sixteen stiches is a typical treatment for an imploded heart
I feel like I have been asleep for a long time, and now that I'm finally awake, everything and everyone around me has changed. Not at an unusual or accelerated rate, the normal changing of times, I've just been out of contact for that long.
It's such an indescribable feeling, because I know that it hasn't, everything can't be that different in the blink of an eye, but that's how it seems.
I feel like I'm numb. No, not numb, but it's like I'm watching a movie and the volume has somehow been dulled. I can see things, and I know that I'm doing them, but I can't feel myself acting or even being influenced by any of it. Like I'm simply going through the motions of someone else's life. It's quite odd.
I feel sad, about stupid mundane things, and about things that I really shouldn't just keep to myself. I feel like everyone has a problem with me, or is somehow put off by some small aspect of every little thing I do. Like I have committed some universal wrong that everyone knows about except for me, and I should know, but I'm too thick to see or realize it. A lot of things make me sad, that have never affected me ever before. Like for some reason, this year, the fact that I don't have a family to spend obviously family oriented holidays with is getting to me in the worst way. I mean I have my mommy, and I love her a lot, but I won't see my Dad, or my brother, or my sisters or my grandparents or my aunts or uncles or niece of nephew. No one, just me and my mom, for part of the day because most of the day she has to work, acting like nothings missing or this is how it's supposed to be.
I also kind of miss certain freedoms that I no longer have, not that I would know what to do with them if they were given back to me... it's just the fact that I can't... therefore I want. How stupid and typical of me.
I don't know I'm sure I'll get over it... everyone always gets over it right? Whatever, this was mostly just for me... so I could make what I think is wrong with me tangible and real, that way I might be able to fix it.