(no subject)
Just because I don't think any of you got the chance to read my collumn last semester:
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
I’m an intelligent, successful, talented, and physically attractive young woman. The problem is that because of these things I have a number of men fighting for my attention. Most of these guys are really great and I have no idea who I should pick. Do you have any advice on how to choose?
- Vain and Confused
Dear Vain,
Despite the fact that I have never met any of these men, I know exactly what you should do; forget about every single one of them. Why? There is no way that any of them are as into you as you are into yourself. Imagine waking up to your “physically attractive” face in the mirror every morning and whispering reassuring “I love you”s. With that intelligence of yours you can have as many deep and meaningful conversations with yourself as you could possibly want. And your success! Jesus! You’ll have no problem at all showering yourself with gifts and surprise get-aways. So, do yourself a favor, put your talent to use by climbing into bed alone every night. I have the utmost confidence that you will make yourself very happy.
Best Wishes,
Miss Lonelyhearts
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Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
My boyfriend and I have been together for three years, but he has never taken me out on Valentines Day. What do you think the problem is?
-Baffled in Brevard
Dear Baffled,
I happen to have a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why your partner steers clear on Valentines Day. You are probably so annoying and ignorant that your boyfriend has been dating other women during the entire duration of your relationship, so instead of celebrating V-Day with you he is busy contracting VD from someone else. I’m betting that you cannot do any better than the man you’ve got and he can certainly do better than you (seeing as he has been), so my advice is to slip him and yourself some antibiotics for his escapades on Valentines Day and then fake a pregnancy. He’ll either cut and run or propose. Either way not a whole lot is changing for either of you, he’ll still sleep around and you will still be an idiot. Thanks for writing!
Love and Kisses,
Miss Lonelyhearts
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Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,
I put out a personal ad in the local newspapers and got an account on eHarmony, but haven't had a single successful match. What would you suggest I do to get a date?
-Dateless and in Denial
Dear Dateless,
I'm assuming that you ruled out meeting people in real life because you have some hideous physical deformity or have one of those personalities that just makes people want to vomit up all of their intelligence so that putting up with you wouldn't be so difficult. If this is true I'm going to suggest that you get plastic surgery of some kind. If you have a physical deformity then maybe that can be taken care of. If you have a personality problem then maybe a pair of large breasts will provide a distraction for the people you interact with. If you don't have the money then I advise you roam the streets of your town and pick up every stray cat that you come across (provided that your mutation doesn't scare them all away). This should provide you with more than enough companionship seeing as you will be overwhelmed with felines or, if you are lucky one will have rabies and you'll have the constant companionship of hospital staff!
Lots of Love,
Miss Lonelyhearts
My photography final!
(ignor the nasty spots my scanner put on it)
dig it?