oh hi, it's deadweight
wips. drabbles. a lot of things i've been writing but never posting. a lot of feelings. gross.
(1) vessels
jonghyun-centric
2nd pov, this is the angst of my teenage life, written vicariously through jonghyun
you say it just to say it.
"i love you." it's dry and meaningless, the only thing filling it is curiosity. sincerity, the lack thereof.
when you look back at it now you regret it. you lied, but she believed you. you regret the second part the most because she's the only one who got hurt in the end. sure, the side of your face flared a bit after her hand connected with it, but that's only collateral damage.
you're naive, not insensitive.
naive. insensitive. too sensitive.
words become words.
empty. empty. m. t. words. fragmented syllables and letters that you've learned how to comprehend without much thought.
wow, she says.
you're not much of a talker.
you share a smile and not your number. yonghwa frowns when you come home that night. alone, as per usual.
"do you even like girls?"
"what? of course. i don't like guys," you're frowning at him now. you've completely missed the point, his expression says so. yonghwa leans over, touches your shoulder. nothing. maybe you haven't missed it completely -
"i know you don't," the hand on your shoulder taps against you. the impression left is something of a sea otter, not a psychiatrist.
but do you like people? he doesn't ask.
you don't know the answer.
you wonder what it feels like to be connected.
abruptly, even. you'll settle for anything.
you settle for your guitar. you settle for isolation. you give up on curiosity.
in that moment before you die, fifty, sixty years later, you realize you've never lived.
(2) they had lights, inside their eyes
jooyeon/g.o
2nd pov, based off of like crazy
"would it be easier for you?" you start slowly. you try hard, really hard to sound self deprecating. in fact, you're sure of it.
"why would you ask me that?"
"what?" you don't understand. you expect something else from him. it wasn't happiness, surely. but it was not this either. he sits up from his previously situated position. your fingers are no longer running through his head, once rested on your lap. to reciprocate, you move back too.
you're confused.
"i know it's hard for us to see each other," you're careful, even when your voice gets caught in your throat. you feel it cracking there.
"i thought maybe you would be think it'd be easier - if we saw other people when we're not together." it's not what you want.
"is that what you want, jooyeon?" he frowns.
"i don't know," you don't know what you want.
he closes his eyes, finger tips curling, knuckles pressed against his temple. silence.
you still don't understand.
i love you. you're the only one i could ever love, no matter how many months of waiting there'd be in between.
and no one hears that.
(3) collision
sojin/jonghyun/sunny
2nd pov, we are, they are, all were
you could say it, but they won't believe you.
your heart is between your teeth, canines digging into veins. first, you're annoyed. later, you're sad. hormones, you think absentmindedly to yourself. sleep, lack thereof, jessica's pitchy singing in the corner. shut up - you say, serious, and your eyes close again.
what's your problem?
i don't have a problem.
what did he do?
breathe. you don't say it. they won't believe you.
sunny, jessica grabs your hand and squeezes. you're alive. that's the first thing you think. it's real, is the afterthought. you're real - but that notion doesn't process until a little later.
"he doesn't love me anymore," you whisper. you're right. she doesn't believe you.
"let's break up." the words leave your mouth. that's not the way it was planned.
you want him to fight for you. it's this expectation that leaves you disappointed. it's this expectation that leaves you in tears.
he nods. he leaves. goodbye jonghyun, you think. i loved you.
you see them together one day.
across the street, inside a store, sitting right by the windows. they did it on purpose. life really has it out for you.
he doesn't look sad. he doesn't look happy.
you squint. hi sojin, you think to yourself. it's not her fault, only yours.
you keep squinting. what an unhappy person you see in him. squint. blur. trepidation -
you gulp, realizing that you've only been looking at yourself.