For a very important date.
Well, I didn't end up using the weekend productively after all. On the bright side, I managed to finish the homework due today decently well and with time enough to study the other topics on today's quiz. Of course, I'm now taking a break from that to write an LJ entry on the subject, but this is a brief lunch break, so I don't feel too bad. I find it difficult to believe that last semester I had the same job, the same club responsibilities and a far, far worse class schedule and managed to pull it off with all As and only a few dropped responsibilities. This semester I've specifically taken as light a class load as possible, and yet I've felt constantly stressed and guilty for well over a month now. I'm not doing enough for the clubs I'm in, I'm not as efficient and helpful at work as I could be, and I'm not taking the appropriate and responsible steps toward my future that I should be. I know that if the BCBC library isn't perfect or if RT doesn't get fixed until the end of the semester or if I end up not having a publishing job this semester everything will still work out in the long run, but I can't help feeling that there isn't a single aspect of my life I am succeeding at right now. I'm even worried about my grades. Not as much as usual, but with three classes and no appreciable work in any other area, I feel that that, at least, should have been solid.
Meanwhile, the people in my life are simultaneously the best thing in it at the moment and a major source of confusion and stress for me. I've caught myself feeling guilty simply for... I don't actually know. Hanging out with people all the time, encouraging friendships, seeing people I miss, enjoying company.... Not just the usual "I should be working, not being around people" but also a far stranger "These connections with people are distracting you." I've never had that happen before. It's making me feel incredibly guilty for staying in Boston over the summer. I know that I was in a perfectly healthy mindset when I made that decision, and I'm certainly not going to change it at this point, and I know that I will greatly enjoy being around the people I love, but...the responsible thing would have been to apply months ago to every publishing internship in New York that I could manage and arrange both housing there and a back up plan. And sure, I could probably do that next summer, but I don't honestly know what I'm doing after I graduate. Am I coming back to Brandeis for a Masters degree in CS? Only if I can find the money for it. Am I going to pursue a graduate level English degree? I would love to, but that requires finding the best places for that and also finding the money. Up until this point, I've always known what the next appropriate step was. You do well in class, you move on to the next grade level. In high school that got more complicated as you added things that would boost your college resume. In college, for a short while, everything was simple again. I wavered on majors and minors off and on, but I've known for years that I would double major in English and CS. But now I only have ideas, and choices that are good for different reasons, and no way of actually knowing what will happen. I can't choose a path and stick with it like I normally do, and I constantly feel like time is running out.
Hm. Well. I had simply meant to write about my usual guilty pleasure of dealing with classwork last minute and thus feeling simultaneously stressed, excited, and mildly smug when it doesn't horribly injure me, but I guess that's been bugging me for a while, so there it is.
Meanwhile, the people in my life are simultaneously the best thing in it at the moment and a major source of confusion and stress for me. I've caught myself feeling guilty simply for... I don't actually know. Hanging out with people all the time, encouraging friendships, seeing people I miss, enjoying company.... Not just the usual "I should be working, not being around people" but also a far stranger "These connections with people are distracting you." I've never had that happen before. It's making me feel incredibly guilty for staying in Boston over the summer. I know that I was in a perfectly healthy mindset when I made that decision, and I'm certainly not going to change it at this point, and I know that I will greatly enjoy being around the people I love, but...the responsible thing would have been to apply months ago to every publishing internship in New York that I could manage and arrange both housing there and a back up plan. And sure, I could probably do that next summer, but I don't honestly know what I'm doing after I graduate. Am I coming back to Brandeis for a Masters degree in CS? Only if I can find the money for it. Am I going to pursue a graduate level English degree? I would love to, but that requires finding the best places for that and also finding the money. Up until this point, I've always known what the next appropriate step was. You do well in class, you move on to the next grade level. In high school that got more complicated as you added things that would boost your college resume. In college, for a short while, everything was simple again. I wavered on majors and minors off and on, but I've known for years that I would double major in English and CS. But now I only have ideas, and choices that are good for different reasons, and no way of actually knowing what will happen. I can't choose a path and stick with it like I normally do, and I constantly feel like time is running out.
Hm. Well. I had simply meant to write about my usual guilty pleasure of dealing with classwork last minute and thus feeling simultaneously stressed, excited, and mildly smug when it doesn't horribly injure me, but I guess that's been bugging me for a while, so there it is.