Cuz my heart won't be your ragdoll anymore
Something is missing.
The sun is shining through my window in the morning, my forget-me-nots have taken over the front garden, and I'm greeted by a beautifly colored goldfinch in the driveway, and the opportunity of a lifetime to expand my dream is a day from coming true, but something is far from connecting.
I think this weekend it was summed up by someone I've always relied on..: "I finally just became a shell of the person I really am". I'm rolling aimlessly through these days shutting everything else out. Am I excited to go to Texas? Sure. But you'd never know it. Am I healed from this heartache? Sure. But I still think about it. Do I know what I want to do with my life? Maybe. But I still worry I'm headed in all the wrong directions.
After a series of unconnected events this weekend, I'm reminded of the past tarnishes on my spirit, I remember why I have walls miles thick built around me. As I have a potentially good guy right on my tail, I shut myself away, push him off and just hope he stops complimenting me. I lie in bed listening to the birds chirp, because I never sleep and wonder what could possibly be wrong with him-- (pathological liar, cheater, womanizer, user, heartless, sketchball, double life leader, bisexual, engaged, high school drop-out, etc) and why he would be talking to me. "why don't you ever smile" he asks as I tell him it just doesn't happen. The end of the night arrives and I just wish he'd go away so I don't have to deal with anything anymore. But he'll be there when I get back from fufilling a dream.
Texas will be an escape. A great opportunity to run from everything. To whip myself into shape with the help of 66 exotic cats and blistering sunlit days. Don't be surprised if I don't want to leave there. Those cats will become such a beautiful part of my life-- they'll listen to more about me than they can understand. "Take care of yourself, you need to take time for that. You know you can't carry everything on your shoulders, I know you're hurting, but you hide it well. Just take care of yourself. " he said before kissing me goodnight. I wanted to cry. I can't remember the last time I took care of myself-- but it's going to start soon. If I'm happy with myself, I can possibly find all the pieces that are everywhere.
Everything is a disaster in my world and I have nowhere to turn. Things are ripping apart at the seams-- but don't pity me. I'll be strong enough to dig myself out of this hole.
Meanwhile..... she screams in silence.
*~
The sun is shining through my window in the morning, my forget-me-nots have taken over the front garden, and I'm greeted by a beautifly colored goldfinch in the driveway, and the opportunity of a lifetime to expand my dream is a day from coming true, but something is far from connecting.
I think this weekend it was summed up by someone I've always relied on..: "I finally just became a shell of the person I really am". I'm rolling aimlessly through these days shutting everything else out. Am I excited to go to Texas? Sure. But you'd never know it. Am I healed from this heartache? Sure. But I still think about it. Do I know what I want to do with my life? Maybe. But I still worry I'm headed in all the wrong directions.
After a series of unconnected events this weekend, I'm reminded of the past tarnishes on my spirit, I remember why I have walls miles thick built around me. As I have a potentially good guy right on my tail, I shut myself away, push him off and just hope he stops complimenting me. I lie in bed listening to the birds chirp, because I never sleep and wonder what could possibly be wrong with him-- (pathological liar, cheater, womanizer, user, heartless, sketchball, double life leader, bisexual, engaged, high school drop-out, etc) and why he would be talking to me. "why don't you ever smile" he asks as I tell him it just doesn't happen. The end of the night arrives and I just wish he'd go away so I don't have to deal with anything anymore. But he'll be there when I get back from fufilling a dream.
Texas will be an escape. A great opportunity to run from everything. To whip myself into shape with the help of 66 exotic cats and blistering sunlit days. Don't be surprised if I don't want to leave there. Those cats will become such a beautiful part of my life-- they'll listen to more about me than they can understand. "Take care of yourself, you need to take time for that. You know you can't carry everything on your shoulders, I know you're hurting, but you hide it well. Just take care of yourself. " he said before kissing me goodnight. I wanted to cry. I can't remember the last time I took care of myself-- but it's going to start soon. If I'm happy with myself, I can possibly find all the pieces that are everywhere.
Everything is a disaster in my world and I have nowhere to turn. Things are ripping apart at the seams-- but don't pity me. I'll be strong enough to dig myself out of this hole.
Meanwhile..... she screams in silence.
*~