can you concentrate?
Can you even concentrate?
can you even spell?
what would you say to the person that you had lost? that you had never gotten a chance to talk to?
its sad when people that you know and love die, and its sad knowing that you could have talked to them sooner but never did.
and its sad when people die that you did talk to every day, that you saw every day, that you slept with every night, and that you kissed every hour...and never seemed to make a difference in their life.
What would you have said to him???
He had been laying there for at least a week...he was unconscious, unresponsive from the drugs that they pumped into him to keep him from ripping the IV's from his arms, that kept him from fighting every doctor, nurse, and guard that tended him...drugs that kept him in a state that he could not be awakened from, not from my crying, my sobbing, my prayers, my yelling, or my fists.
That first night was more than any words could have explained, or shown...his eyes were so vividly green, cloudy like the swamps. Cloudy green, as they always were...but they were lifeless, empty, and searching. Forever searching, as they always were...his mind was somewhere else, his mind was gone, as it always was...but today was different. Not only was his mind gone, but he, himself was gone. He was in a fit of delirium, rage, and fear.
He fought with every ounce of his soul to keep everyone and anything away from him- nurses, doctors, needles... strange as it was that he had tried to keep the needles away from him, as they were what had eventually led to his passing. And strange, he did not try to fight me, for he fought me every waking moment of our time together.
I would touch his forehead, and stroke his hair. I would whisper that everything was going to be okay. He would look up at me with desperation. All he wanted was to get out.
And then once he was calm, I would ask him what he had taken. “Nothing” he would say, “Nothing.” Those words seemed to beckon every ounce of my being over the past year with him. “Nothing” was his answer to everything.
“Baby, what’s the matter?”
“Nothing.”