. And then Adam has to go and fuck it up again with the really cute reality show guy he meets at a club.
Oh, yeah, does he ever do a number. He takes Mr. Cute Reality Guy back to his hotel room, caught on camera no less, and the man is seen leaving the next morning. Tommy never says a word but he stays away from Adam after that and no amount of trying to talk to him on Adam’s part will get him to change his mind.
Brook proceeds to tell him what a fuck up he is and how much he’s hurting himself along with Tommy.
Monte just shakes his head at him and Isaac won’t look him in the eye anymore. In fact, Isaac is always fucking with Tommy now and it’s beyond impossible to catch him alone. Adam gives up.
By the time that Amsterdam rolls around, Adam is so beyond thinking clearly when it comes to Tommy that even the pot doesn’t help. He’s miserable, just fucking miserable. It’s pretty clear that Tommy is as well, but Adam has run out of ideas about how to fix this mess. He wants to blame Tommy for not sticking it out in the beginning. He wants to be angry again. But he just doesn’t have the energy anymore.
He’s amped up on stage that night and during the encore, he’s smoking a blunt while singing ‘Purple Haze’. He’s feeling it tonight and Tommy looks so hot and seemed so into the kiss that he goes over and sits behind him while singing ‘Whole Lotta Love’ and then he’s kissing Tommy for the third time during the show. And it’s not just any kiss, this is something they used to do in private. But the pot has mellowed them both out and the audience feels like they are watching something that should be behind closed doors. When it’s over and Adam’s looking into Tommy’s eyes, he knows that Tommy will come to him tonight.
But he doesn’t. Adam waits up, trying to keep from sleeping until he can’t hold his eyes open any longer. And then, when he wakes up in the morning, Tommy’s beside him, curled up on his side, sound asleep. Adam doesn’t ask and Tommy doesn’t say but after that, Tommy spends most nights sleeping with Adam. They kiss sometimes but there is no sex. They don’t try to define it and they don’t talk about it either.
Adam makes sure that he doesn’t get drunk and pick up any other men. He just deals with the unspoken ‘no sex’ rule and enjoys being close to Tommy again.
After the last show in London, Adam asks if they can talk. Tommy acquiesces and they have along discussion about what they both want. At the end of it, it’s decided that Tommy will go back to LA and not go to Paris with Adam. They both need time to decide what they want and Tommy wants to make sure that he can be out and be okay with that. Adam tells Tommy he understands. They promise to call and text, along with email. They kiss goodbye and then go their separate ways.
Adam loves Paris but he misses Tommy. He wishes that they had come here together. So he throws himself into work and gets a lot done in a short time. It’s the day before he’s due to fly back to the states when his phone rings and he see’s it’s Tommy. He answers and is surprised by what he hears.
"Adam, when you get home, let’s look for a place to live."
He’s floored because his plan is to go back to Paris and record his next album there. He tells Tommy this and he holds his breath, waiting for what Tommy is going to say. Finally, Tommy speaks.
"Well, when we go back to Paris, let’s look for a place to live."
Adam says the only thing he can think of, "Okay baby."